(At the airport.) What in the hell was I worried about? That this was going to be some sort of romantic interlude? Ha. Apparently I went to sleep and completely forgot the last four years. This is Tom. We haven’t been together again for 24 hours and I know more clearly than I have ever known why it is over. He doesn’t know anything about me. He doesn’t want to know anything about me. And now, it’s ok that he feels that way.

From the first five minutes that we were talking he kept bringing up what “we” have done lately (the “we” not including me of course). He is already a “we” with someone else. I started to realize some things about Tom that aren’t very nice. I don’t think he is in relationships because he really gets to know the person and cares about him. I think he is in relationships because he doesn’t want to be alone. I am easily replaceable in his mind, and that isn’t a reflection on me. It doesn’t make him a bad person—far from it. But that isn’t what I want. I don’t want to be just better than being alone, I want to be the prize. I would never have been that for Tom. I feel much more comfortable with that knowledge now than I did 24 hours ago. 5000% more comfortable than I did a month ago.

I started off this morning being all wonky. Big shocker. I sat in the airport waiting for him to show up, he was late, singing songs to myself like, “that ain’t my truck in her drive, man it ain’t my day tonight. That ain’t my shadow on her wall…” All sorts of stupid country songs about being left behind for another person (why are the songs almost always about a woman moving on? Don’t stupid country singers realize that women get ditched too?). And then I saw him. I got this rush of emotion and happiness. I stared at him, trying to see how his face has changed. Then he opened his mouth. I think at this point I am more in love with who I want Tom to be than I am with who he is. Ok. Good to know.

Yeah. We’ve been together for 18 or so hours so far. We have talked for maybe thirty minutes and that was me peppering him with questions. [Noah—I miss you sooooooooooooo much.] I have come to the conclusion that there are things I want to do on this trip and he can either do them with me or I can meet him at the hotels at night. I’m not going to do his thing this time. Queer nightclubs in Dublin…. Here I come! Yay.

In other news: I forgot Ted. smack forehead How in the bloody hell could I forget Ted?! I left him at James’ house this morning. I still have Edmund… but that isn’t the same. It is almost prophetic. Ted has always been more of a bonding thing for Tom and I than Edmund has. By subconsciously not bringing Ted, maybe I am telling myself it is time to start severing those bonds. So I called James and asked him to Ted to Vegas with him. Hopefully I will get home to a bunch of pictures of Ted enjoying Vegas. I’ve never been—I’m kind of jealous. Now Edmund will have his time to shine in pictures though because I will take a bunch of him all over Ireland. It will be cool.

I’ve been trying to think of who I am. Apart from any of the boys I attach myself to. It is hard for me to figure this out, but isn’t it about time I tried? I’m 23. Do I have an identity of my own? I wrote this semi-impressive personal ad asking for very specific things that I want, but what does that freakin prove? I can ask for things, but who am I? What do I have to offer?

I’m smart. Damnit. I’m an ok dancer working on being a good dancer. I’m willing to bet that if I dance as much or more in the coming year as I did in the past year that by next year I will be pretty good. I am a student for the time being. I am a teacher. I may not have a full time job yet, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am a teacher. I enjoy helping people learn about new things. I’m good at it. I am brisk, but I am not a bitch. I do not enjoy hurting people and that is the line of being a bitch in my book. I’m not even as abrasive as I once was, which I think is a big deal!

Somewhere I saw someone say that they have intentions for the new year, not resolutions. Because resolutions are announcing a goal and you can either fail or succeed at them. Intentions are about striving to follow a path with no distinct goal from the outset because you don’t know where the path will lead.

I think I am going to set some intentions for myself for the coming year.

I will learn to like myself more. One way in which I hope to manifest this is by dealing with my urges to cut in a more healthy way. I want to learn that it is ok to reach out to people when I hurt like that. I can ask for help. This is going to be incredibly hard for me. Asking for help, acknowledging how very weak I feel… these are some of the hardest things in the world for me.

[Break for air travel and night in hotel in Dun Laoghaire (pronounced Done Leary) and day traveling to Virginia.]

So what I didn’t finish writing (because I got distracted by bouncy music in my earphones) was that I actually do want to have one resolution. Dance like no one is watching. So I did. In the Frankfurt airport. To my mp3 player, so no one else could hear it. A couple of kids pointed and laughed. Even more people smiled warmly at me dancing all by myself in the middle of an almost empty terminal to no sound. It was fun. Yes, I’m a freak.

The drive from the airport to our hotel south of Dublin was an exercise for me in “What frustrated the crap out of me while dating Tom?” By that point I had been awake for ~31 hours and Tom had been up for ~27. Not a good starting point. The directions for the tour thing we are on suck ass through a straw. We got so fucking lost in Dublin. It took us three hours to find our way to our hotel and we finally made it at all because I got very creative with my map usage. In Dublin the streets are small, narrow, they wind through these horrible curves, and they change names almost every block. I wanted to scream or cry or both. Of course the idea of asking for help was completely unacceptable. So I cried a few times and sucked it up. Eventually we did get there and had a truly excellent meal. I had my requisite Guinness. It was far better than the one I had in the states, but it still isn’t quite my palate. S’ok. Done. We tottled off to bed and I got an excellent night sleep. (Jennifer: you know those clothespins… the sun goes down around 5pm and it doesn’t come up until almost 9am. Light just isn’t a problem.) We had a mediocre breakfast and got on the road. This time going through Dublin was easier. I ignored the directions and followed my intuition. It took one hour instead of three. Go me.

The drive north and north west was fun. The buildings were nifty and the scenery was awesome. We pulled into Ardgillan Castle early in the day and went on a very fun tour. It was a castle rather off the main track and it looks like it doesn’t see many tour busses. This was a sign to us that it might actually be a good thing to see. We went on a tour with one old guy who worked there. The 45-60 minute tour turned into over an hour and a half. We had a blast. We peppered him with questions about the artifacts. I learned fascinating things about some of the local history and he pulled out a compendium of Vanity Fair issues from January 1895 and read us the gossip/scandal sheet of the day. It was actually really awesome. I have never been able to thumb through a book that old before! That would be held in awe in America and here he said, “Well, if I don’t thumb through it and read it eventually no one will remember that these things happened. Then there will be just one more old book crumbling on a shelf that no one alive has read. What is the point in that?” I really loved his attitude. He is a retired banker. He took over as director of this historical point to have something to do. I love that! He is having a total blast working there and restoring the building and learning as much as he can about the family that has lived in the house. (It isn’t a real castle. It started out as a manor house and the family added to it over generations and eventually tried to make it look like a castle. He thinks it is kind of silly and was very happy to point out that it is a phony.) Later we wandered through a grave yard that had tombstones from the early 18th century through 2003. I can’t imagine! A cemetery that is that old, yet it is still used. Wow. The cemetery had a tower that was built in the 10th century. I was in total history lust/envy. I can’t imagine. How delightful.

We had Thai food for lunch and more pub food for dinner. I tried to find live music, but the best I could do was a horrible dj in a bar. I wasn’t impressed. After browbeating the young bartender into making me a kamikaze (he was horrified at the idea) I sat there for a few hours kind of staring at the wall. No one talked to me. I finally said to myself, “Ok, at ten I will leave.” At five minutes to ten who should walk in, but a really hot boy. He sat at the other end of the bar and spent the next five minutes smiling rather broadly at me. Me being me… I returned the smile and gave some of my patented coy little looks. I think he was sucking up his nerve. But I had told myself ten and I stuck to it. I left for a rainy, cold walk back to the hotel. Tom has been breathing quietly next to me since I returned.

I am really happy I am here with him. We travel pretty well together. I care about him a lot and I am glad he is in my life. But he was never meant to be my life partner. It was pure stubbornness that kept us together for so long. I wasn’t going to admit defeat and say it wasn’t working. I feel a lot more confident now that I will find someone with whom it will work. I’m really happy and having a good time.

End of day two.

I have the next part started but not finished. I’ll post when I’m done. I am so fucking glad I have gotten to use the internet tonight. It put me in a 3000% better mood. I can’t handle being cut off from friendly conversations and Tom is tough to deal with for long periods. He and I just don’t think the same way. I can’t believe we made it through four years.