“rolling around on the floor” I hate how that sounds, but it was essentially true I suppose.

I did dextromethorphan. Why did I do it? Because at this point in time I am going rapid fire through new experiences and drugs seem to be one of them. No, I am not going to try pcp or heroin. Jesus. I am doing my homework before I try things and I am staying away from things that are addictive, and I am watching doses to make sure I physically safe. I am also only experimenting when there is someone around who can help me stay safe. Most of the time, I am pretty confident in my ability to keep myself safe, but help is good sometimes.

Again, why did I do this one? I was told that it is a disassociative drug. What does that mean? You will feel cut off from everything around you. You will not experience any of your normal connections with your body. Hmmmmm. Weird. I tend to really like my body and focus on it almost to the point of ill-health. 🙂 So this would be something totally alien to me. The drug isn’t terribly toxic. I was very unlikely to damage myself long-term either physically or mentally so if I hated the trip I would just not repeat it. Things like acid often have flashback experiences later–that is scarier to me.

I had intended to only do a recreational dose and enjoy the “fun” feeling. After being on it for a few hours I wasn’t impressed with the recreational level and had a booster. (The low level dose originally was also to see if I had an enzyme that would have made my life suck while on the drug. Don’t have it. Yay.) I think that as far as recreation goes, I would rather drink than do dxm. It just wasn’t that impressive. And the puking was a decided disincentive. Yes. I threw up because of something I did recreationally. No, I’m not crazy. I had been told that I wouldn’t mind throwing up on dxm, and he was right. It was not nearly the unpleasant experience it normally is. In fact, it felt almost good. It felt good because my stomach had been hurting and I got to instantly feel better! That was kind of nice actually. The physical experience of vomiting was not anything like it usually is. Nothing grody in it. The vomiting associated with my booster really didn’t bother me at all. I was very particular about cleaning it up as well. *nod* I take such things seriously!

The first part of the trip was nothing to write home about. enh. Whatever. The second trip (when I hit the third plateau like a bullet train) was amazing. I hallucinated quite a bit. I understood what it meant to be out of my body. I had the most amazing dream-like experiences over and over. I had dozens or hundreds (I don’t remember well enough to know) amazing mini-trips. The patterns on the backs of my eyelids were entrancing and magical. I was encouraged down the hallway into the shower and that was the most incredible experience!!! The physicality of the drug was unparalleled and fantasmagorical as far as I am concerned. I loved it. Mentally it was a bit harder. I was told in advance that I would feel more distance from people in my life. I wasn’t sure how that was going to manifest. For me it manifested as, I intellectually know I love you, but really–I have no emotions toward you whatsoever right now. This barely existed during the trip and was mostly felt yesterday during the hangover. During the trip I didn’t have much interaction because I was firmly in my head.

So I spent some time yesterday sitting at Miss Jenny’s feet. Some time on the phone. Some time trying to feel my normal connections. It was hard. I think I was upset early in the day because my emotional connections are so important to me and I didn’t like not having them. But they came/are coming back. Given the after effects, was the trip worth it? Yes. Why? Because actually I kind of like the feeling that I am reestablishing that these people are important to me. I am going through a mental roster of people in my life and I am very consciously thinking about what kind of emotion I want to have toward them and I am thinking over and over why I want to feel that way towards them. I think it will take a few days. I like being deliberate in my connections though and so this is a very cool prompt for me.

Why do I love Noah? Why do I love Miss Jenny? Why do I love…. I actually really like this feeling. I am choosing my connections rather than having them just be unspoken. I get to decide if I love ‘x’ person. In an odd way I really like it.