If you think I have any reason to want to rant about you lately, you might not want to read this. Because I am going to rant about just about everyone and everything right now. I’ve been holding this all in and it is starting to drive me crazy. Add in the fact that I am ill and feel massively shitty and you have a girl who is just so fucking sick of taking the high road that it is not even funny.

Lets start with the boys, shall we? First: we have Noah. Who decided in his head within a few weeks of meeting me that “I was a kind of girl he wanted in his life” so he proceeded to “make room” for me and basically expect me to fill the niche he wanted me to. I’ve tried my hardest. I really have. But I am not the flavor of submissive girl he wants. He is irritated at my “pretentious” descriptions of him being vanilla. Well, in my view of things there are people who like to do a little bit of kinky stuff while fucking and then there are perverts. Perverts are very happy to do the kinky stuff at significant length and it is enough without sex ever being involved. If sex is the point, it just changes the dynamic. So Noah—if it bothers you so much, stop fucking dating me. Then there is the kids stuff. This is a whole kettle of worms that is about to drive me up a wall. Just because I am a kinky/poly girl who wants to have kids does not make me the right girl for you to do so with. There are so many things about the dynamic as it stands that don’t work for me and I am increasingly feeling bad about just saying that. I will never bring children into the world in a situation where they are anything other than 100% wanted and loved. Period. Right now, the dynamic that exists—would not be that way. So as far as I’m concerned, it is a non-topic. Yet it still comes up pretty much every other day. Poly family. I really think this is an amazing concept, and I think it could work in the right situations. I think there are too many things right now that don’t work though. Including just the basics of, I like and need a fairly extended network and the other people don’t want such a large circle. This is a problem. Not to mention that I’m not actually sure I am enough of a free love hippie chick to want to share my entire life that way. Maybe I want my fucking primary. Maybe I want to have one person who picks me above anyone else. Having to negotiate everything all the time and check in with an extended calendar system is a pain in the fucking ass. And jesus Noah. Sometimes, I can’t wade through the quantity of emails you send. I know you mean well. But I don’t have the mental bandwidth left. Grad school is killing me and the drama in my personal life is causing me physical pain. (Why am I sick for the second time in a month? I almost never get sick. This has got to be psychosomatic.) When you push me constantly for more fucking dialogue, sometimes I want to just make something up to get you to go away. This is too much stress for me right now.

James. This is all sorts of complicated. I want to be with him. I don’t know why I want it so bad. So much of him appeals to me. Yeah, but he’s messy. And I’m messy. And it looks like he may decide this isn’t worth it. Yeah. Fine then. In the mean time: I had a shitty night last night. I had a bad weekend for a variety of reasons and I was feeling really self-destructive. Yeah, since I’m being Miss More Than You Want To Hear, a big chunk of the feeling bad was feeling rejected by James in several very specific ways. Then some asshole stuck his fingers in my cunt and tried to make me give him a blow job while I was getting a massage from someone else. I had all sorts of reasons to feel not safe or happy this weekend. Then Tom and I closed our joint checking account. Could that period of time getting any more craptastic? So anyway. I felt like shit last night and I wanted to hurt myself really badly. Someone happened to be online and was talking to me. He’s J (not Berkeley boy) and he is dating L. L is a woman that James has been madly in love with for a while and she stopped dating James and immediately went on to J. So James felt insecure and upset about me spending the night with J. Instead of talking to me about it, he talked to L about it and made plans to spend tonight with her. (I doubt over night.) But I found out about this when J IM’ed me after I woke up from a nap (I wake up incredibly grumpy from naps) and told me, “James and L are upset with both of us and are getting together tonight to figure out how to deal with it.” Excuse the fuck out of me. So I leave a less than pleased message on James’ voicemail and he eventually calls me back. We talk for a while and he managed to feel better. I was ok when we got off the phone, but I’m getting angry again. He told me that he didn’t want to feel like he was controlling me in order to be happy with me (I offered him a veto of me hanging out with J and he turned it down) my response is that he would rather just get mad at me when I don’t read his mind properly and avoid the people he wants me to avoid. I told J that I can’t spend time with him even as a friend and he wanted to know why. I didn’t feel it was my place to tell him all the background drama so I didn’t. His response was, “So you can’t have anything to do with me, but it isn’t about you and it isn’t about me. This is fucking irritating.” Yeah, actually… it is. I feel like shit for doing it and saying it to J because he doesn’t deserve this treatment. But you know what, I love James. So I’m going to deal with it. I feel kind of like a moron. I feel like I am going to bend over backwards and resolve to live with not getting a lot of things I want (D/s outside the bedroom) because I just generally like him so much and so many things about him fit well with most things that I want. I don’t know how to deal with this.

Lets move on to other people I want to rant about. Oh yeah, I’m talking about you. Whoever you are.

I had a situation arise at Gaskell’s. I haven’t talked about it much because that smells like drama and I dislike drama. But you know what, I’m pissed off. If someone tells me I look like a whore, it is not unreasonable for me to be upset. It is more than acceptable for me to walk away rather than get into an unpleasant scene over it. It is unacceptable for someone to physically accost me and tell me that I have to accept their apology when I try to walk away later in the evening because I’m not ready to talk yet. I was told on the phone later, “Where I come from you accept an apology when it is offered.” Yeah? Well, where I come from if someone grabs you against your will you are entitled to break their nose. I obviously have overcome my roots and I suggest you do the same. Not everyone is going to play by your rules and you need to fucking suck it up. Oh, speaking of calling later. I called to try and resolve the situation and was told, “I can’t deal with someone who flies off the handle all the time and isn’t rational and gets angry with me for every word I say. So I just want to have nothing to do with you.” Suits me just fine. Because quite frankly, if anyone flies off the handle and is irrational, it is you.

Tom has played with someone that I am unhappy about. After the things he said about her to me, I can’t fucking believe he went there.

And fucking Sara can quite calling our apartment a dump.

Just for the record. Nobody ask me out on a date anytime in the near future.

I am not going to deal with anymore shit.

/fume