“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

– Theodor Seuss Geisel aka Dr. Suess

I think I am going to write this on my mirror so that I look at each day when I am getting ready. I’m going to backslide a lot, I’m sure, but I need to try and think more positively about my relationship ending and moving on with my life. Tom was amazing for me. As my mother said to me, he helped me grow up. I learned so much about myself and about the world while I was with him. As the kids say these days, he rocked my world. This seems to be a post about quotes. Hm. When I started dating Tom I was fierce about the fact that I did not want to be a submissive. I knew from the get go that I was a bottom, but I wasn’t comfortable submitting. It felt too much like abuse for me. As our relationship moved on, the service and the submission became far more important to me. In the end it became a deal breaker. I learned that about myself because he was willing to experiment with me and help me grow. He came into the relationship wanting D/s and learning that it is not actually something he wants to have as a structured part of his life—I helped him grow and I feel really good about that. I learned what fetish clothes mean to me. I learned that I am mostly interested in appealing to the visual/kinesthetic desires of those around me. I learned that bondage is a wonderful thing and I truly love it, but I need pain in my life. I need to get the crap kicked out of me fairly regularly or I get really frustrated. The pain can be administered in a number of ways though. I’m not particular. I learned many things about the more mundane parts of my life and relationship needs. Things I wasn’t ready to know before I met him. Tom helped me explore big chunks of my psyche that needed to be explored. Together we explored rape fantasies, which are a huge and scary thing for me. I became more comfortable with the fact that it is ok that I need to be forced and held down. I learned that it is ok for me to be attached to the Daddy/daughter dynamic in a sexual way. Through exploring Daddy with Tom I have actually looked at some of the deepest, darkest parts of my psyche. I looked at what being abused by my father meant to me. Interestingly, my father was never “Daddy” he was “Dad” or my “father” but never “Daddy.” The relationship that I have with Guy (my adopted scene Dad) is not full of the hang-ups though. I think because we had years of paternal, safe interactions before sex was introduced. Strangely, I think that sex is going to become a much bigger part of our relationship now. I’m still a little freaked by it, but I think I want it.

This weekend I did a few things I have never done before. I went out on a first date with James. I met him at black sheets months ago and we have been talking quite a bit ever since. He has become the voice on the phone at night when I am upset. We talk about our lives as much as our sexual predilections. I hear about his son and his relationships and his dog. (His dog is very sick and it is very sad.) He was already becoming a complete person to me before we had a “date.” It is interesting to me that most of the people I am meeting or going out on dates with ask me out as the biggest chunk of getting to know one another. Sometimes I wonder if I really know enough about the person to go out with them. This was completely the opposite case. When I first met James, I thought there was something a little funky about him. I think there was something in his kissing style that just wasn’t what I wanted that night. I was extremely uncertain about spending time with him. If he had asked me out for a date right away I would have told him no. He looked me up through IM though and we started chatting. The conversations were stilted at first and then began flowing. I started seeing him as a person. I began really liking him. I started looking for him and initiating the conversations. Recently we have started talking on the phone as well. I like him a lot. It was with extreme delight that I looked forward to our first date. There were so many factors. We had actually intended to do something vanilla next weekend as our first date so that we could decide if we wanted to spend more time together. Instead, he mentioned that he was going to a Burning Man event down in Santa Cruz and told me that I would have fun. We discussed hanging out when I arrived down there, assuming I would arrive later/separate from him. I told him that I probably wouldn’t feel very comfortable because he would be off scoping chicks to play with and I’m not very good at finding new people in the moment. He promised me that I would not be alone or ignored. I asked him how he could be sure. He reiterated, I would not be alone or ignored. I’m slow sometimes. As we got closer to the event I decided that I wasn’t going to Peers for a variety of reasons and I made an off-hand comment about how he would be driving past me. He offered to pick me up and we negotiated sleeping in his tent (with or without funny business as it came up). Very mellow and fun. We had been talking fairly extensively about E in the past few weeks. He mentioned that he would be doing it and offered to share with me. He told me that nothing would be expected of me if I did it. I told him that he bloody well better expect to be ‘helping me out’ because I’m always over sexed and I anticipated E to be something that would rock my world. I was so right.

I enjoyed the drive down with him. We talked and played and flirted. That type of sparring is so much fun for me. I think he enjoyed it too. He smiled and said he was having fun. I think I’ll trust him. He is one of those traditional sorts of boys so I had a few moments of erfness as we bought food and paid admission to the beach. It is still something that isn’t easy for me, letting someone else pay that is. I keep reminding myself that I’m freakin broke and if someone else offers to pay it isn’t an insult. We set up our tent and I felt very shy. He said hello to many people and I slunk around behind him feeling silly and uninitiated. I eventually managed to find a way to be helpful and I started feeling more involved and like it was ok for me to be there. I don’t mean “ok” in the sense that anyone was unwelcoming or anything—I’m just strange. I helped set up for music. I know how to do that! Yay for years of working sound. I started being able to put names with faces and I felt more comfortable. I don’t care what my teacher says; mental rehearsing is a good way of retaining knowledge. (Insert long list of names I said over and over and over again trying to get them into my head.) There was a little bit of light flirting, but not much. I was feeling shy. Eventually we trotted out the E and then went over to the Tent o’ Temptation. I’m not sure if I am focused enough to really tell the story right now. I’m still too centered around my cunt and wanting to get laid. Oy. Let me try though.

James and I kissed and touched for a little while. I was pretty impatient wanting to feel the effects. Waiting for that little pill to dissolve under my tongue was agony because it tasted so awful. James was a sweet, wonderful, kind soul and got me an Altoid to suck on at the same time. Yay him. We kissed and touched and generally spent time being smoochy and affectionate waiting for the E to kick in. It did. When it did it felt like my whole world shifted in focus. (Side note- I have very little drug experience. Experimentation has always been something I have avoided. So this was a huge deal for me.) Amazing is the only word I can use to describe it. A really hot girl starting talking to me, the lovely Special K, she had me stand up and take my clothes off (it didn’t take much prompting with a hot girl there wanting me to be naked) so she could wrap me in sheepskin. Dear lord did that feel good. Melty hot overwhelming delicious good.

About this time (as I was just melting into this piece of fur), a guy came in that I had been talking to earlier, J. J asked if he could eat my pussy. (For the record, I prefer the word cunt and generally default to it, but everyone there used the word pussy so I am choosing to respect their language during this narrative. I am such a fucking English major.) James gave him permission, well, they both sort of wanted my permission and I gave my consent in a muddled sort of way. What was going on for me was that I was trusting James not to get me into a bad position, while reserving the right to say, “No” if something bothered me. Although, really, I was in the mood for pretty much anything and everything. A flagging orange sort of night. He went down on me and I came like a frigging freight train. Anyone who has much experience with me knows that it was weird for that to happen. I usually don’t care for oral sex and turn it down 99% of the time. I’m just not into it. I was into it like crazy this weekend. After a while he rolled over and asked if I would suck his cock. We had a discussion about STD testing and safety (I am so good about such things, even while on drugs) and I went down on him. He had a great cock. I was really happy to have it in my mouth. *swoon* James at this point made the very helpful suggestion that he should fuck me. What a sweet guy! *swoon* It was a lovely fuck. I was on top and it worked for me! I really need to do this drug again. All sorts of sex acts that normally don’t do anything for me were blow-my-fucking-mind amazing. James kissed me and touched me while it was going on and gave me the bit of connection that makes sex so much better. When he was all done with me, what a sweet guy, I took a few minutes to just enjoy touching my stomach and chest.

Another person came in and James told him that I had an empty hole and that he should help me out with that. Well, at least that is what I gather from what James told me a little while ago. Frankly, my memory is fuzzy. I just remember closing my legs long enough to decide if the person was cute or not. Heh. Big slut. Big big big big big slut. Yup, that’s me! He ate me out some more and then fucked me for a while. I gave him the not too subtle hint, “I will like it if you hurt me.” Turns out he is a Temple of Atonement person so he was way good with that little comment. A very nice fuck. Then James decided to be really really really really nice to me and he fucked me. Mmmmmm yummy. Oh! I forgot to mention that somewhere in the middle of all this James and I started a Daddy type dialogue. A very explicit one. This began when I was being a dork on the drive down and he decided I was 13. I told him no, I’m 12. Oh yeah this sparked all sorts of nasty comments. And throughout all of this activity I was asking James for permission to come. What a big detail to miss. He was telling me stories about the special “slut school” he would like to send me to. He was telling me about how every girl gets their anal cherry popped on the first day as part of their orientation. Orgasms, orgasms, and more orgasms. That is what I was having. I had orgasms just from being told stories. I had orgasms from the most casual concentrated touch. Everything was amazing. Special K was on the other side of the tent having fun and she kept poking her head up and asking, “Again?!” I was blushing and laughing. It was so great. James and I finished and I fell asleep. Even on a drug cut with speed I can pass out. I’m telling you—I’m a sleeper. Eventually I woke up and came out to find him by the fire. He told me he had been checking on me every so often. I felt a warm little happy feeling because he was checking on me. We sat out there and I enjoyed the music. We eventually made our way back to our tent (after the sun was coming up) and had some more delicious sex. By this point I wasn’t really feeling the E anymore. Sex with him was really awesome even without drugs, what a good sign! We fell asleep for a while again.

When we woke up next we went back to the fire and Special K tempted me with the Tent o’ Temptation again. I grabbed her hand and ran! Hell yeah! I started kissing her and touching her and playing with her. I went slowly at first because I didn’t know how much she was actually up for. Her partner F and James followed us over after a few minutes. F went down on Special K first then I started licking her too. I have never gone down on a woman with someone else before. It was way hot. She and James alternated who was fingering me. My breasts were played with by a variety of people. I sucked James’ cock and Special K sucked F. We got fucked at the same time. Kissing her was really nice. All of it was amazing. After several hours of playing we were all a bit worn out and we finally left the tent. James and I started getting our stuff together and we headed out.

I am so grateful for the experience. I’ve been doing research on E and I now have more information on the effects and afterglow (I had done some research before, mostly on health risks though) and I feel a bit more contextualized in my knowledge. It has already been more than 24 hours but I still feel like I am in after glow. All is still well in my world. I am happier than I have been in quite a while. I am ok with the breakup now. I don’t know if I will still be ok in a few weeks, but it kind of feels like I managed to find closure. I read that people tend to do a lot of self-examination and they experience breakdown in their barriers. I guess I did that. Doing it with James was awesome. He told me multiple times, and several people around us told him, that I’m a keeper. We’ll see. I am so happy. I can’t wait to see him again.