I really hate being overly emotional. I equate it with drama. I really dislike drama in numerous ways. I really really dislike it when it feels like it is coming from me. I really want to be a low drama person. It is important to me. I don’t feel like I’m being low drama right now though. Hell, most of the time I feel like I am too high drama and it is much worse right now. Grrrrrr.

Why do I think emotions are such awful things? I try like hell to stifle all signs of emotion in myself. Just pretend it isn’t there. I do a pretty good job a lot of the time. Then someone comes along and bursts my bubble of self-defense and I bawl like a little kid. That happened yesterday. I had been brazening out some of my sadness and just getting stuff done. Then I talked on the phone to one of the most amazing women I have ever had the good fortune to meet. She didn’t let me have my front. She talked to me about sadness and love and letting go and crying and…. I freakin bawled. It was almost embarassing only I know she would never in a million years hold it against me. I have a real issue about crying with/in front of people. Yeah I know–that issue is very common. Although actually, I can cry over movies or music or someone else’s problems without any issue. Crying about me actually feeling emotional pain is the tough part. I cried and cried. I hung up the phone and cried some more. I skipped dance rehearsal. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t have it in me. I went over to a social type event though because I know that I always feel good in that space.

I was so right. I totally made the right call. The night started out with a wonderful, amazing, desperately needed hug by the hot host. The world would be a better place if there were more people like him and his wife. I was a little apprehensive when I got there. I desperately needed to not deal with drama or anyone else’s emotional neediness. I just didn’t have anything to give.There was a little bit of awkwardness once when I needed to communicate that to someone. It has nothing to do with whether I like or don’t like you, right now I have nothing to give you and our relationship has big chunks of me needing to support you. Right now I can’t. Not I don’t want to. I can’t. I’m not sure how it was received or communicated or what, but it was all I could do. I went over and sat behind a boy that I barely know. He and I have a sort of interesting snuggle relationship going on (dude, I met him at Black Sheets of course there is snuggling/sexual stuff there) and he looked at me funny for a second then patted me on the head and gave me exactly what I needed. He didn’t ask me, “Are you ok?” He didn’t demand any talking. He didn’t try to push on touching me too intimately. He just gently put his hand on a not intimate part of my body and let me bask in his presence. Go him. I still don’t know him very well, but he is the sort of fellow that I madly want to have in my life.

After that I got up and started moving around for a while. I got to show a cute boy waltz steps in the kitchen. I got held and rocked back and forth. I didn’t ever have to talk about what was going on. Some people knew, and they were great about being friendly and supportive without pushing. Thank goodness. By the time food showed up I was starting to get antsy just because I wanted food. After eating my brain chemistry started stablizing in many happy ways. I felt better physically and my brain decided to stop being all anxious. It was great. I didn’t really participate in any of the conversations, but I listened and was amused and felt included anyway. It is rare that I feel included even when I’m not participating. I went to the hot tub and some boys did their best to stroke my ego. Or some other part of my anatomy. I forget which… I was somewhat amazed that it happened. I was even more impressed that I let it happen. Once or twice I had these twinges of, “No! I’m supposed to be depressed and sad and grieving right now, not flirting!” But I squashed those thoughts and enjoyed the attention. It felt good. I am certainly not going to be able to entertain any thoughts of feeling like I will always be alone in the next few months. heh. Boys gave me their cards. It was cute and sweet and such. I don’t know if I have time or energy to pursue anything beyond the level of flirting that is going on, but I really appreciated the flirting.

Then I had a uhm, titilating, conversation about canes and playing and how such things are very good things. I like how he thinks.

Then I got to hang out waiting for a vehicle to be fixed (they were using my flashlight). It didn’t get fixed. Everyone eventually went home. It was good.

I may be an emotional wreck, but I’m an emotional wreck with the most freakin amazing support network in the world. My phone has been ringing off the hook with calls from out of town friends who love me and want to express their support. Long-term friends are bending over backwards to tell me they love me. And I have a relatively new group of people who are being very loving. I really can’t say that my life sucks. I’m sad. The situation is sad. But it will get better. I have faith.