and boy did that boy prove me right. Or something like that. It hurt! It really did! I freaked!

I had the most brutal sex that I have had in years this weekend. As in, felt like a rape scene, ow my insides hurt, my mind started checking out brutal. It was incredibly intense. I started shutting down during the event, despite the fact that I knew in some corner of my brain that I should call the scene. After scene processing involved him telling me that he thought I would be able to handle a lot more than that based on how I talk. Doh! I guess I should keep my mouth shut more? Or maybe it was just the way he interpreted or something… I don’t know. There was some sort of interesting disconnect there.
*In the interests of fair representation, the boy was very worried about things having gone too far. He was very concerned about me. This was more extreme than he usually plays and he wasn’t running roughshod over me. 🙂 He is a very nice boy. He isn’t just a sick, twisted, evil, sadistic bastard. *giggle*

Anyway. The strange thing was, as soon as I really came back into my head and started feeling ok again I wasn’t fine, I was elated. I wanted to go back into that deep dark scary place something fierce. As soon as the hurting was over I wanted it to hurt again. But I was so scared in the moment… I’m not sure I get it.

Then we had an amazing conversation about God. I cried. Just a little bit, but it was a huge thing to me.

Then he fucked me again. Oh my god. AGAIN?!
Then again.

I guess younger guys have some pretty serious advantages. wowsa.

And the conversation inbetween all this fucking was seriously amazing.

Bloody GU boys. *sigh* Fine…. I’ll drive… Sheesh.

I am in a much better mood. Noah came over and snuggled me and talked to me. He gave me a massage and we did other really nifty bonding stuff. He spent the night as well. I slept between the two boys who love me. I couldn’t remain upset in that situation. It just isn’t possible.

I woke up this morning thinking, “God doesn’t hate me right now.” I am so incredibly lucky. When I’m having a shitty day, I can ask for help/attention. Thank you all so much for your words of support. I’m dealing with the situation in a proper fashion. I talked to the Principal and she is going to talk to HR for me and see what is going on. She had no idea why I would be black listed. That is odd, yet comforting. She told me it is never too late to make amends. The situation will be dealt with.

I’m really grateful for me friends. Thank you.

I was just told that I am black listed from one of the schools in my district. All of a sudden I totally question the wisdom of me going into teaching at all. I question the wisdom of me ever leaving my house again. I feel like shit. I want to cut. I feel so completely worthless.

Fuck. I’m talking to a boy on IM. He is keeping me from focusing on my paper. I really want to fuck him.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I wish I could stop thinking with my cunt today.

My mother told me: “In every relationship where people love one another, there is always one person who is more in love than the other. You never want to be more in love because you surrender your power.”

This is seriously weighing on my mind as I think about the people in my life. I was told that I have stopped talking about the boys in my life, but people (who are local) know I am dating Noah and so there is a lot of speculation about where my relationship with him is going. I don’t know. It is getting more serious. With every date, every week that goes by, I like him more and more. He makes me happy and is rather singularly devoted to making me happy. Go figure. I think more and more that he is a keeper. This has meant sacrificing a bit of more casual attention in order to give him time. He has actually asked me to give him time over other people. I thought that was significant. I have done so happily. Things are going very well. Although I worry a bit about my general tendency to settle into serial monogamy. I only slept with Tom for a long time. When I started doing poly stuff, I pretty much only slept with Anthony for a few months. When I stopped sleeping with Anthony there was down time before I started sleeping with Noah. I haven’t slept with anyone new since I have been sleeping with Noah. Tom is my once a month hook-up. oy. (He has managed twice this month! Yay!)

I told Ricky that I will not be pursuing him as any sort of a partner because he is terrible for my self-esteem. Now if he wasn’t such an absolutely amazing kisser I could avoid him at parties as well. *sigh* I don’t think I am going to get over this boy terribly easily or quickly. Damnit.

This weekend has resulted in my being asked out by three new people. Oy. Uhm… June… talk to me in June… I leave in 10 days. I am spending 5 of those days with Tom. I think that is the most optimal way for me to spend my time. 🙂

Several people who are supposed to see this didn’t see it the first time through. Something about me being not safe for at work viewing or something. 😉 I said I would post it again. Hopefully some of you fabulous people who are invited notice and get to come. I did add some people after the most recent DHP. heh. I had to.

Party info

I have been told somewhat frequently lately that I am a super heavy duty masochist. This is something I have trouble wrapping my mind around. So, I want some input from ya’ll out there? Are masochists actually that rare? I don’t think I’m a terribly heavy masochist. Aren’t there lots who are more into it than I am?

I was the pass around party toy. I feel like it was a new experience for me. Stuff progressed to a level of intensity that I have never before allowed with a group of people I don’t know very well. I mean, I allowed some pretty serious sexual contact with people I barely know and not only was I ok with it, but I was clear and direct about what I was ok with, how I was ok with it, and what I didn’t want to have happen. I was able to say when something happened that wasn’t good for me. I was able to say, “hell yeah! Do that again!!” I have never been comfortable being at the center of attention like that. I have always doubted that people are actually interested in me. It was really hard for me to let go and believe that everyone who was participating really wanted to be there. I got all sorts of attention though. I spent a while in the hot tub with different people massaging my feet, hands, shoulders, back, neck…. it was incredible. Then the touching got very sexual. I was fingered. It was really intense. I let myself get very into all of the touching that was going on and not feel any negativity towards/from any of the people or myself. I can’t imagine a more positive experience. It was very affirming. I allowed them to make me feel good without feeling bad that I wasn’t doing more ‘work’. Trippy. I think this feeling of not being able to let people give me pleasure without reciprocating is part of the reason I don’t enjoy receiving oral sex.

Later in the evening I got a really good massage. Oh man do I owe that guy some huge favors. Whew. My neck is not back to normal yet, but it is worlds better. Yay!

Still later, I ended up on the floor in the living room being hurt by several people. It was really weird for me. I liked it and I hated it. I hated that Tom was the one pushing most of the serious pain. I felt like he was pushing just to get a rise out of the audience. Like he was marking his territory and I was just there for him to show off with. I hated that so much. It made processing the pain more competitive. I was not pleased with him fucking up the nice sweet gentle energy that had been going on all night. All of a sudden things became so much more seriously sadistic and it just wasn’t where things had been all night. I hate that I loved it. I loved being hurt like that. I love experiencing that much pain. Tom almost never hurts me and it was really weird. I liked getting hurt even though I was conflicted about the circumstances. *sigh* I hate being divided about it though. I want to just feel what I feel, but it isn’t that simple. *sigh* Oh well.

On the way home I was counting on my fingers the boys I had kissed. How many boys does a girl have to kiss in one day in order for the day to qualify as super fantastic?

I’ve wanted to write about this stuff, so here I go. This is the shortened version because I have to go to class, and I’m really tired and therefore spacey.
Seattle is good stuff.