Who is sick?

What kind of sick?

It was stated that everyone is sick. I want to know what kind of misery I am sharing.

I don’t have time to be sick. I have homework to do, cleaning to do, not to mention lots of boys to do. I have a play scheduled for this Friday and a Ren Faire all weekend. Please God, let me feel better by tomorrow or there is no freakin way I should go to the Ren Faire. 🙁

I don’t wanna miss out on fun!!!!!!!!!!!! It would suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate hurling. 🙁

I must be sending off some very weird sort of pheromones today. I was driving home from class and not one, but two guys started up conversations when I was sitting at stop lights. Both of them asked me to follow them. WTF?! Uhh… I didn’t follow either of them. I was more than a little freaked out by it happening twice within 3 minutes though.

Noah and I had a chat last night. A lot of it centered around defining what is wrong with me. I really and truly love these conversations. He puts things into perspective for me.

So right now I’m pondering where my focus is. How I’m choosing to spend my time. What kind of disfunctional I am. What kind of disfunctional do I encourage other people to be?

As he says- “You have all the positives that come with being crazy, only you aren’t.” How is this manifesting in my life?

What do I want? Who do I want? On one hand, it is fabulous to have choices. On the other hand… choices are scary and overwhelming.

My gorgeous friend Mo is in a play.

I want to go on Saturday November 13th because it is the only Saturday night I have available… Really sad, I know. I’m so busy. Frightning.

Anyone want to come with me?

I was sitting around thinking this morning (instead of paying attention in class) about the boys in my life.

I am sooooooooooooo lucky. I like my Noah. I like my James. (How in the hell did he become my James so fast?! Dude. I am going slower in my head than he is. Most frightning.) I’m in love and in lust and really enamored and twitterpated and… yeah. Good stuff.

Uhm. Other boys are uhm. Not so easy right now. Time is a limited commodity unfortunately. No wonder so many people tell me they have a hard limit of two at a time. I’m not giving up on having options though. Damnit! Like boys! Want more fun! Hm. Sleep isn’t necessary, is it? I can find more time for fun somewhere… Oh wait. I’m already not sleeping enough.

hmmm…. 🙂

I need to devote some quality time to more icons. If a cute boy thinks I should have more icons, more icons I shall have.

Yesterday I flaked on the SF munch and plans with friends because my stomach hurt and I had a horrible headache. I wandered around in circles putting stuff away all day instead. Uhm… progress was made I suppose… I apologize to those I flaked on. I wanted to see you both. 🙁

I haven’t been going to play parties lately. I used to go to this one party every first Saturday for three straight years. Now… I haven’t been much in the last nine months. Dancing was the first thing that I was ever willing to skip the event for. I haven’t been to this party in six months. At around eight o’clock I realized that I should get off my ass if I was going to go. I didn’t really want to go, but I had RSVP’ed and I haven’t seen any of them in forever.Many friends were very happy about seeing me. I haven’t been going to the munch either, and now I really won’t go to that munch anymore (it’s in Sunnyvale. I don’t think so.)

I showed up a little after nine and left a bit after eleven. I am such a party animal. I figured that I would just be socializing and snuggling a little with these people that I have loved for years. Well, it was almost true. Until L told me to follow him to the kitchen. Then he had me wash his hands for him (ok, that was kinda hot). Then we went into one of the other rooms and he fucked with my mouth for a long time. I really really like being controlled by my mouth. It is one of my secret hot buttons. (Secret as in: not mentioned in the users guide.) Being controlled by my mouth is one of the fastest ways to get me into a submissive headspace. I get wet. I feel like I totally belong to the person who is using me. Very powerful stuff. We played like that for a while and then he went and got knives and hurt me for a while. *swoon* And I didn’t think I was going to play! 🙂 The goal of this scene, as stated by him, was to make me scream. Yay. I do like boys who want to make me scream. I talked to people for a little while after the scene and then I went on my way home.

Sleeping alone is ok. I am now up to four nights by myself alone in my bed in this apartment. (not that I am keeping track) I’m falling asleep ok if I cling tightly to Ted and Edmund. I haven’t woken up in the middle of the night yet. The hard part right now is when I wake up in the morning. That was the traditional time for Tom and I to snuggle. 🙁 Instead, I am getting out of bed way early and getting stuff done. Not a horrible thing.

Y = Yes (or yes, again), M = maybe, N = No, = = decline to state.

( ) go out with me?
( ) give me your number?
( ) let me kiss you?
( ) have sex with me?
( ) play an SM scene with me?
( ) watch a movie with me… even a really sappy one?
( ) let me take you out to dinner?
( ) drive me somewhere/anywhere?
( ) take a shower with me?
( ) be my gf/bf?
( ) have a fling with me?
( ) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
( ) buy me a drink if I didn’t have money?
( ) take me home for the night?
( ) let me sleep in your bed?
( ) sing car karaoke with me?
( ) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn’t want to go alone?
( ) re-post this for me to answer your questions?
( ) come and pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of petrol in the middle of nowhere?

Screened comments if you want them to be.

I don’t like this one very much.

Today I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I spent $22. I got:

2 new sets of sheets. (I had two so far, but they are both in cruddy shape and I hate hate hate the green set. Damn clingy knit crap.)
Toilet bowl brush (not exciting but way necessary)
3 new towels: one blue, one green, one PINK. Guess who gets the pink one?
Drawers for under my bathroom sink. I need to organize my schtuff.
A new comb that will hang better in my shower than the one in there right now. It falls down a lot. Ickiness.
A new scrubby loofah thing. The one I have now… uhmmmmm I’ve had it a while. Needs go bye bye.
3 bars of vanilla scented soap cause I like it and damnit I can have a girly bathroom now.
3 vanilla sachets for keeping in with blankets/closet/drawer places. 🙂
A new hamper cause the one I have is too small and very very broken.

Ok, so I spent $22. But I got all of this through the generosity of two very wonderful, fabulous people. I appreciate your willingness to give me such a generous gift for my birthday. Most of these things I don’t “need” but they certainly make my life a bit better. I spent a few hours in the store trying to figure out how best to spend the money to get the most for what I had and I am really happy about the purchases.

I would have just sent an email, but I only have the girl one’s email. The boy one should read this too. I love you both. Thank you.

James asked me to come over tonight. It will make my already heinous commute longer. It will mean skipping Pryanksters. It will mean leaving S&P early.

dude.

I’m going to do it. *sigh* Girls are such silly creatures.

Suicide Tuesday came and went. I’m still smiling. I’m still happy. Life is all spiffy and such. I’m still ok with the break up. Things are in a strange sort of settling in. I happier about most everything than I thought I would/could be.

I’m tempted to wait for the other shoe to drop and for depression to sink in.

Nawww. I’ll just keep smiling and singing and feeling all kinds of loved. I’m going to be ok. I’ll keep on keeping on.

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

– Theodor Seuss Geisel aka Dr. Suess
Pondering and such

I got distracted while doing homework, so I didn’t have time to write up my report of my first BM event. I didn’t get a chance to write a long story about my first experience with Ecstasy. I didn’t get a chance to tell you all about all the really yummy sex I had.

Bummer.

Maybe I will write it up in class and post it when I next have internet access. 🙂

He isn’t coming home tonight.

Right at this minute,

I would rather slit my wrists than continue packing.

How can I leave.