Allergies are kicking my ass right now. My head is very fuzzy. I’m really tired. I haven’t been sleeping well because I’m coughing all night long. My face feels swollen and miserable.
Gross TMI

“If he fucks you up the ass, it’s a date.”

I’m sitting here typing an email. A cute boy is sitting next to me. I continue typing. He looks at me. I look back. I keep typing. He kisses me. After the kissing he laughs because I never stopped typing. He says, “That’s kind of hot.” “What? That I kept typing?” “That you kept typing something coherent.”

I was just reading a livejournal. Ok, if a daddy can have multiple little girls, why can’t a little girl have multiple daddy’s? Hmmmm. Interesting ponderance.

Invent a memory of me and post it in the comments. It can be anything you want, so long as it’s something that’s never happened. Tell me what you would like to remember of me, only the universe failed to cooperate in making it happen so you have to make it up instead.

boymeat is inspirational…

This is fairly long, so I cut it. 🙂 Or I put it behind a cut, something like that.

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I need to not date Ricky. I have come to this conclusion. It isn’t good for me. I really feel like I am pouring my emotional energy into a black hole when I am with him. He isn’t terribly interested in me and that means I should stop trying. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him–he doesn’t feel much for me. I leave his presense feeling totally rejected. I don’t need that in my life.

Noah rocks. I am so glad I have him in my life. He is sweet and supportive and dominant and sadistic. What a combination! Dude. I’m excited.

Paul: oh wait… uhm, another boy? What the hell am I doing?! Good lord. But he is very cool and we have been decently close friends for years. Now he gets around to telling me he would like to make me cry. Hm. Ok! 🙂

Yeah. stuff. dude.

College Board’s 101 Greatest Works of Literature – italicize/bold those you have read, underline those you want to read.

* – Own, but haven’t had a chance to read yet.

Keep in mind that I am working on a Masters in English, so most of these I will need to read within the next year and half.
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Post a memory of me in the comments. It can be anything you want.

Then, of course, post this to your journal and see what people remember of you.

Was not much different than I expected it to be, except for one crucial thing: mindset. I decided that I was going to not be upset about being alone. I still didn’t manage to sleep very well, but I somehow managed to not be anxious about not sleeping well. I stayed up far too late drinking copious quantities of yummy wine and wrote pages and pages of stuff. I’m well into a story and I am almost 5 pages into something that I am pondering about boundaries. I’m happy with this. It should be ready to post sometime this week. I have no idea how long it will be by then… I have actually kind of enjoyed my morning on my own. I have been extremely productive! Go me! The guest room is significantly closer to being neat and tidy. It isn’t there yet, but I’m really happy with the amount of progress. I have watched a good movie “Enough” with Jennifer Lopez, very much like “Sleeping with the Enemy.” I think Lopez did a good job. It was sad and engrossing. She murdered her husband in most devious fashion and boy did he deserve it by the end. I have listened to music and scanned lj. I haven’t been able to do as much writing as I would kind of like to (I slept a bit late and I have been working! Really! I have!) The kitchen is still a mess and my bedroom is messy and laundry needs to be put away. I have someone arriving any minute. Oy.

Tonight is Gaskell’s. I’m looking forward to it in a passive sort of way. I’m feeling stupid about some lame ass clothing issues. I feel more confident in big swishy skirts and corsets. It is a look that really works for me and I feel less secure in my appearance when I deviate from that sort of look. It is really really stupid and I know it. That doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I have loads of confidence in my looks. Ack. Oh well. I will go and I will dance and I will have fun anyway! I just am less likely to preen. heh. Probably a good thing anyway. 🙂

I didn’t realize until about an hour ago that I am not going to sleep with my love for 4 consecutive nights this week. 🙁 That is a really long time. The first two nights were entirely my fault (I chose to sleep elsewhere) and now he is going out of town. This means that I am sleeping by myself tonight and tomorrow and he won’t be home until very late on Sunday.

I’m not happy about this. It is one of my very lame, yet almost inescapable quirks that I have a fairly serious objection to sleeping alone. I basically don’t sleep. I don’t feel safe when I am alone. I have the most horrible nightmares when I am alone. I have nightmares when there is someone there, but they are really really bad when I am alone. I’m somewhat worried about this. And now I am managing to talk myself into somewhat major anxiety when the possibility of sleep is at least 12 hours away.

I think tonight is a night that I will crack open one of my bottles of wine. Maybe two or three glasses will help me sleep.

Why can’t I handle alone time at night? What part of my psyche am I hiding from? What is going on in the shadows of my brain that scares me so much?

I’ve had a somewhat emotional past 48 hours anyway. I came home this morning feeling all wacky and tense. Now I am about to cry. How can I hide from my feelings today? Must find destraction…

I’m not sure I will survive. I am terrified of the Alaska trip for the sole reason of being off-line for more than 10 days. I think my brain will explode.

Anyway, that isn’t my point right now. I have a point. Really I do. I’m probably not going to be able to check email/lj until Friday. So don’t expect my usual lightning fast (aka: obsessive compulsive freakish) responses. 🙂 Feel free to call me and tell me you love me though. It always makes me smile.

*bounce*

*dance*

The benefits of friendship outweighed the option of doing the polka tonight. I must really like my friend. So now of course I’m all buggy to polka. I will sleep instead… and smile!

You’re never fully dressed without a smile! 🙂

This has come up a few times recently.

If I have a collar on, please don’t touch it unless you put it there. Ok, you can ask to touch it, see the hinging mechanism, the fastner, etc… But don’t just reach out and touch my collar. It really really bugs me.

I’m not accusing anyone, just being preemptive. Thank you.

And this ends our public service announcement. *beep*

So: does anybody out there know anybody who can help me locate a
lender who will finance a co-op in California? More specifically, who
will finance a co-op in California for someone whose credit is, shall
we say, imperfect? (Small business ownership tends to be tough on the
credit score.)

I would love to pass along help to this person if possible. 🙂 Any ideas?

Is anyone interested in Death Guild tonight? I think I would enjoy the energy but I am unlikely to go on my own. I will be online until 2:30ish, so ping me if you want to.

Edit at 2:00: If anyone sees this by 9, call my cell and leave a message. I will check it during the evening. I can’t answer because I will be in class. If you don’t have the number I’m sure you know someone who does. I do hand the number out pretty freely.

Is there any major obvious stuff I should fix? Are there parts of it that don’t flow? Are there concepts that aren’t clear? Is there anything I should explain better? Anything? Anything? 🙂

The most recent paper finished.

“They can always get a translator for your ass.”

Thank you so much.

I had a very interesting conversation with a couple of friends yesterday about the concept of manipulating people and friendships and associations based on social perks. It was very odd. The book Les Liaisons Dangereuses came up more than once. It was very interesting to me to think about people consciously trying to manipulate their friendships. I started to wonder if I do it without noticing. I’m not sure I liked what I figured out. I’m not sure I choose my friendships based on what I can get from them. I do seem to gravitate towards people who know a lot of people though. I think I really like being someone who knows a lot of people and can arrange to get things done when I want them done. I’m not yet very good at implementing this, but it is something I have somewhat consciously worked towards. I do give myself a little bit of slack because I have years left to perfect this skill.

I don’t need to be the most popular person, goodness knows that with my mouth and lack of tact I never will be, but I sure like knowing the most popular people. Probably because the most popular people are popular because they are fun. A friend has told me recently that he thinks I know everyone, I don’t think it is true… yet. I’m working on it though. I know that within the little worlds I move in there is almost no one I can’t get an introduction to within 2 degrees. I like talking to people and I seem to do a better than average job of remembering people and details about them. I wish there was some way to turn “knowing people” into a career. I could do well.

I was noticing yesterday that even when I am very happy with one person and enjoying their company and it is really great, I am still capable of missing someone else. This seriously blows my mind.

Noah told me that he has missed me. We haven’t spent one-on-one time in more than a week. I noticed upon seeing him that I have been seriously missing his energy as well. I felt overwhelming happiness that I got to experience his presense.

When he runs through my mind (which is somewhat frequently) I feel like a hole has been cut out of me where only Ricky fits. I miss him so much! I haven’t spent time with him individually in over a month. I feel like there is a huge void in me.

Even when I am with Tom sometimes I feel like I miss him. I miss the energy of what we used to share. I miss his attention. I don’t know how to fix the situation anymore.

I feel like I miss a lot about of people right now and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I sent Julia a card. I miss having her as a friend. I miss Anna. I feel like I miss my mother as well. 🙁

Waaaaaaaa!!!!!! Damnit I want to feel better already. What the fuck is up with my brain chemicals?!

Tom wants me to give additional information that is part of the real invitation as oppossed to the pre-preplanning stuff.