Tonight I got to go to the Plough. I showed up late and stayed late. I skipped a birthday party I had intended to go to. It was wonderful. I danced and danced and flirted and flirted. I felt these fresh bursts of love over and over for the wonderful men and women who call me friend and express their extreme delight in seeing me. I felt connections reforming and I welcome them. I felt so much love for so many people. I have the greatest friends. I often say that I am loved more than I deserve, tonight it was evinced once again.
Testing boundaries. I am getting myself into situations lately that are concerning people who love me. In all honesty, my first reaction was, “I don’t give a fuck.” But then I stopped and thought about it. All of the concern is motivated by love. Ok fine. I will explain then. Because I love the people who love me and I do understand the concern.
I am pushing limits and testing boundaries of what I have always said and thought I wanted for myself lately. In major, big, scary ways. I am taking the itty bitty shreds of rebellious/dangerous thoughts I have always had and I am expanding on them and acting on them. Why? You might ask… For lots of reasons. Because, “You should do one thing every day that scares you.” And I don’t scare easily. Because I want to see what pushing these boundaries will lead to. Because frankly, I have very little to lose right now. Ok, so people could decide to stop loving me because I am doing things they don’t approve of, but I don’t think I want that kind of love anyway. I have always done things that one person or another disapproves of. Because I want to see what I am capable of. Because I like hard core strange twisted things. Because the opportunities are coming up right when I am capable of following through with them. Because I have turned down many opportunities in the last few years because Tom wouldn’t approve and I don’t have that hanging over my head anymore. Because I’m not as good as people think I am. Because I am fucking sick of trying to be perfect. Because I want to have made mistakes of my own so that I don’t always wonder, “what if?”
I am taking risks, but not risks that are any more severe than any I have taken before. Really. I am doing my homework before I choose to take calculated risks. I don’t tend to talk about some of the really heavy duty sm I have done. I don’t talk about the physical risks I have taken. I don’t talk about the heavy duty humiliation play I get off on. People, I do all sorts of fucked up things. Don’t think that just because I haven’t talked about things that squick you before now that it means I don’t do such things. Relax. Everything will be ok. I go through phases. Every few years I need to take a bunch of big scary risks within a short period. In a few months I will chill out and it will be back to freakiness as usual.
Hey, it was great to see you at Plough again!
Your comment about not being as good as people sometimes think you are reminded me of something someone said to me at faire last weekend. She accused me of being good at being bad. Fact is, I’m just bad at being good.
🙂
“Because I want to see what I am capable of. Because I like hard core strange twisted things. Because the opportunities are coming up right when I am capable of following through with them.”
It sounds to me like you are taking very calculated risks, and it’s all part of growing up. Just know that you are human, and you have boundries to pay attention to. It’s up to you to find those though, and I for one..think you’re doing a good job!
*snuggles and stuff*
“You should do one thing every day that scares you.”
every day? I mean, I know you’re not taking this literally, but… I think that’s a little much. Every year or maybe every month. I happen to think there’s some value in having some mundane days mixed in too. Boring routine is bad but discipline and health habits are good. And not scare so much as excites with the possibilities despite the risks. Just… yeah. Not commenting on what you’re doing currently. I just think that’s a really dumb quote and if you’re actually being guided by it I would question that. Scaring by itself is pretty pointless, IME.
Yeah, I agree. If you interpret “scare” as “challenge yourself somehow” (whether it’s a physical or mental challenge, or something that challenges your assumptions, or whatever), it bothers me less. Maybe “something that pushes you outside your comfort zone” even. But daily means you could let it rule your life.
If you do something that scares you every day, and you let it rule your life, it’s like letting education rule your life. In fact, if you’re doing it right, that is letting education rule your life.
Like college, it’s healthy as long as you don’t overdo it and realize that there’s more to life than improving yourself. You have to go out and do something with it.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not a very good idea from time to time.
It is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. I don’t actually do something each and everyday. I’m often too tired to feel fearful on a given day. 🙂 I have fairly good health habits these days. I am trying to keep up with my exercise and I am eating healthy food more often than not (Yeah, sometimes I cave for Hostess cupcakes… but only two or three times a year.)
I think that it is a good quote because many people live their life from the perspective of fear. I don’t think living by this quote would be healthy for me because I happen to have very little fear and I would be putting my life in jeopardy pretty much daily and that would be going too far. But for many people, it is a positive thing. My mother is afraid of saying hello to a stranger at a grocery store. I think it is very positive for her to push herself. So, you can go ahead and think it is pointless.
Risks and rewards
I’m *so* with you on the “do something that scares you every day” thing, though I would phrase it slightly differently. Do something that makes your adrenaline pump, your heart race and your mind clear.
A few years ago, my father read an article about the “risk” gene that some scientist somewhere claims to have discovered. I don’t recall all the details (and don’t have time to google it at the moment) but I do recall thinking that it was fairly plausible.
Both my biological father and I engage in frequent risky behavior, though on the whole for both of us they are legal risks. He believes that we share the risk gene, and is always amused by my syblings who tend toward mousiness.
Due to certain comittments I made a few years ago, I’ve promised not to engage in several life threatening activities for the next 10-12 years. It sucks, often, but responsibility has reared its ugly head.
I’ve never really thought about some of the things I’ve done as being potentially life threatening until I’ve seen them through someone else’s eyes. I’ve known since I was a small child approximately when and approximately how I am going to die, which has freed me to take many chances that maybe others don’t feel free to take.
Ok, enough rambling. Take calculated risks, but try to come home whole. You’re a sweet girl.
Re: Risks and rewards
The joke about there being two kinds of people (adrenalin junkies and endorphin junkies) aside, the ‘risk gene’ is, as you say, something some scientist somewhere claims to have discovered, and as I recall, discovered only in that subset of people who cannot seem to stop taking stupid risks. It’s silly to assume that anyone who likes taking any risks has a Risk Gene that creates that behavior.
How can you possibly know when and how you are going to die? I’ll buy that you have a good idea of, say, a genetic condition that might cause your death around a particular age. But none of us has any way of knowing that the next car over on the freeway won’t lose its brakes and run into us (God forbid).
Re: Risks and rewards
Intuition, mostly. I’ve had the same dream both waking and sleeping as long as I can remember. While some small details change, the heart of the matter is the same. It is one of the few things I take on faith.
I agree, mostly
I’d like to say, both to you, and to whoever reads here, that I think the risks you have been taking, at least those I know about, are calculated. If anything, you think things through too much sometimes. A bit of spontaneity now and again isn’t harmful either.
There’s a difference between doing something new, edgy, risky, etc., after having weighed its risks and rewards versus plunging blindly and ignorantly into such an activity; I would hate for people to mistake one for the other.
Re: I agree, mostly
And I know that you’re still questioning and searching on some of the risks you’ve chosen to take. Which is reassuring, and comforting to me.
Re: I agree, mostly
Over-analyzing can sometimes get one in trouble, that’s all I’m saying. For example, trying to divine meaning or intent from an innocuous comment or action. I think we’re all guilty of that from time to time.