The dance tonight had a very different vibe than normal. I only missed one or two dances that I wanted to be in, which is very cool. Many of the people I look forward to seeing weren’t there though so I felt sad. I danced with more unfamiliar people than I have in a while.

I came home in a good mood all set to write something sexy and interesting. Then I started talking to someone I am very interested in. He is debating whether it is a good idea to have sex with me or not. He has HPV as well, but a different strain, one that is not cancer producing. The strain I have is cancer producing as evidenced by my surgery last summer. He isn’t sure he wants to take the risk of sleeping with me. Which is totally valid and ok for him. But I really hate my body right now because of it. I’m doing the dance back and forth between hating my body and by extention my entire self and trying to believe that I’m not a bad person just because I have been exposed to a virus that is actually very common.

I’m pretty freakin young to have so much of my life to look forward to loathing my body. I don’t know how to deal with this situation. I want to tell him that it is entirely his decision how comfortable he is with what level of risk. I have actually told him that. Now I feel horrible because he is trying to decide what level of potential contamination he wants. I want to cry and scream and mutilate. An ok but not great evening just went straight into the crapper.