I’m looking at Tom. I’ve been looking at Tom for a few hours now. We had a date night. We have even had two date nights in a row! Fabulous. Well, sort of fabulous. Our date nights are beginning to resemble the time I spend with my very vanilla heterosexual female best friend. Fun, bonding, enjoyable… completely not sexual. This is a hard thing for me to wrap my brain around. It has taken years for us to realize that basically our kinks are not compatible. They just aren’t. We have tried and tried. Sometimes I still try to conform to what he wants; sometimes he still tries to conform to what I want. We both end up feeling like we are play-acting and it just sort of fades. It is a hard thing. I’m not sure anymore that I know what he wants. Although I feel like I would know it if I saw it in someone else. He really wants a monogamous, gentle girl who is into bondage for bondage sake and helping him masturbate. Well, that just isn’t me. I don’t think any of the wishes are bad things… but they aren’t me. I’m at a place where I’m not sure what I want.
I felt very fulfilled by being a slave. It was the most fitting label I have ever chosen to give myself. I never doubted for one second that it was right for me. I don’t know if I will ever trust anyone enough to go there again. I’m not sure I will ever be able to allow someone to own me again. Yet I miss it. I miss it like crazy. I miss it to overwhelming degrees. Will I ever find it again? Yeah, yeah, I’m still young and there is lots of time. Patience has never been one of my virtues. So I’m waiting for that part of me. None of the people I have become involved with even approach meeting this need. They are all wonderful people and I am not denigrating them in any way, but none of them are particularly dominant—let alone a master. Hell, I’m not even managing to hook up with any sadists. I’m probably hunting in the wrong crowd though. I’m just not that interested in most of the people I know locally and searching for that new face is frustrating. I seem to wait for conferences for beatings. (Thank you Boymeat, Malixe, and Dad. I appreciate the efforts!!!) Ok, so once in a while I get a few swats here and there from nice swoony people, but nothing resembling anything that I would call serious. I guess I’m spoiled. I’m finding people who want to experiment a little with kink for spice, but as Anthony so succinctly put it: “Learning to be sexually aggressive with you isn’t like having training wheels, it is like being tossed on a Harley.” I’m not the greatest person to just experiment with a little. My interests are too intense. Oy. I don’t want just a little spanking. I want to be caned till I scream. I don’t want to be lightly bound in a decorative fashion; I want full encasement with little ability to breath or adjust. Erf.
I feel like I’m trying to just “get over” my sm interests. I jumped into the deep end of the pool and now I’m treading water so far out that not many people want to join me. Going back to the shallow end is really hard for me so I’m just climbing out of the pool entirely. Sigh
I have so much good and wonderful attention in my life. I don’t feel like I have any right to complain about what I’m not getting. How greedy can one girl be? (I knew I should have taken Lolita’s “How to be a greedy pig” class.) I think I’m back to feeling the “lack of primary” sort of feeling and it is really annoying because I basically don’t have a primary and yet I am unable to look for one. Not that it would be good for me to jump into any sort of more serious relationship with anyone else. Today I am once again, ripe for a love story. This state comes and goes for me. I went through it a few times earlier in my relationship with Tom and I managed to create more romance for the two of us. Now I am frustrated with myself because I am no longer willing to go through so much effort for so little return with him. Now I am just overwhelmingly bitter when he doesn’t come home on time for date nights. I eat Top Ramen without him and watch tv. He will come home eventually or not, whatever. I’m not going to fight about it anymore. I am changing in my attitude and I don’t like it. Well, in some ways I like it a lot. I am happy that I am no longer kow towing to crappy treatment. Go me! I am not willing to exert lots of energy when I will get nothing back. This is a positive boundary. However, I’m not trying much for my relationship anymore and it is sad. I can see Tom push and pull around wanting to do things, but he doesn’t know how. I don’t know what to tell him anymore. Good thing he doesn’t ask! It doesn’t matter that I don’t know what to say! Heh. That is optimism, right?
I’m not sure what my point is or even if I have one. I’m just mumbling when I should be sleeping.
Mmmmm, canes.
How should I say….
I like how you think. 🙂
I’ll keep that in mind. 😉
Y’know, I’m of the belief that if you’re not happy, you do have the right to complain. You just have to be careful about what you’re complaining about. So, no, I don’t feel as much sympathy with you about the fact that you’re not getting the *kind* of sex you want, but I certainly do sympathize with the fact that you’re not getting the emotional satisfaction out of your relationships (sexual or otherwise) that you’re looking for.
If you know what I mean.
You seem to be trying to reconcile multiple time-heavy and trust-heavy commitments that are generally incompatible with what you already have. Perhaps you need to rethink what your priorities are, and how much you’re willing to do towards achieving them.
No, that’s not much help. If there were any simple or easy answers here, Dr. Phil and others wouldn’t be famous.
Anyway, mumbling when sleeping is a better option? Yeah, I know all about that…
I felt very fulfilled by being a slave. It was the most fitting label I have ever chosen to give myself. I never doubted for one second that it was right for me. I don’t know if I will ever trust anyone enough to go there again.
Oh, girlie. You’ve intrigued me since first I ever met you online, and now I’m feelin’ for you.
Oy. I don’t want just a little spanking. I want to be caned till I scream. I don’t want to be lightly bound in a decorative fashion; I want full encasement with little ability to breath or adjust. Erf.
So… *why* don’t you want to play with Mister AJC? Seems like a reasonably good match to me. Although it can be hard, very hard, to give up that much with “only” a play relationship to support it.
It sounds like you’re growing away from your primary relationship. Do you see yourself moving out? The reason I ask is this: Can you sustain the intensity of a slave relationship with someone who is not the person you are living with? It seems to me like that would *really* be a way of moving out emotionally, if not physically.
(This is something I’ve thought about a lot. I’ve been very attracted to the idea of seeking a relationship like that, but I do not see how I could be that intense with someone and still maintain my marriage to the wonderful Bean. Especially, in my case, given that with her, I’m the top. So I’ve set that aside and don’t even have to question whether I could manage it at all. [g] Which, you know, I probably couldn’t, being as distractable and bloody-minded as I am.)
I haven’t said I don’t want to play with MisterAJC, just that I get to have influence over the kind of play at first or it won’t happen. 🙂
As for the rest of it, I really don’t know if I can do it and stay with Tom. This would be the question of the year…
Granted I am High Queen of Dump-the-Fucker, but as much as Tom sounds like a decent fellow, he doesn’t sound like a good fit to be your decent fellow (nor you for him).
I jumped into the deep end of the pool and now I’m treading water so far out that not many people want to join me.
Yeah, well, they’re a bunch of sissies. 😉
First: He’s not a fucker. 🙂 He’s a wonderful guy.
Second: Yeah. We both know that he isn’t going to be my Mr. Forever, but he is a really great Mr. Right Now.
Third: Yeah! They are a bunch of sissies! Damnit. How much begging does a girl have to do to get knocked around?
Look, it’s nothing you did. It’s just going to be a couple of paychecks before I can restock the toy chest. 😀
To clarify–I wasn’t calling Tom a fucker. It’s a joke from an online board and I used to be on, where somebody would come in whining about Endless SO Problems, and my reaction was usually “So why don’t you dump him/her?” Thus, it’s a title, not a slam on Tom.
Yes, and I think Boot_Slut was trying to make a funny… 😉
Nope not a fucker, a pud yanker, apparently. 🙂
I think that boot_slut and I would like to play, but I’m not able to as my SO and I are giving monogamy a try.
I miss having a slave. *not a come on, just a statement of sympathy.*
Its a relationship almost impossible to describe to someone outside of it- and I can understand why you have had such trouble finding it again. Best of luck, you WILL find the right person for it. From the few times we’ve interacted, I can see what an incredible honor it will be for who ever is lucky enough to be the one to have you wear his collar.