and boy did that boy prove me right. Or something like that. It hurt! It really did! I freaked!
I had the most brutal sex that I have had in years this weekend. As in, felt like a rape scene, ow my insides hurt, my mind started checking out brutal. It was incredibly intense. I started shutting down during the event, despite the fact that I knew in some corner of my brain that I should call the scene. After scene processing involved him telling me that he thought I would be able to handle a lot more than that based on how I talk. Doh! I guess I should keep my mouth shut more? Or maybe it was just the way he interpreted or something… I don’t know. There was some sort of interesting disconnect there.
*In the interests of fair representation, the boy was very worried about things having gone too far. He was very concerned about me. This was more extreme than he usually plays and he wasn’t running roughshod over me. 🙂 He is a very nice boy. He isn’t just a sick, twisted, evil, sadistic bastard. *giggle*
Anyway. The strange thing was, as soon as I really came back into my head and started feeling ok again I wasn’t fine, I was elated. I wanted to go back into that deep dark scary place something fierce. As soon as the hurting was over I wanted it to hurt again. But I was so scared in the moment… I’m not sure I get it.
Then we had an amazing conversation about God. I cried. Just a little bit, but it was a huge thing to me.
Then he fucked me again. Oh my god. AGAIN?!
Then again.
I guess younger guys have some pretty serious advantages. wowsa.
And the conversation inbetween all this fucking was seriously amazing.
Bloody GU boys. *sigh* Fine…. I’ll drive… Sheesh.
Speak about sadistic, post a very intriguing post, rife with possibilities for discussion, then leave for two weeks.
The whole concept is fairly scary and foreign to me.
I am intrigued by the way that BDSM stuff delivers so much “negative”* input, but is so careful to provide gentle care and support to make sure it is what is wanted and that things don’t go too far. I find that part to be reassuring, and to alleviate some of my fears.
I’m sure we’ll talk more……
oh hey – weird random thought – have you considered going to Burning Man?…….
*negative is of course subjective, as obviously one who enjoys a good beating doesn’t consider it negative.
My introduction to this was back in college. I had a girlfriend who had a lot of issues, and didn’t really know anything about them. Iikewise I was young and naive (I was 21 she was 18). We did everything but have sex, primarily because any stimulation down there caused her unpleasant pain. One night we were mucking about doing our regular seeing what we could do, which often involved her getting me so aroused it was painful and then stoppiing things right there and it became obvious that what she wanted, and even enjoyed, was the pain. Here I was, completely addled on hormones, angry as all getout at having to stop, and I realized that what she wanted was for me to hurt her. Not only that, but by hurting her, I could then get the release I wanted.
The intense desire I had to hurt her, at that moment was frightening, not only because I had never really wanted to hurt someone like that before, but also because she was telling me she wanted it, so if she wanted to be hurt, it isn’t bad to hurt her is it? On top of all that, it also opened a very scary door into some terrifyingly powerful emotions.