Monthly Archives: November 2004

hurting

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I am a stupid petty bitch.

Roots

I have a pathological attachment to people who matter to me. I hold on to friends for long after they fit with my life. Why in the hell do I still know Brittney? Why do I love Anna so much? Why am I letting so much go now?

It seems as though this year has been about leaving things behind. I have found new people to bond with. The dance community; I’m starting to find burners as well. I haven’t been spending much time with the bdsm crowd. I rarely see my theatre friends. I have somehow reconnected with people I knew in high school though in a peripheral way.

I feel like this has been a year of beginnings and endings. Dancing, bdsm, relationships, friendships….

I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m not feeling dependable or stable. And it hurts.

Sharing.

1. Age: 23
2. Gender: Female
3. Highest grade of school completed: B.A.
4. Racial/Ethnic background: White
5. Sexual Orientation: Bisexual
6. Have you ever been legally married to a man? No
Are you legally married now? No
7. Have you ever been sexually attracted to a woman/to women? Yes
If yes, at what age were you first attracted? 5
8. Have you ever had sex with a female? Yes
If yes, how old were you when you had your first genital sex with a female? 7
9. How many female sexual partners have you had in all? 14
How many female sexual partners have you had in the last year? 6
Of your female sex partners, how may were also romantic/love relationships? 2
10. Have you ever been sexually attracted to a man/to men? Yes
If yes, at what age were you first attracted? 5
11. Have you ever had sex with a male? Yes
If yes, how old were you when you had your first genital sex with a male? 12
12. How many male sexual partners have you had in all? 44
How many male sexual partners have you had in the last year? 19 (I include people with whom I only have oral sex.)
Of your male sex partners, how may were also romantic/love relationships? 9 (And this is a liberal definition of romantic relationship. Relationships that have lasted more than 6 weeks: 5.)
13. Think of all the sexual attractions you’ve had, whether you had sex with them or not.
Were they to:Both men and women
14. Think of all the sexual attractions you’ve had IN THE LAST YEAR.
Were these attractions to: Both men and women
15. Have you ever had any of the following diseases or conditions? Please check any you have EVER had:
Abnormal Pap Smear
Genital warts (HPV)
Now please check any that are STILL problems: (I’ve been in the clear for just shy of two years.)
16. Have you ever participated in any of these sexual activities with women?
Kissing/Deep kissing
Touching, caressing, and rubbing bodies
Touching genitals
Receiving oral sex
Giving oral sex
Finger(s) in vagina
Finger(s) in rectum
Use of dildos, vibrators, other sex toys
Spanking
Bondage
Other BDSM
Other (Anything I can think of.)
17. Have you ever participated in any of these sexual activities with men?
Kissing/Deep kissing
Touching, caressing, and rubbing bodies
Touching genitals
Receiving oral sex
Giving oral sex
Penis in vagina
Penis in rectum
Finger(s) in vagina
Finger(s) in rectum
Use of dildos, vibrators, other sex toys
Spanking
Bondage
Other BDSM
Other (Anything I can think of.)
18. The following is a list of sexual problems women can have. Please place a check next to each of them that you have ever had on an ongoing basis (more than occasionally):
Pain during vaginal penetration
Trouble lubricating
Sex not pleasurable, even if it is not painful
Feel anxious about sexual performance
Feel guilty about sex
Feel more desire than partner
19. About how often do you have sex with another person? One or more times per week
20. About how often do you masturbate? One or more times a week
21. On average, how often do you think about sex? More than once a day
22. Do you identify with the kink/leather/BDSM community? Yes
23. Do you consider yourself polyamorous (participate in ‘open relationships’)? Yes
24. Where would you put yourself on the following scale? Somewhat “femme”
25. Are you currently in a primary relationship? No
Please answer the following questions only if you are currently in a primary relationship:

(I didn’t answer any, but I left the possibilities up here for ya’ll to see.)
26. How long have you been in your current relationship (in years)?

27. Do you live together? Yes No

28. In the last year, about how often did you and your partner have sex? Select One Once a day or more One or more times per week One or more times per month Less than once a month Never

29. How often do you have sex only because your partner wants it? Select One Rarely/never Occasionally Often Mostly/always

30. When you have sex, how often do you start without feeling sexual desire, but then feel desire later, once you “get into it”? Select One Rarely/never Occasionally Often Mostly/always

31. When you and your partner have sex, do you usually orgasm? Yes No

32. When you and your partner have sex, does your partner usually orgasm? Yes No

33. How emotionally satisfying is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

34. How sexually satisfying is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

35. How physically affectionate is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

36. Overall, how satisfying is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

37. How long does a typical sexual encounter with your partner last? Select One less than 10 minutes 10-30 minutes 30-60 minutes More than 1 hour

38. Which of the following sexual activities are likely to occur in a typical sexual encounter with your partner?
Kissing/Deep kissing
Touching, caressing, and rubbing bodies
Touching genitals
Receiving oral sex
Giving oral sex
Penis in vagina
Penis in rectum
Finger(s) in vagina
Finger(s) in rectum
Use of dildos, vibrators, other sex toys
Spanking
Bondage
Other BDSM
Other

39. During this relationship, have you had outside sexual partners? Yes No
If yes, pick one: Female Male Both
If yes, did your partner know about and agree to this outside sex? Yes No

40. How many children live in your household, if any?

————————————————————————–
I found this at: http://www.ipgcounseling.com/survey.html I encourage women to go take it.

Amazing response.

I just turned someone down for a date. His response:
“I’m sorry, but not surprised, to hear that you are busy. I realize it is kind of the last minute, but I thought I’d give it a shot before everyone was wrapped uo in the holidays. I won’t make the offer explicitly again but you have a rain check. Just let me know when you’d like to cash it.”

Nothing pushy or whiny or guilt tripping in that.

If I ever have spare time, he is so getting a call.

titles

I have decided that James is my Daddy-type person. He isn’t my Daddy. That would require negotiations. I can hijack him into the Daddy-type person role without his consent though.

Noah is still my wonderful, patient, long-suffering boyfriend. It is amazing that he is putting up with my shit.

Cabin Fever

I just couldn’t handle staying home anymore last night. So I went out. I went to the poly pool party for a bit. Very few of the usual suspects (you know, the ones I flirt with) were there. I stayed in the pool for about 40 minutes. Then I got out, got dressed and went to a birthday party.

I didn’t have any alcohol. I didn’t do much of anything naughty at all. Well, except for sitting on someone’s lap and making out most of the night. But he got sick with strep on Monday too. We’ve been on antibiotics the same length of time. So I don’t worry about it. Mmmmm yummy kissing. {insert hearts here}

I like my friends.

Now I get to go do workshops. I will continue to sit very still all day though. No feeling pukey or splodey.

Update: cause I feel like it.

uhm, so I’m no longer feeling ubercrappy.

Yay.

But this means I am getting major cabin fever.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I have been such a good girl today. I’ve done a bunch of the homework I have to get done. Yeah know, all this stuff that is due Monday that I should have done like 3 weeks ago but I procrastinated. oops. But yeah. I will turn it in on time. 🙂 Cause I’m slick like that. My lesson plan is almost done. (Dude. You can hit google with “lesson plan” and Inferno and find awesome stuff and then I don’t have to reinvent the wheel. or the lesson plan. Go me.)

I might be semi-naughty and go to the birthday party tonight. But I will be only semi-naughty cause I will sit still and not be overactive and make myself feel icki again.

OhMyGosh

A friend, who is much smarter than me today–well, pretty much any day but especially today, helped me ‘weight’ the questions.

I now have weighted percentages for stuff.

Satyrlovesong: will you marry me? 🙂

More in class doodling

What I’m looking for.

A person who:
Dances or wants to learn how (couple dancing as well as club dancing), likes dressing up, eats omnivorously, hates onions, reads for pleasure, watches little tv, like movies, likes kids and wants to have them, is Dominant, has a sadistic streak, tells silly jokes, rides a motorcycle, is patient, likes bondage, thinks sex is wonderful and should be shared fairly freely, prefers cats to dogs, likes to travel, has a reasonable attitude towards country music, encourages me to cook, has a sweet smile, wants to be my Daddy, can teach me about many new things, thinks 65 is a recommendation not a limit, will sing along with me in the car, likes Disney and Pixar movies, cries during war movies, works hard but knows that a job is not their whole life, wants to talk to me on the phone, understands that I am a Princess, looks good in a kilt, likes being active, likes spending a lazy Sunday in bed, is bloody brilliant, has many practical skills, is generally a happy person, is at least supportive of me believing in God, likes giving massages, is punctual, has high expectations of me, likes sleeping with Ted and Edmund and Nighty-Night, wants to stroke my hair when I’m sick, but mostly… I’m looking for someone to love me.

RANT

If you think I have any reason to want to rant about you lately, you might not want to read this. Because I am going to rant about just about everyone and everything right now. I’ve been holding this all in and it is starting to drive me crazy. Add in the fact that I am ill and feel massively shitty and you have a girl who is just so fucking sick of taking the high road that it is not even funny.

bitch bitch bitch bitch

calendar

I just looked at my calendar and realized I don’t have a free weekend until February 4th/5th.

I’m tired already.

Ok, it isn’t entirely true. I have no idea what I am doing for New Years Eve and Day. But I’m sure something will happen. It isn’t as if that will be a restful weekend.

Not talking.

Today is a no talking day. I can tell already.

My throat hurts. My head is fuzzy. I’m crashing really hard. I feel crappy. I’m tired.

So much to get done today.

I just want to hide in bed from the world.

Today, I want a Daddy. Today– I’m 8.

the cranks are turning

No. I’m not going to post about the current political situation. It sucks. End of story.

Moving on to more important things: personal drama.

“Why do you let what people think about you bother you?” I cannot count the number of times I have been asked that in my life. I am only now beginning to be slightly articulate in my answer, though it is still inadequate. People’s thoughts about me bother me because people matter to me. At the very core of who I am is the belief that people matter. That is a big chunk of why I am going into an inter-personal heavy career. People, and what they think, matter to me. Period. Even when I’m angry at/with them. So I obsess about what is going on in my inter-personal relationships. It is just what I do. That being said, lets get into some rambly, round and about background information so I can hopefully make a point without having to do something silly like, be direct.

I was told earlier today (see, here we get back to the “people matter to me” theme), [paraphrased slightly] “You have such a negative view of yourself that you cannot fathom someone envying you. It’s not that it breaks your head, it is that it just doesn’t enter into your mind. You have a full and complete view of your life and you know about all the bad stuff. So you don’t understand that from the outside, all people can see is that right now your life is really great in ways that lots of other people would like to have.” Hm. Yeah. Although, it does break my head when I try to wrap my brain around people envying me. ” Dear lord–you envy me? Why?” Ok, honestly I have a few things right now at this moment that I can understand how some people might envy me. When I stop and think about it, I envy me. How in the hell did this all come about?! But I’m digressing again. I have a horrible view of myself. Horrible, terrible, awful, no good, very bad view of myself. I think of myself as a mean, spiteful, negative, abrasive person. And I often cry thinking about how much I suck. When I am having days of particularly high self-esteem for me I go back over my actual behavior and notice that I’m not actually mean. I am almost never spiteful (and everyone has moments–I mean geez). I am actually incredibly positive and I am told often that I have good people skills, so there goes abrasive. Which is not to say that I am an easy pill to swallow. I am very sharp. That is the word I like the best to describe myself. I am not soft and warm and fuzzy. But I am affectionate, and loyal, and damn willing to go to the mat for anyone who matters to me. I really love people and I work damn hard on my relationships in general. I spend in fact, too much time and energy on people. Cause they rock. 🙂

So, I’m trying like hell to build up an image of myself that is at least somewhat possitive. This is not an easy climb for me. I’ve already posted at length about “oh poor me and my crappy childhood” so I’m going to leave that record off the player. Suffice to say: we all have our demons to fight. Mine involve low self-esteem and bad self-image and such. I have a pretty spectacular temper to go along with my insecurities and personal baggage. I talked to my best friend Anna yesterday about a recent experience I had with anger. I told her the details and the summation of me feeling really upset. She asked me, “Did you call the person a name or turn and walk away?” “I walked away.” “Uh oh… that means you were really really really angry.” yup. Basically. When I pass a certain level of being irritated into being angry, I need to walk away. I need to or I will do physical damage to the person I am angry with. It is much better for everyone in the whole wide world for me to just walk away. It is taking the high road. It is being an adult and dealing with my emotions on my own and not making them anyone else’s problem. The thing is: I get angry. Then I walk away. And I fume. And I bluster to myself (sometimes to other people depending on the situation). Then, I calm down. Then, I realize I’m being kinda stupid. Then, I come back and say… “Uhm… yeah. This situation isn’t so good. Can we fix it?” Most of the time, I don’t sound terribly contrite when I do it, cause I’m still kinda blustery (and also there is that “sharp” thing) but I’m not one for saying things I don’t mean. I just don’t do social niceties well. If I say I’m sorry–I really mean it. If I say I want to fix something–I mean it. The problem is, sometimes I probably need to be told, “You say ‘Can we fix it’ but you sound like ‘You bitch it is all your fault and you should kiss my ass.’ and that isn’t ok.” Cause I probably do sound like that. It isn’t anyone else’s problem or responsibility to tell me this, but I’m human and I don’t do everything perfectly and being told that I’m screwing up helps me to try and make progress. Cause I realy do want to make progress.

I have my baggage. Unfortunately though, big chunks of them look like trash bags–so other people don’t recognize them as baggage. They think I am just taking out the trash and no big deal. No, actually, I keep that baggage. I don’t know how to let it go. So this means that sometimes, someone will come along and kick a piece of my baggage, thinking that they are just clearing a walkway. But no, you bastard! You kicked my baggage! And I get upset. And I try to walk away and calm down. Sometimes, I don’t do this in the most reasonable way. I really really really suck at saying in the moment, “I just need to calm down and I will talk to you later.” Because I will calm down. I’m pretty remarkable like that. I get over things fairly easily actually. I hold very few grudges. Although when I do, I am freakin psycho about it. Don’t even bring up Erin Stagnero. Fucking bitch.

But anyway. Yeah. I deal with shit. I move on. Just ask Yani. I was mad at her about something I didn’t know how to talk to her about. So I kind of disappeared for a bit. Then, like a bad penny, I turned up. Saying, “Hey, I know I suck and everything–but do you still have any interest in being my friend?” Sometimes it doesn’t happen as rapidly as people would like, but it happens. I am very serious in my loyalties. Very Serious. Once I have decided that someone matters, they matter no matter what. Even if I get mad at them sometimes. I take people into my heart, and they are stuck. They have to push me away really really hard before I will go away. Jenny didn’t manage to get rid of me. I kept after her, and now… years later… I live with her! Awesome. And to think, we didn’t talk much for five years. Didn’t matter. I still loved her. I do that. I love people.

There was more I wanted to say. But in reviewing the post, it doesn’t seem like a good idea. Discretion is the better part of valor and such. *sigh* I fucking hate that.