I came home early from class because I have a nasty headache. I feel somewhat groggy and disconnected. I have had a few things running around in my head today though that I want to try and express. Maybe I will do a good job, maybe I won’t.
I don’t know how to flirt. NO SNICKERING!! I say this because I think of flirting as people behaving towards one another in a pseudo-sexual way that doesn’t have to lead anywhere. I don’t let myself behave in a sexual way unless I am willing to follow through with it. Or, what is more problematic, if I start to be flirtatious with someone I decide really quickly that if they push that I will let them do whatever they want. This is part of my “problem with saying no.” I had several situations come up at the party this weekend that were really odd for me. I find myself wanting to play with sexual energy more often lately, but if I permit myself to follow up on that interest then I feel like I am required to completely follow through. I don’t like feeling compelled this way. I want to be able to enjoy the energy of flirting without having to fuck anyone who wants to flirt with me. I hate feeling this way! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
This is crappy in my head. I know a lot of it comes back to being assaulted. Even though I would never tell another woman that it is her fault that she was assaulted, even though I don’t ever believe that it is another woman’s fault that she is assaulted–I feel like I was culpable. I feel like I somehow caused it by being suggestive or by acknowledging that I am sexual in general. I still feel like I am to blame. I still feel like if I flirt without intending to follow through that I am inviting being hurt. I am inviting having someone violate my boundaries. So I say “yes” because my “no” won’t be respected. I think talking about this is becoming a theme for me. I’m trying to work on this issue though, I’m sorry if I’m being repetitive.
I’m trying to learn to say no. I’m also trying to learn that it is ok to enjoy the energy of flirting. This means that I am trying consciously to flirt when I feel like I want to. Now I’m starting to feel guilty because it has come up that people feel sad when I don’t follow through. Fucking A!!! I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m really not. I’m trying to figure out where the boundaries are for what is good to do in flirting and what is bad to do in flirting. If you are reading this, and I have been flirting with you lately or if I start fliritng with you… I am not trying to hurt you. I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m not trying to lead anyone on. I’m not trying to just gratify my own ego. I think flirting feels good. I hope it feels good to the people I am flirting with as well. If it doesn’t feel good, let me know and I will back off. I don’t know how to deal with deciding who to go further with though. I’m probably going to be backing off of going further with anyone for a while and just trying this flirting business. I really want to believe that it is ok and safe for me to flirt. Ok, let the experiment begin…
So, in my “What is flirting anyway” post to both of my LJs, I still think I’ve seen only one or two people who have anything like a coherent answer.
So don’t feel bad that you’re having trouble getting your head around all this; I don’t think anyone manages it very well.
Yeah, that would be why I didn’t comment in your post. I don’t know!!! Ack!
I used to feel a lot like that… like if I expressed interest in someone I was required to follow through. Because I never wanted to be one of those girls who was a “cock tease” because that was bad, right? I ended up having sex with a few people I didn’t really want to because of this attitude and I realized I had to fix it. And, no, none of it was date rape because I’m good at maintaining my illusions and they never had a clue that I had lost interest and was just doing it out of obligation. I really WAS allowed to change my mind after I started flirting with someone and it didn’t make me evil. There’s still a level of flirting I won’t go past if I’m not actually interested in someone, and it’s hard to define because it changes situationally, but it’s there and I try to keep it in mind, and it has been a good 2-3 years now since I’ve had sex with someone out of obligation. Then again, I’ve had sex with a lot fewer people in the last couple of years anyway, as backlash from my slut phase. And now I’m not having sex with anyone, for an indeterminate length of time.
I guess my one piece of advice is – practice on gay boys. I have at least one gay friend who would flirt with me and it was silly and fun and I don’t find him attractive at all and I’m in the wrong body for him to be interested in so there was NO possibility of it ever going anywhere. (I use past tense only because we no longer live in geographical proximity so this doesn’t really happen anymore). After that you can move up to practicing on monogamously committed people.
A friend of mine used to bemoan the fact that I was incapable of being subtle. I didn’t understand the point, if I was interested in someone, I told them. If they were interested in me, they had to tell me or I wouldn’t notice.
Even in my flirting, I am pretty straightforward. I just draw the line and tell the person, “I like you, I would like to get to know you better, we can negotiate from there.” Sometimes we become friends, sometimes we become more.
I am not sure if it will work for you, but it serves me pretty well.
I don’t think‘s problem is with being obvious enough – after all, she can be less subtle than you – it’s with being able to flirt without meaning “I want to have sex with you” by it. It’s a hard one – I have a hard time flirting with anyone I’m uninterested in sexually, so I can’t offer terribly useful advice.
I’m also trying to learn that it is ok to enjoy the energy of flirting…..I really want to believe that it is ok and safe for me to flirt.
If I can be of any assistance on that front, please, feel free…. 🙂
Seriously.
I feel a little weird going, “come on, please, flirt with me,” but really, I love flirting, and I think I love it even more KNOWING that it’s safe……it’s a nice feeling to feed off of energy and compliment people, and receive compliments in return, and know that you aren’t “leading someone on.” And I think you’re cool. And hot. (oh dear, did I just say that out loud? no, I typed it, but same difference……) And my little lezzy tendencies are getting aired out……..
I never had anything as extreme as you in terms of the feeling compelled to follow through completely, but I definitely had an incident when I was younger, at an SCA war (God help me, that’s SOOOOOOO geeky, I know) where I flirted mercilessly with a guy that I had just met, and kissed and got a little drunk, and wound up ‘taking him back to my tent’ as it were, and couldn’t get the nerve up to make him leave, even though I really didn’t want to do much else with him. I just felt really rude somehow. Even though he really WANTED to do more, and was very, ummm, generous in his offers, I was able to keep most of my boundaries intact. Anyway, point is, I can totally empathize with the obligatory pity-fuck, and if I hadn’t been a virgin, I might have felt more obligated to perform than I already did.
So yeah. Flirting is good, and I love that you’re exploring your boundaries around it. You go girl.
Oh and, After that you can move up to practicing on monogamously committed people.. Heheheh.
“Little lezzy tendencies” I so don’t think it would be a good idea to respond to that part. I’ll smile and nod.
You are a strange thing to me though girly. Cause flirting with you feels like “faking it.” You aren’t interested in me and I am highly aware of it as we mess around. There is always a little voice in the back of my head reminding me that you don’t want me. I feel that way with some people and I tend to not flirt as heavily with them. If I believe I am setting myself up for rejection from the get-go, what is the point?
Cause flirting with you feels like “faking it.” You aren’t interested in me and I am highly aware of it as we mess around.
It sounds like I’m the perfect object of your practice flirting……you seem to have confused “rejection” and “lack of interest” with lack of success……just because I (in all likelihood) wouldn’t follow through doesn’t make my flirting false!
I wasn’t trying to “ignore” this. I just feel like I’m not sure what to say. I’m confused in my head. I’m trying to mull this concept through and stuff. I have mixed feelings about flirting with girls as opposed to boys. I think part of my confusion stems from feeling much more confident with boys than with girls. I know I can attract plenty of male attention. I can’t usually get the attention from girls that I want and I get frustrated by the het girls leading me on. It isn’t the intent, but it is how I feel about it sometimes.
Restated: flirting with boys when it won’t go anywhere is no big deal because I get enough of “going somewhere.” Flirting with girls when it won’t go anywhere is frustrating because it rarely goes anywhere.
Does that make sense?
Maybe I am just stating that I know how I make boys feel sometimes and I am a horrible bitch who doesn’t want to take what she dishes out. 🙁 I don’t want to think that though.
This conversation has gotten really….odd. I think it comes down to this – I think you’re neat. I would like to be your friend. I think you would like to be my friend, too? I like flirting, but I’m married and monogamous, so I have to make it clear that I can’t follow through on things, but I like to fool around. I don’t want to make this all about some weird sexual tension that f***s with everybody’s mind.
I no longer remember the frame of mind with which I wrote the previous comments. (It happens) I can handle “lets be friends who occasionally dance suggestively.” Work for you?