This may or may not interest anyone.

The California Mindfucker (I’ll give his lj name when I go home and use a better client type thing and don’t have to try and remember the computer trick) challenged me on many levels. We talked about how a background of abuse effects peoples actions and thought processes. Well yeah, it does, but to what degree? A large percentage of my sexual behaviors and relationships are text-book abuse victim. I know this on some level. I still try to convince myself that I am making active choices in my behaviors. I am not just acting out my programming.
But I am effected. I generally don’t get into situations where sex might be an option unless I am willing on some level to follow through. And I have technically consented to sex more than once when I didn’t really want to consent for the reason that I wasn’t 100% sure my “no” would be respected and I can psychologically handle consenting to sex I don’t really want better than I can handle getting raped again. Date rape is a reality in my head.
I have a lot of trouble saying, “no” and trusting that my “no” will be respected. I am still scared.
Why am I pushing people towards labeling our interactions as “fuck buddies?” I think maybe I feel safer being the one to say that our relationship is all about sex. That way I don’t get emotionally attached to someone only to find out they weren’t all that interested in me. I need to push people away before they can push me away. The possibility that someone will get tired of me is terrifying. It is the reason that most of my relationships have historically ended after six weeks. These days I’m watching the calendar with trepidation because I can sense the panic setting in. I start looking for reasons to criticize and feel less than happy with someone. And it is just flat awful.
Why haven’t I left Tm? This is confusing to me. How can I start to treat my additional people better? But then again, not all relationships need to last forever. How do I figure out the difference between rejecting someone because of bad programming and recognizing that a relationship just isn’t a good match? Trying to overcompensate for my natural tendency to push away by holding on to any/all relationships no matter what isn’t any better.
How do I learn how to recognize a good fit earlier so that I don’t potentially hurt someone? Ack. Once again I’m getting into the people-pleaser bit. Damnit. I think the productivity of that ramble is over. New ramble.

I have recently come to examine some of my preconceived notions about poly and relationship set-ups. Big shocker here. I have been socializing more and more with groups that are very poly in nature. Another shocker. I’m seeing people who are married with (a) kid(s) and are still very poly. Their other partners are somewhat involved with the kids. I really have to step back from my knee-jerk reaction that this is a bad situation. Why is this bad? The first thing that pops into my head is that having kids interact with the “others” means that the kids are somehow involved in the parents’ sex life, but no–that isn’t correct. My sister has a very close friend (who happens to be a lesbian)with whom she has shared a great amount of co-parenting throughout the years that they have both been single. If my sister had even a sliver of bi inclination I can see them occasionally (or frequently) including sex in their intense, close, loving relationship. There is almost no way in which sex would change their mutual interactions with one anothers’ children. It took me a while to recognize my sister’s best-friend as a co-parent in this sense because I am so hooked on the sex detail. When i started thinking of this model in my life a lot of my judgment went away. I’ve also had to examine my knee-jerk reactions given my proclivities. Glass houses…
I have spent several years watching a friend and her extended “family” of lovers/play partners/friends and I have felt a mixture of envy and repulsion based on condescension. I really am an asshole sometimes. I shut Stephen out of my life despite really loving him because he couldn’t meet 100% of my needs. I have tried like hell to force Tom into a mold that will allow me to get all of my needs met. Somehow I feel like my “liberal tolerance” and “open-mindedness” is a load of crap. I’ve been trying to make the conventional (modern American conventional) model of one man, one woman work. Why? Why? Why? Why? I want so badly to believe that I am self aware; then why in the fuck can’t I deal with my hang-ups enough to explore outside of my comfort zone in trying to get my needs met. What are my needs then? I need to have a better idea before I can ask for any outside help with them.
It was suggested to me that jealousy is about feeling insecure and if I am able to identify what I am insecure about then I can address the insecurity. hmmmm. I was also told to think about my relationships in terms of distance that I need. Hmmm. ponder ponder (Yes, I do really talk to myself like this.)
What have I been happiest with? When I stop being anxious about arranging “the rest of my life” I am really happy spending time with Tom. He is undemanding in a way that no one else is. He really accepts me in a way that I don’t think other people do. He really wants me to be happy no matter what I need to be happy. I ended up spending Sunday with him and it was very pleasant. We snuggled and were quietly affectionate. If I can manage to be convinced that he loves me and is happy then all seems to be good. I manage to psyche myself out with doubt though, and that sucks. He is great for being silly and playful with. When we both have no expectations the play is amazing. The sex can be really really good, when I manage to not get hurt. It actually can be a serious problem to be “over” endowed. For months at a time we float along happy, then I create issues in my head because I’m insecure. Stupid me. The Daddy dynamic works for us. Why do I have to freak out?!
What do I think i need that I can potentially get elsewhere? More generic attention and activity partners. The flirtation I get dancing is wonderful for my self-esteem. I need to be talked to. I have had the experience recently of being the more quiet one in a relationship. Damn. I never would have believed it was possible!! I really like it though. I like getting to listen to someone and be their sounding board. I really need more of what I got Monday morning. YAY for sex involving serious pain!! Sex becomes uninteresting rather quickly for me when there isn’t pain involved. I really need D/s energy in my life. I want to be treated like a little girl and cosseted and petted. I want to be told that my place in someone’s life is special. I have always had trouble with being called, “girl” because it is so generic. I want to be unique, Damnit! I am not just the flavor of the week! Someone recently told me that he loved me. it wasn’t in the sense that he is “in love” with me or that he wants to spend his life with me. I’m special though and he loves me for being me. I want that feeling again. Anna loves me and it feels good. Jenny loves me. I would really appreciate experiencing this sort of love from additional people. I want to feel appreciated. How can I create that feeling within myself? What kinds of behavior influence me feeling this way? Because no one can “make me” feel anything.

Concrete actions that cause me to feel special: the first and most obvious thing that the California Mindfucker suggested (that rings true to me) is to have multiple dates scheduled out in advance. That way I always have a little bit of security in believing that they do want to continue seeing me. I like this idea, although given my schedule it is difficult if not impossible. 🙁 I’m going to work on this one. When I’m feeling insecure about something I need to be honest with myself about what I am feeling insecure about and ask for reassurance. I need to be responsible for asking for exactly what I want or I can’t get upset about not getting it. I need to learn how to say “no” to things that don’t work for me. I need to stop trying to schedule dates with everyone who asks regardless of my level of interest. I need to honestly evaluate my level of interest and not feel like I am obligated to everyone who is interested in me. Cause I’m not. Trying to give attention to anyone who asks means that I don’t have the time or energy to really devote to the people I want to give attention to. That doesn’t make me happy. I need to be better about this for myself. I need to be more clear in negotiating that I don’t actually want “more sex” I want very specific sex and if I am not going to get that type of sex that I am better off not having sex at all. I don’t like feeling like I am complaining about someone because they aren’t wired the same way that I am. I need to appreciate people for who/what they are and not feel bitter that they aren’t something else. Thus I need to avoid situations that cause me to feel bitter. This is my problem, not anyone else’s.