2004

So I’m going to the FNW NYE ball and then running off to… http://www.clubslick.com/debaucherama

So… clothing is an interesting choice. I have no real idea what I’m going to wear. hmmm

Any input?

Oh: the leather ballgown I got for my birthday. Way big. Dude. Lost too much weight doing Fezzi’s.

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
George Bernard Shaw

I have had an interesting couple of days.

Good time alone with James. We managed to have our first, “Krissy freaks out during sex” episodes and he got to find out what dating a crazy woman means. *sigh* It lead to me saying things to him that hurt him. It lead to really good conversation and bonding. Necessary stuff. I was way happy about it.

And I had a 27 hour or so date with Duck Boy. It was very interesting. (Yeah. I didn’t go to the Plough cause I was leaning over to put socks on and slammed my forehead into a corner in my room and spent a while crying and not feeling like seeing anyone. Wow I’m a big dork.) Instead I was mellow and stayed around the house. He has more potential than I originally thought. Hm. Very interesting.

Oh, he’s Duck Boy because he runs http://www.allaboutfrank.com. Totally silly. Right up my alley.

I’m… doing alright. Life is plodding along. I get to run off to dinner with a friend and his kids. Should be good.

Rob says:
“Marilynne Robinson published her first novel, Housekeeping, in 1982. It was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, and an influential critic called it one of the ten best novels of the twentieth century. This November, 22 years later, Robinson came out with her second work of fiction, Gilead. “Writing is like praying,” she told Carin Besser in The New Yorker Online. “In both, if they are to be authentic, grace and truth must discipline thought.” I nominate Robinson to be your patron saint in 2005, Virgo. May she inspire you to produce another gem like the one you did some years ago. May her example give you the faith to work as slowly as you need to in order to remain impeccable, allowing grace and truth to discipline your thought.”

I think that book is singularly odd. I read it for a class term before last. Grace and truth. I don’t know that I have a whole lot of grace going for me. Truth is not a problem.

Though I did have a bad situation this weekend in which I did not speak my truth. I was uncomfortable with a situation and I didn’t ask the person to stop. So I can’t be upset with him for not stopping. I’m upset with me for not thinking I am worth enough; for not being willing to say ‘no’ when I didn’t want something. I feel dirty and stupid. I guess I do have a problem with truth. At least in as far as I don’t seem to be able to stand up for me.

I went out on a date. A spontaneous one.

Duck boy came to visit me!

He’s really sweet. I don’t think he is going to be toppy at all. *sigh*

Back to the drawing board.

So I put up an ad. I got some stupid responses. I got three potentially interesting ones.

The first one: the guy lives in Hawaii. So really cool, but not cool enough.

Second: He wants to relocate to DC in about a year. So not cool with that.

Third: Duck Boy. We’ve been chating a lot in the past few days. Seems…… interesting. My speed and such. We’ll see.

You know what…

I don’t feel like writing a dirty entry. I just don’t have it in me. I’m not in the mood.

I will tell you all that I’m in Portland. It has been an interesting trip. I would say it has been a trip full of up’s and down’s, but for my loyal readers that would be like saying, “You know what… I breathed today!” So yeah. No triteness from me. 😀 Being in Portland without Tom is very hard. I have never been here without him before. I sucked it up earlier today and did a little bit of downtown all by myself. I would have done more, but I was carrying a huge bag of goodness from Bridgett and walking was a pain. 🙂 I have frilly lacy underthings! Yay!

Good points about the trip so far:
Getting to actually talk to Bridgett and her partner. I continue to think she is amazing and I now have a small glimpse of why she adores her partner so much. He is really sweet. He tucked me in. I woke up just enough to notice. I almost started crying it felt so very nice. Meeting some of their friends was similarly really awesome.

Learning that I have very strong feelings about how road trips should be done. Uhm. Good to know that I feel so strongly about it.

Meeting cute boy from tribe! So going to see him again…. And his girlfriend is way dreamy. *sigh*

I found a really fun Christmas present for Miss Que Linda. 🙂 Yayness.

Seeing Dad and Francesca. Getting to feel bond time with Francesca.

Email from Monk sounding disappointed that he won’t see me anytime soon. That was a nice ego stroke.

I ended up in Portland instead of Seattle.

Long story.

Off to explore by myself for the first time ever. I’ve been coming here for years and I’ve never been here alone. Very odd.

Wonderful night last night. I’m grateful for good people.

If anyone is in Portland-call me. I’m sure you can get a hold of my #.

Strike that. Reverse it.

So:

Want to blog! Had a good weekend! Saturday was mellow. No Dickens. No Gaskells. Instead party with James. Will tell all about first play experience together later. (Maybe… I could forget. May require poking.)

Sunday: HOLY COW it was a good day. Good conversation to start the day off with really sweet girl I am very happy to know now. Much much much much good flirting towards the end of the day. *swoon* {Dude. I was offered a handjob in exchange for a ride. I was very amused.} I did the last Congress of the day with Mr Copperfield. *drool* Uhm. Must. Dance. With. Boy. Again. oooooh Uhm. and a certain other boy…. uhm…. he can stay. I may not let him get on a plane to go back to New York. *Gasp*

Good day.

Today: must clean room (no other time available between now and Christmas Eve get together! Ack!), must do strike for Fezzis, must go to San Jose and give gifts to ungrateful relatives, must go to Plough, must drive to Davis. For those of you who don’t know distances–THAT’s A LOT OF FREAKIN DRIVING. I’m irritated. Why do all of my commitments need to spread from here to kingdom come? *sigh*

Tomorrow: Drive to Seattle. How exciting. See old friend. Yay!
Wednesday: Shuffle between Seattle friends all day. Yay!
Thursday: Drive home. 🙂
Friday: See chosen family and bake cookies. 🙂
Saturday: collapse. Maybe go see Mommy and Sissy. haven’t decided yet.

When will I blog?!

You guys really need to hear all the juicy, nasty, wonderful details of the sex and play I’ve had in the last few days. Talk about porn. 😀 James can stay. (There is totally going to be an XXX rated posting as soon as I can manage it. I may get horribly, terribly graphic. I can’t wait.)

Miss Jenny got her Christmas present early.

I dragged my sorry, sick butt out of bed and stood in line so that she can have a damn Tivo.

Merry Christmas.

*hack* *cough* *sniffle*

(I need an icon for ‘sick’)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Krissy
2. Lenora
3. Kristine

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE:
1. boot_slut
2. Justine
3. k_l_archer

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I am intelligent.
2. How quickly I read.
3. That I am determined enough to get done what needs to get done.

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. That I am so unstable. 🙁
2. That I am so insecure.
3. I am overly sensitive.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. German
2. Irish
3. Redneck

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Ants
2. Being alone.
3. The thought that some day I will get bad enough to actually do myself permanent damage.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. The internet.
2. Toothbrush
3. Some sort of human contact.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. fuzzy slippers.
2. sweat pants.
3. Thunder in the Mountains 2001 t-shirt

THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
I don’t have a desk…

THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
1. YAY!!
2. Dude! Wussup!
3.Hey now.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/MUSICAL ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
1. Gaelic Storm
2. Pink
3. Rascal Faltts

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
1. “I’m moving on”- Rascal Flatts.
2. “She was the prize”- Gaelic Storm
3. “All that heaven will allow”- Mavericks

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Going two weeks without sex and being ok with it. No desperation or trying to fill “the void.”
2. Traveling alone and being happy about it.
3. I’m thinking about trying Burning Man.

THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:
1. Miss Jenny
2. Some sort of communication with James.
3. (I looked at my calendar. I actually don’t spend much time with anyone. 🙁 )

THREE REASONS YOU’VE BROKEN UP WITH EXES:
1. He slapped me.
2. It was the wrong time in our lives for us to be together. Neither of us were ready.
3. There was no spark.
(I picked three people that none of you have known. So :P)

THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Honesty
2. A desire for our lives to move in the same direction.
3. D/s

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I have hurt many people.
2. My father and brother are dead.
3. It is my fault.
(Wow, I’m being quite cheerful this morning.)

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSTE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Strength of character- i.e. honor, truthfulness, desire to stand up for oneself.
2. A quirky smile. Nothing melts me faster than a sweet smile that is very individual.
3. Intelligence (what is my thing for engineers?!)

THREE THINGS YOU CAN’T DO:
1. Hula hoop
2. Turn back the clock.
3. Fix my printers. *sigh*

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. Dancing. Whatever style- I’m not that picky.
2. Spending time with friends.
3. Traveling with someone I like.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
1. To not hurt anymore.
2. A chemise and bloomers of my very own.
3. To be done with the MA program.

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
1. Teacher
2. no idea
3. I guess I’m boring

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO:
1. Italy
2. Disney World
3. NYC
(I left off currently planned trips.)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Raise children.
2. Live abroad.
3. Own my own home.

So Tom and I leave for Ireland in 22 days. I need to look up the time and such.

This is going to be incredibly weird. I saw him twice this weekend and both times lead to crying. I miss him so much I ache inside. When I think about him at all my whole body wants to convulse. I was with him for a long time. I was so very happy with him in so many ways. There were problems. I’ve been going back and reading my g-blog to remind myself that there were big problems. I’m finding myself wearing rosey glasses when I think of him.

I don’t know how we will behave on this trip. I don’t know what to expect. I have no idea what his ‘rules’ will be by that time with his new partner. I strongly suspect that I will want to live in fantasy land for a week pretending that nothing bad ever happened. We never broke up. That I have never had to feel this agony of being away from him. It isn’t healthy. It isn’t positive. I don’t know how to just be his friend though. I love him so much.

This weekend at the party he and I talked about the Ireland trip. He told me how excited he is about getting to go with me. He didn’t say he was excited about going. He said he was excited about going with me. We talked in a very animated fashion about it and then he leaned in to kiss me. It about broke my heart, but I turned my head and told him that it wasn’t a good idea to do that. His girlfriend was looking at the floor seeming very unhappy. I don’t want to be the reason anything gets in the way of him moving on with his life. And at the flea he was very chatty and affectionate. It was so hard to be the one to tell him that I would leave them to their wandering. I didn’t want to walk away from him. I felt like I was dying inside. I don’t know how to “get over” him. I have loved him with every part of me for so long.

I miss being the One. I miss being his One. Right now I feel like filler. I’m not that important to anyone in any way.

god this hurts.

Yeah, cause only some of you want to see this.

The only way I got through last night of meeting Tom’s girlfriend was I got high. A few friends are pot heads and they’ve been offering me pot for years. I finally took them up on it. When I first walked outside to talk to them I burst into tears. I sobbed for like five minutes after meeting Tom’s new girl. She really is gorgeous. She has a body to die for. 🙁 I couldn’t pull off a dress like that. I’m really glad I didn’t half ass ‘dress’ for the party. If I would have gone full out I would have been ok, or staying in Dickens stuff was ok.

I’m not sure how I feel about starting to depend more on chemicals, but I ended up having fun last night when I didn’t think I would. I’m ok with that.

Last night I did something that scared the ever-lovin-shit out of me. I went to the second Saturday party that I’ve been going to forever and ever. Well, at least since I was 18. 🙂 Tom had his new girl. I knew he would be bringing his new girl. She is prettier than me. 🙁 And she seems very nice. I didn’t really talk to her, but I thought I was doing well to even smile at her last night. I know I should be glad that he got to trade up, but it is hard.

I managed to keep it together for the two hours I was there. A friend asked me to play. There was just no way. It is going to be very hard to be happy and supportive of his new relationship, but damnit. I’ll manage. I love him very much and I want him to be happy. If she will make him happy, then that is what he should be doing right now.

He told me how much he has been looking forward to our Ireland trip together. We leave in 24 days. Oh my God that is soon. By the time we leave we will have been broken up for almost 5 months. That is a while. It is going to be very odd. I wonder how we will interact on the trip. I miss him so much. It will be hard to be at all distant during the trip.

He wants me to bring both Ted and Edmund along on the trip. He was very amused when I got excited about being able to bring more than just a backpack. Ok, so I was being a retard. Oh well.

After months of having as much sex as I could possibly have and basically no sm play… dude. Now I have had so many offers of sm play for the next few weeks that it is blowing my mind. The sex is slowing down to a trickle. I’m almost being monogamous. Dude. Have to fix that.

I have missed sm. I still don’t really have any D/s and I’m trying to be ok with that.

I lent someone the book: Boundaries: Where you end and I begin.

I have no idea who. Can someone please speak up and/or give it back?

*beeeep*

These are the final overall grades for the kids for the unit:

87.75
66.65
72.55
79.7
83.85
60.65
66.95
81.9
88.45
82.4
84.2
92.55
90.15
94.45
78.95
46.95
89.85
87.15
92.9
84.6
69.55
72.55
86.85
78.15
90.9
92.1
81.1
96.15
91.35
86.15
85
87.1
88.85

The one really bad grade is the kid who didn’t turn in an essay (40% of the grade).

So, Miss Jenny would like an ipod or a digital camera for Christmas. I’m on the poor side so I can’t just pony up to either gift. Would anyone like to go in with me?

*snuggles*

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/jealousy.html