Sooner or later, we all sleep alone.

Years ago, well, five years ago at least, Stephen and I deliberated on what size of bed to buy. We decided that a queen size bed was big enough and wouldn’t overwhelm the room we had. I’m really glad we made that decision. Sleeping alone in a king sized bed sucks ass. You always feel alone. Well, at least I always feel like I am always on my side of the bed and there is still always room for another body, a body that isn’t there. In a queen sized bed I can sleep on the diagonal and then there wouldn’t really be room for anyone else. It can be just my bed.

I have only slept alone a handful of times in the past three years. It has been very rare. If I sat down I could probably count all of the times on my fingers. People who have been reading me for any length of time are sick of my anxiety around sleeping alone. 🙂 Thanks for your patience darlings. I slept alone last night. In my bed. In the bed that I purchased all by myself. Strange as it sounds, that is a deal to me. Tom’s bed had become “our bed” but it had to become something. It was his. Now it is his again. He has always slept on his side of the bed anyway without regard to being alone or with someone. I slept ok. I snuggled up to the boys. I mentioned splitting custody with him and he told me that they were gifts for me and he doesn’t want to take them from me. I appreciate it. I’m going to put the body pillow on one side and absolutely overwhelm myself with snuggles on the other side. I was smashed enough last night that I passed out without a problem. It is going to be a little harder when I’m sober. I have to get over my anxiety though. This is going to be good for me. I am going to learn how to sleep alone damnit. I haven’t slept alone consistently since I was… 13? 14? It’s about time.

12 thoughts on “Sooner or later, we all sleep alone.

  1. sillymesaysme

    I agree. Sleeping alone sucks. If I had a choice I would rarely do it. But on a plus side you get used to it. I recomend a teddy bear or other stuffed animal. You can even have it stay with another for a few nights and when you get it back it will smell like said person. That never hurts. My bed is a safe spot for me, so I can’t imagine how losing its comfort would feel. *Huggs*

    Reply
    1. eeyore42

      MMm… Yeah. I have a silly 6ft red caterpillar with 33 pairs of legs with little shoes that I can snuggle up into when I feel small and lonely in my bed. It was given to me by my ex but strangely I still found it comforting after we split. I sometimes take it with me when I travel far away for extended periods.

      Reply
  2. blacksheep_lj

    Body pillows are good…I have a big U shaped one – I can’t tell if I’m alone in bed or not! Well, except that when I am alone, I tend to wind up pointed the wrong direction – can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up completely sideways across the bed. I feel bad for Mark having to sleep with me – God knows what a pain I am.

    Reply
  3. tshuma

    I have a body pillow I hold onto when I have to sleep alone. It’s not the anxiety-producing thing for me that it is for you, but my nightmares tend to get worse when I’m alone; for years I’ve sought out friends with whom sharing a bed can mean doing just that, for the sheer comfort of another’s presence.

    Why is it that so many things that are good for us to learn about hurt like hell in the process?

    Reply
  4. ribbin

    Sleeping alone is like going to the movies alone. It’s weird and lonely and somehow seems not right. But, if you think about it, it’s actually not that bad once you get over the feeling of air around you. Granted, you can’t reach out and touch someone whenever you feel like it, but you can come and go when you please, sit/lie wherever the fuck you want, sprawled as much as you please, and NOBODY will get on your case about it. It’s far more convenient that way. Yeah, it’s not as nice as sharing a bed, but sometimes it can be flat out nice.
    Especially if you’re like me and wake up with sneezing fits in the middle of the night, not wanting to deal with climbing over anyone to get out of bed, just want to go get some water on your face.
    sorry, was that TMI?
    /rant.

    Reply
  5. auros

    Having the for snuggles helped a lot, during the year of alone-ness I had between the current relationship and the one before.

    If you look at our history as a species, having a private bedroom at all is a very recent idea. We used to all share a room in a hut, or whatever, and even if you weren’t snuggled up to somebody, you’d have others nearby where you could hear them breathe… And there’s good medical evidence that our bodies actually tune some of their functions (including those related to sleep, like breathing and heart rate) partly through interactions with people we’re close to. Which I suspect explains why my sleep cycle is much saner when I’m sharing my bed with a partner on a regular basis.

    Have you considered asking any of your just-friends (or even slightly-flirty) type friends if you can crash with them sometimes, just to get some cuddling and care?

    Reply
      1. ditenebre

        I agree. You are certainly going to need/want/have time with others, but one thing you really, really need right now is time with yourself. Because, as much as we all may try, we can only really understand a rather limited amount of what’s truly going on inside you. We can empathize, if we’ve been through similar situations. We can offer shoulders to cry on and hugs. But all of that is only going to go so far in helping you. The rest of it is going to be you, going inside yourself, healing the hurts and loving yourself.

        We’ll always be here waiting for you when you emerge.

        Reply
  6. _duncan

    engraved in phosphor

    Until further notice you are welcome to swing by unannounced and demand snugglespace. (Not that I’d expect you to show up, but hey at least I’m more likely to make the bed with the invitation standing.)

    Reply
  7. boxofchaos

    I think sleeping alone brings out my dominant side, my… this is my bed, my room, MY DOMAIN side.

    It’s a good thing for me. I sacraficed all of myself for so long.

    This will be hard, but it will also bring new insight, new energy, and time to spend with you- to grow and evolve in the way that only you know you need to.

    Hang in there sweet girl. You have plenty of positive energy coming from friends and loved ones.

    Reply
  8. ef2p

    Sleeping alone in a king sized bed sucks ass. You always feel alone.

    Heck, when and I sleep in a King we both feel alone.

    Reply

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