I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Self destructive behavior number one. Check.
Self destructive behavior number two. Check.
I’m drinking and cutting. What a winning combination. I feel more suicidal tonight than I have felt in a very long time.
I don’t know how to deal with things. I feel like I’m failing. I tried to keep the stupid drama with Rachel at least mostly out of my lj, now I’ve started acting like an immature child. I don’t know how to handle the situation. The two of us seem to be unable to communicate. And the thing is, at this point, she has made it clear that she just doesn’t like me. So I don’t care anymore about trying to fix it. I’m not going to try and make anyone like me. I know that I’m a pain in the ass and hard to take. I just kind of wish that when someone disliked me they could just dislike me and let it go at that. I feel like it is my responsibility to fix it though just because I want to make Jenny happy. I fear that I will be unable to actually make Jenny happy and I will make myself completely miserable in the process of trying.
Now I’m not looking forward to Christmas pretty much at all. I had been looking forward to Christmas with Noah and Raven and whatever extended (chosen) family we included. But I fucked that up. And Noah feels hurt, which he has every right to. He is still being supportive of me as I’m having a bad night. I really don’t deserve him. I’m sure Raven is upset with me though I haven’t talked to her yet. I didn’t just break up with him. And I did it without talking to her or including her and it was horrible of me. I feel so trapped and scared. I can’t explain why I broke up with him. It was like a scared little kid reaction to I don’t know what.
I’m feeling like I’m a bad person who is hurting everyone around me. I don’t understand why anyone wants to know me at all. Right now I wish I could just disappear.
Your feelings are valid. However, you are responsible for your actions. You need to do the right thing even if other people do not. If you follow that, things will eventually work themselves out. It may take some time. The high road is always longer but the result is sweeter. Be good. Be patient.
Hey – take the time you need to figure it out. I’ll keep trying to keep Raven from overreacting (sorry, dear, but you know it’s true at times…). And I’ll sit back and keep living life roughly the way I usually do.
If you decide later you made a terrible mistake, come talk to me. To be honest, I doubt you’ll wind up feeling that way. But hey, I’ll leave the door open for you 🙂
And yeah, I won’t claim that I felt no hurt, and I won’t claim that there’s nothing wrong. But you’re doing what you need to do, and you *do* need to do it. You’re under too much stress, and not dealing with me for awhile helps that.
So do it. There’s a reason I’m supportive (well, okay, several, but bear with me). It’s because you’re doing the right thing for yourself. That’s what you *should* do. Keep at it.
I react very forcibly to many things in life. Specifically, to relationships and people? Yes, I react forcibly. But I try to keep those reactions, and in fact most of my process of it, private or between myself and chosen confidants.
I allow myself to react as I will in privacy and confidence, then when I start *thinking* again, I decide how I will procede.
If you think I overreact, I can live with that. And you’re welcome to call me on it in private. But I rather you didn’t do so in public, please.
I feel like it is my responsibility to fix it though
Other people’s fucked-up issues are not your problem.
::hugs::
Okay, first thing. That’s one of my favorite songs. The version by Johnny Cash brings tears to my eyes and is what I play when I am down.
Second, you are going to have a hard time making someone else happy if you aren’t already so. If Rachel doesn’t like you, she doesn’t like you. More important is that YOU like you. I like you. I even think you are pretty remarkable and likeable. But, even that means little if YOU don’t like you. So, you are hard to take, adn may even be a pain in the ass. I have lots of good friends who are serious pains in the ass and hard for me to take, but I love them for who they are. Even when I want to smack them. Noncensensually.
IS Jenny’s happiness dependent on your getting along with Rachel? If so, why not just be civil. Not nice. Civil. And maybe ask Jenny how
And as for Christmas, I know of lots of fun Christmassy things going on, including the present orgy with my sons that you are welcome to come to when they are here. It’s a great deal of silliness and paper. And we tend to eat too much and laugh to hard, so your tummy may hurt. But, you are welcome.
correction
“IS Jenny’s happiness dependent on your getting along with Rachel? If so, why not just be civil. Not nice. Civil. And maybe ask Jenny how”
Was cut off. The rest is: how she would like things to go with yo and Rachel for her to be happy and for her to be okay. She can let you know what she needs, hopefully.
Re: correction
Miss Jenny (and it’s Jennifer btw) has not asked Miss Krissy or Miss Rachel to make amends and she has not placed any presure, overt or covert, on Miss Krissy or Miss Rachel to get along. Yes, she would like them to be friends because they’re both very important people in her life, but she knows that that isn’t always possible. She thinks they’re both over-reacting and taking every possible interaction in the worst possible way it can be inturpreted (she’s often shocked at what they read into things). But she only says so when heropinion is solisited. And yes, complaining in her hearing/reading about the other person is solisiting her opinion 🙂
Oh, and it would never occure to her to -expect- them to behave civily towards someone they don’t like because it would never occure to her that they might behave differently. One doesn’t have to be warm to be polite.
“you need to start letting other people take responsibility for their own feelings.” Remember who said that?
*hugs* feel better chica, and remember, if worst come to worst… dance.
Uhm, who said that?
You did. To me. In the Boxter on the way home from Truckee faire.
I was afraid you would say that.
Doesn’t it stink when your own wisdom is quoted back at you? *wink*
I love you, sweetie. You don’t hurt me. I’m glad to know you and would be quite sad if you disappeared.
What you decide to do with your relationship with Noah is your call. That will, of course affect your relationship to me, as we don’t have interaction that is unaffected by that dynamic.
Yes, you’ve left me in the lurch, in more ways than one. But in the midst of my apparent overreacting, I’m nonetheless well aware that I’m not really the person you most need to be concerned about right now.