Cons are so odd. There is always drama. Someone inevitably gets upset. By the end of the weekend many people are cranky and everyone is tired. There are new connections, hot scenes, and usually interesting conversations. I sometimes wonder if the hassle is worth it, but I still want to go.

I was told repeatedly how much I’ve grown up in the last few yers. I have such mixed feelings about being told that. In some way it tells me that I am growing as a person–which is good. On the other hand, I’m still not that great, so that means I used to suck. I am so good at negative spins. I have noticed that I don’t make good first impressions. I strike people as obnoxious and flighty and I wish I didn’t do that. I think that I get overwhelmed in group situations and I don’t feel settled or safe and I react by being an airhead. This is something I want to work on but I’m not sure how. I have so much trouble in groups where I don’t know everyone. There is so much about me that I want to “fix.” It is sometimes overwhelming.

My plans for Thursday didn’t work out quite how I had hoped, but I had a rather good day anyway. The lovely Pandora took me out to lunch and I got to meet her daughter. Miss is truly delightful. She is going to be a really fascinating adult. Talking to Pandora was great as well. I don’t know her very well yet, but everything I learn makes me smile. Thursday night I suffered through Tom’s parents for two hours. It took two drinks to manage this feat. I really don’t like them. When we went back to the hotel we sat in the bar for a while and watched a bunch of people on the far side of 50 do a bunch of modern ballroom dance stuff to disco. It was very odd to me. I didn’t recognize most of the dances and that bugged me. I didn’t particularly want to ask any of the gentlemen to dance because I didn’t want them to touch me. Rather late a young threesome (one guy, two girls) showed up and started dancing a little. One of the girls was very cute and I led her through a cross-step for one song. It was kind of scary a) asking a total stranger to dance b) leading a dance I am still new to c) leading period. But I did it! It was even pretty smooth; I was so proud of me. We crashed semi-early in preperation for the upcoming fun stuff.

Friday we went downtown early in the day and wandered around the mall. Nothing terribly exciting. We came back in time to see the pervs start streaming in! Yay! We registered for the con and started greeting friends. Getting to see people is by far the best portion of conferences. The meet and greet was particularly lame. Most of the presenters hadn’t arrived yet and almost no attendees showed up. Oh well. The party went very well. Dad single tailed me for 45 minutes. My ass is rather spectacular. Later Tom suspended me and it went really well. It was one of the best scenes we have had in a long time. I received numerous compliments on my outfit and I felt all spiffy. The attention was more than I really expected, and rather lovely. I flirted with various people and that was tasty and fun. Tom and I only made it to midnight and then I crashed really hard.

Saturday morning unfortunately started off rather poorly. I woke up from a really gruesome nightmare. Tom wasn’t there. I freaked out really bad. I wandered around the room for a few minutes looking for a note and finally found one. He went to breakfast. I pulled on socks intending to go up to the Kidz room for cereal so that I wasn’t just sitting there by myself and he walked in. He tried to talk to me and I started yelling at him. He knows that I don’t like sleeping in a strange place by myself–it is really unsettling to me. It isn’t his problem and I totally overreacted. It isn’t his problem that I was upset, but I took it out on him anyway. I stomped off and watched cartoons for a little while. I came back and he was waiting for me. He tried to talk to me and I just ended up crying. I got dressed and headed out to the classes. I started off with “Enhansing Masochism” by Patrick Califia. It was a really interesting class. I enjoyed it and I think I learned some new things. I really started thinking about what it is that I bring to a scene and what I am giving to the person I’m playing with. Am I just a selfish do-me queen? Of course a new paranoia has to begin. Lolita was kind enough to share some of her chocolate cake with me during lunch. It was funny because, I actually don’t like chocolate–but I really liked that she wanted to share with me. 🙂 So I ate it and smiled and enjoyed it. Then I went to Boymeat’s watersports class. It was very hot. I did have to look away when a lovely girl was peeing directly into the mouth of a lovely boy. I totally gagged and had to choke back an unpleasant vomit reflex. It was a wee bit more intense than I could handle. All of the external stuff was fun. 🙂 Last but certainly not least was MistressMatisse with “Female Genitorture.” Owie. Throughout the day I flirted with people and kind of hinted around the possibility of scenes, but I didn’t feel secure that anything was going to happen. I hate that feeling. Bridgett’s extended leather family dinner was cool. I sat next to Lolita and talked to other people. Tom and I had more drama. He and I finally talked about how I wanted to play with other people, but I didn’t have anything lined up. He seemed to be upset by this but of course wouldn’t talk to me. I got up the nerve to ask Boymeat to play. He told me he would beat the shit out of me if he had time, but he needed to check scheduling. Heh. It was really nerve wracking pondering playing with him. I do think of him as a heavy player and I feel like I’m such a wuss. Gary (Tom’s best friend) had asked me earlier if I wanted to suspend Tom in the leather bodybag as part of the opening “Bondage Carnival” thing. I surprised Tom with this and the scene went well. He wanted me to try a few things and I did, despite feeling less than eager after a while. I have a lot of trouble doing the kinds of scenes that Tom wants to bottom to. I find them really boring and I feel like there isn’t much for me to do once I get him up. La di da… Twiddle my thumbs…. Erf. But I did it and stayed cheerful and he had a great time. I wandered around feeling dejected for a while after that scene. I didn’t know if the scene with Boymeat would happen. I didn’t have any other options lined up. I was feeling all sad and rejected. Then Boymeat decided that yes, we would play. Now. Yay!!! (Scene report is coming….) Short story: hot stuff. I was a happy girl. I didn’t want it to end. It had trouble getting going cause my head wasn’t in the greatest of places, but he managed to get me into the moment and keep me there. He is an even better top than I was anticipating. Yay. Lots of snuggling with various people afterwards and I wandered around by myself for a while. Tom played with a gorgeous woman and I liked seeing that. We crashed early and I asked Tom to please stay with me and not leave me in the morning. I took responsibility for my wussiness at least on some level. He stayed, I cried. He snuggled me. Yay.

Sunday morning started with sex. Yay Tom! Breakfast with a bay area person that I am only just getting to know. She told me her perspective on some stuff that happened a few years ago and why she hadn’t liked me and how much she is enjoying getting to know me now. That was really interesting. Fifth Angel’s class on “The Gentle Art of Punching, Kicking, and Takedowns” was fucking hot. That guy is incredible. I almost volunteered as a demo but I wussed out and it was ok. The class was funny, informative, and fun. I’m glad I went to it. After this class Tom and I had lunch and spent some one-on-one time snuggling. Eventually we wandered to the lobby of the convention center and socialized for a while. It was cool. I got to meet a few more people that Dad is friends with. The panel on non-monogamy was uninspiring. Oh well. We had dinner with Gary and Amy and then went to their room to continue talking. We stayed with them till almost midnight being social and catching up. That was really really cool! I think it was the best conversation I have ever had with Amy. I finally got up the nerve to tell her about a few times that I have felt hurt by her comments and she told me that she hasn’t ever meant to be mean to me, and that made me feel a lot better. It is good to get over cowardice and straight out ask what someone thinks of you. It isn’t easy though. I was much happier at the end of this con than I was at the end of Thunder last year. I left that interaction with Amy crying. Hrm. So this was masses better!

Monday morning we packed up and headed home. We happened to see Boymeat and his girl in the elevator on the way out. He gave my thigh a last nudge to make sure I remember him. Yes Boymeat, I remember you. I’m still not going to tell you if you turned me on with your crack. Forget it. 😛

My arm is a wee bit sore and I’m debating working on the scene report right now. Maybe.