I make a big deal out of not having secrets. I talk about it. I emphasize it. Yet… I like my lj because it has filters. Why? Am I a hypocrite?
I hide things too. I haven’t told anyone that I have been cutting a lot lately. I am remarkably good at hiding it. I have years of practice.
I have been hurting myself in a myriad of ways lately. I’m not coping with life well.
I had a long chat with my brother yesterday. He said he cares about me. He told me things that I have wanted my big brother to tell me for my entire life. It was really hard and scary to tell him about trying drugs. It was scary to tell him how much I have been drinking. It was hard to tell him that I am cutting again. I told him how suicidal I am. He told me how suicidal he still is; even with how wonderful his life is–he still wants to die. We discussed how fucked up our parents made us. I found out that he doesn’t know much about the sexual abuse I went through. I heard some of the stories that our father told him about me. Really fucked up.
I’m scared to talk about the things that go through my head. But if I am going to be so fucking sanctimonious about secrets, maybe I shouldn’t have any.
Now I need to freakin finish packing.
Much of that which made my own childhood twisted came from my mother’s overexposure to Catholic nuns at boarding school. Some of those memes really fuck people up.
Eh. You have secrets, you just don’t like or trust secrets.
I sympathize. I’d be a hypocrite if I claimed I wasn’t similar.
Secrets
Secrets are pieces of information that we attach power to. It’s my opinion that it’s best not to have too many if you can help it.
That being said, not everyone needs to know everything about you, and depending on the -kind- of secret, there are too many people who will use the power contained in it to harm you, damage you in the eyes of others, or use to advantage over you.
It’s only common sense to protect yourself from that as much as you can, and that does not make you a hypocrite in any way.
This is why we have secrets, because not all people can be trusted with information that carries power.
Re: Secrets
Well, that is why I don’t like secrets. Because if pepole know them, they have power over you. If you live your life completely in the open (our friend Matisse comes to mind) there is nothing that anyone can hold over your head.
I feel that if I am doing something, I should be willing to talk about it in public or I shouldn’t be doing it. I have been breaking that recenly and I feel really bad about it.
If I weren’t doing anything to be ashamed of, I would have nothing to be ashamed of though. 🙁
Re: Secrets
My dear friend Matisse is very good at creating the illusion that she lives her life completely in the open. She certainly does so more than many. But she still has walls that very few people can see around or get through, and I don’t think she really tries to keep that a secret either.
Everybody has them. But you are right, the fewer secrets that you have about who you are and what and why you do, the more difficult you make it for anyone to use them against you.
Re: Secrets
It isn’t that I think she actually has nothing that she keeps private, but near as my conversations with her have indicated over the years, there is nothing that people can hold over her head. Which is different to me than keeping “secrets.” People may not actually know everything about her… but it is of a different quality.
Re: Secrets
There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy. If you were never taught healthy boundaries, it’s no surprise that you have trouble with the difference. (That’s not a criticism.)
Re: Secrets
It took me a long time to understand the difference between the two, and I still have a hard time emotionally grasping it. The summarization my therapist used that I try to keep in mind is approximately: Private things are things that belong only to you, and don’t concern anybody else. Secrets are things that affect others. Secrets often do harm, whether or not they ever come out, because they inhibit open communication. Privacy affects only yourself.
Sweetie, please don’t be so hard on yourself. Breaking up with Tom is a major change in your life. You were with him for a very long time and you are bound to be a bit shakey, going back to some old behaviors that may not be the best way to cope but are comfortable and familiar to you. When I was 24, I broke up with a guy who I had been with for 4 years. It was the best decision that I could make but I still made some very bad choices when I was in the midst of it all. No one is perfect. You are trying your best in a situation that is new to you. On another note, be good to yourself if you can. I love you sweetie!
I love you too.
Year after I broke up with the fiance, I slept with more men than I had in the 10 years previous, Yours truely who doesn’t drink pretty much at all got drunk more than a few times, etc. I’m not sure WHY we do this sort of stuff to ourselves, maybe its part of a healing process. But the honesty with which you face yourself, even if there is a slight lag, is part of why I’m sure you’ll be fine in the end.
I agree with Japlady
Eh, secrets aren’t necesarily a bad thing. Hell, I have tons of secrets! I love them, I revel in them! Could people discredit me with them? Hell yes! Could they hurt me with them? Infinitely. See, I think that there are many things in this world that are a “need to know” basis, and it’s much easier to tell someone something when you think they need it than make them forget it when they really don’t. It’s all a matter of lifestyle, though, which means what works for me might not work for you. Conversely, there is no rule that means you need to adhere to any philosophy 100%, all the time, forever. As they say “those rules are more, shall we say, ‘guidelines’.” G’luck!
As before:
If you ever need to talk, feel free to call me. Or email. Or im…
hugs…
stay with us, I really like the you I am beginning to get to know.
I don’t think that lj filters necessarily equal secrets as much as privacy. Filters allow for conversations with a smaller group. It isn’t always about hiding something so much as not updating all of cyberspace on events in our lives. Everybody doesn’t have to know everything in order for you to be considered (or consider yourself) honest and open.
Most of us have similar filters in real life. Coworkers get to hear a different set of things than friends or family. Not because I’m hiding things, but there are aspects that given groups don’t really care about or need to know when interacting with me.
I’m starting to realize that everyone’s afraid, no matter their baggage or background. Everyone has thier shadow voice in the dark. Opening everything up in order to keep anyone from holding things over you deals with one kind of fear. I think the reptile brain will just create new ones because fear is, basically, a survival trait. Not that knowing that makes is suck any less.
Hang in there. We hold on to old coping mechanisms because they worked in some way, however self-destructive they ultimately are. But the strength of the human animal is adaptability.
Something I just read today that struck a chord (paraphrased): Nobody becomes successful by fixing their weaknesses, only by working with their strengths.
I think filters don’t necessarily indicate secrets OR privacy (tho more of the latter than te former) as much as they indicate levels of intimacy.
there are some people who I would share details of my life with, where I wouldnt dream of sharing those details with certain others… and I could be hurtful here and name names of those I wouldn’t share with, bt I’m so tipsy I can almost not remember the names…
coping mechanisms good, until they cause more harm than good. which happens a lot as we need to chuck the useless parts out periodically, as they demonstrate their uselessness.
Secrets are not bad. they are self-protective. none of us can afford to bare our complete souls and complete history to everyone that passes by. some people are just not nice individuals, and it’s just not smart to be naked to those people. CYA, to the nth degree.
*hugs*
*hug*
There’s a difference between things-we-don’t-know, things-other-people-don’t-know, and things-we-wish-other-people-didn’t-know. There isn’t a lot I wish other people didn’t know about me, but there’s tons I’ve never bothered to expose.
Oh, and anyone who thinks they have no secrets is keeping a whopper from themselves. Better to admit you have them, select them, and sort out the cognitive dissonances, I think.
*lots of hugs and love sent your way*
If, when you want to talk, you know where to find me, but I know you have lots of others offering too.
Either way, you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I just found this.
Strange. It seems it’s been here awhile.
Anyway, there is a difference between secrets and privacy. In some ways it’s not so healthy to force yourself to be overexposed, anymore than it is healthy to have a closet full of skeletons. The cutting does worry me. Not because of the cutting in and of itself. I’ve been a cutter for years and years. Just about the level of anxiety and free falling you must be feeling to be going there more often. Also, the drinking worries me too. While I’ll agree that I drank a hell of a lot more than i ever have those first few months after I split with Seana, and it’s slowed back down to my usual level…I remember how I felt those days and it wasn’t pretty. I was crumbling and desperate. It hurt so bad, I needed anything to blot out the pain.
I know you’ll land on your feet, and I also want to be someone you can reach out to so you don’t have to feel like you have to prop yourself up all the time when you feel like you just can’t.