So Tom and I leave for Ireland in 22 days. I need to look up the time and such.
This is going to be incredibly weird. I saw him twice this weekend and both times lead to crying. I miss him so much I ache inside. When I think about him at all my whole body wants to convulse. I was with him for a long time. I was so very happy with him in so many ways. There were problems. I’ve been going back and reading my g-blog to remind myself that there were big problems. I’m finding myself wearing rosey glasses when I think of him.
I don’t know how we will behave on this trip. I don’t know what to expect. I have no idea what his ‘rules’ will be by that time with his new partner. I strongly suspect that I will want to live in fantasy land for a week pretending that nothing bad ever happened. We never broke up. That I have never had to feel this agony of being away from him. It isn’t healthy. It isn’t positive. I don’t know how to just be his friend though. I love him so much.
This weekend at the party he and I talked about the Ireland trip. He told me how excited he is about getting to go with me. He didn’t say he was excited about going. He said he was excited about going with me. We talked in a very animated fashion about it and then he leaned in to kiss me. It about broke my heart, but I turned my head and told him that it wasn’t a good idea to do that. His girlfriend was looking at the floor seeming very unhappy. I don’t want to be the reason anything gets in the way of him moving on with his life. And at the flea he was very chatty and affectionate. It was so hard to be the one to tell him that I would leave them to their wandering. I didn’t want to walk away from him. I felt like I was dying inside. I don’t know how to “get over” him. I have loved him with every part of me for so long.
I miss being the One. I miss being his One. Right now I feel like filler. I’m not that important to anyone in any way.
god this hurts.
I’m so sorry.
Yes, the disillusionment probably hurts the worst and you will get over it. It will take a while though, and you have every right to grieve as you go through the process of self discovery and self mastery.
I think that one of the hardest parts of breaking up for me to learn was that sometimes it can be a gradual process, particularly for someone you really care deeply about. You can’t just turn off the feelings because they are inappropriate or unhealthy. You have to do the best you can, but sometimes you will backslide.
If you do, don’t beat yourself up over it. Sometimes it is necessary for closure. I imagine that your housemate may have some good insight on that, actually.
I’m not that important to anyone in any way.
You know this isn’t true. You knew it while you were typing it, but it still felt true so you finished your sentence.
I know exactly how that feels.
I, too, get emotions so big I think I’m going to drown in them. It’s worth checking on all the “other” stuff (have you slept? have you eaten? are you in chronic physical pain?) just so you can know that what you’re feeling really *is* just pure emotion. And then go with it. Feel it. Remember with your brain that it’s temporary, ’cause you sure won’t remember it with your gut. Your gut only knows “now”.
I left someone who meant the world and more to me, and I thought I was going to die. It was so bad I allowed my cat to get seriously ill because I wasn’t noticing anything around me, really. And now that person *is* one of my best friends, someone I can count on for the rotten stuff and it’s mutual you betcha.
We got from there to here, but it was NOT a fast process. Know that it’s possible, but it won’t be this year. Maybe by this time next year? I know that sounds like forever, but it’s not really.
(I hope you’ve got time blocked into your vacation for exploring *alone*.)
This trip is going to be a bit hard at times. Possibly really hard. No bones about that.
When I broke up with T-my-T the first time, the time that didn’t take, I flew back to PA to do it, pack up my possessions to ship to Stanford, and we went to Maine together for little more than a week. We had already planned the trip, and I wanted to go. I sure as hell didn’t want to sit around alone in a half-packed apartment in Pittsburgh and cry about things. We backslid a bit, we were sharing a bed anyway. It was tough–and I did cry, more than once–but I’m glad we had that time together to really bring home how much we could still enjoy each other’s company, in spite of everything we were we feeling.
I can’t remember which friend told me then that it doesn’t take time to get over things–time is just what happens to pass while one is doing the work to get over them. Going with him on this trip may give you the necessary experiences to get further along the path of “getting over” him. Maybe it will give you a chance to explore what your future relationship might be like…will you be able to laugh together naturally again? Will you choose to be social together? Will it be good?
He loves you. Of course he’s excited about getting to spend time with you.
*hugs and love*
you matter.
Um, this trip sounds like a really, really bad idea.
OK, since she said it first. Yeah. This trip sounds insane if you plan on staying broken up. If you are looking for a reason to give things another try, carry on. But if you’re trying to get away from feeling conflicted and in want of Tom, you’re walking the wrong direction.
It would cause Tom a lot of pain for me to back out now. The trip is a done thing.
It would cause Tom a lot of pain for me to back out now
Um, hello? You two broke up. He has a girlfriend. It will cause him pain to not go on an international vacation with his ex-girlfriend when everybody’s feelings are still raw?
His girlfriend must be hella mellow, by the way.
The trip has been planned and paid for and arranged for months. I’m not going to be rude and throw a bitch fest now.
I don’t know if she is mellow or not. She hasn’t spoken to me yet.
Okay, so the problem is that he’d lose money?
There’s nothing about throwing a bitchfest. You could, after all, calmly tell him that he’s a great guy but you’re not sure it’s a good idea to go on with an international vacation you planned when you were a couple, now that you are not a couple and he has a girlfriend.
Are you sure Tom is the one who would be crushed if you don’t go?