I was the pass around party toy. I feel like it was a new experience for me. Stuff progressed to a level of intensity that I have never before allowed with a group of people I don’t know very well. I mean, I allowed some pretty serious sexual contact with people I barely know and not only was I ok with it, but I was clear and direct about what I was ok with, how I was ok with it, and what I didn’t want to have happen. I was able to say when something happened that wasn’t good for me. I was able to say, “hell yeah! Do that again!!” I have never been comfortable being at the center of attention like that. I have always doubted that people are actually interested in me. It was really hard for me to let go and believe that everyone who was participating really wanted to be there. I got all sorts of attention though. I spent a while in the hot tub with different people massaging my feet, hands, shoulders, back, neck…. it was incredible. Then the touching got very sexual. I was fingered. It was really intense. I let myself get very into all of the touching that was going on and not feel any negativity towards/from any of the people or myself. I can’t imagine a more positive experience. It was very affirming. I allowed them to make me feel good without feeling bad that I wasn’t doing more ‘work’. Trippy. I think this feeling of not being able to let people give me pleasure without reciprocating is part of the reason I don’t enjoy receiving oral sex.

Later in the evening I got a really good massage. Oh man do I owe that guy some huge favors. Whew. My neck is not back to normal yet, but it is worlds better. Yay!

Still later, I ended up on the floor in the living room being hurt by several people. It was really weird for me. I liked it and I hated it. I hated that Tom was the one pushing most of the serious pain. I felt like he was pushing just to get a rise out of the audience. Like he was marking his territory and I was just there for him to show off with. I hated that so much. It made processing the pain more competitive. I was not pleased with him fucking up the nice sweet gentle energy that had been going on all night. All of a sudden things became so much more seriously sadistic and it just wasn’t where things had been all night. I hate that I loved it. I loved being hurt like that. I love experiencing that much pain. Tom almost never hurts me and it was really weird. I liked getting hurt even though I was conflicted about the circumstances. *sigh* I hate being divided about it though. I want to just feel what I feel, but it isn’t that simple. *sigh* Oh well.

On the way home I was counting on my fingers the boys I had kissed. How many boys does a girl have to kiss in one day in order for the day to qualify as super fantastic?