Monthly Archives: January 2005

quoteable.

In discussion this morning I realized the brilliance of something that has been said to me:

“Are you angry at me, or near me?”

This is a brilliant thing to say because I have a horrible habit of just being a nasty, snappy bitch in general when I am angry. If I am angry about something about school and you are standing near me I am likely to nearly bite your head off. It isn’t pleasant. It is something I try to control, but I’m still not always good at it. So… if you ever feel like I am being mean to you unfairly, asking me this question will make me realize what I’m doing. I will probably apologize profusely and back the hell off.

enh. Just a psa. 🙂

(I really love this picture.)

Play safe. Come back. Tell stories.

Well. I played safely. I played a looooooooooooooot. I don’t know who I am coming back to. I guess that means it is time to tell stories. Heh. I do love that part.

Ok. This is going on my tightest filter, so whereas normally if people talk about what I post with whoever else is on my friends-list it isn’t a big deal… this time… not many are seeing it. So for once…. yeah. Please don’t broadcast. 🙂

I engaged in some interesting behavior this weekend. I was even more out there than I normally am. Friday night was not out there really, I went to the Citadel. The highlight of the night was when a friend was getting ready to beat me and she wanted me to take my clothes off. There was a row of like six people just standing there watching the scene. She told them to turn around so I could get undressed, I was faking modesty, and they all did it!!!! I about died laughing!!!!!!!

Fabulous. I also got to suspend my best friend for the first time. That was cool. I’m glad we finally shared that.

Saturday… I got stuff done at home then I went off to an e party. This was a small party at a friend’s house. I am going to work like crazy not to give identifying information, but that is hard! (If I say anything too obvious please yell at me and I will edit.)

The party started off with some house cleaning and food prep. It felt good to be creating space for the event and I felt like I was more than just a guest. I liked that. When we were all ready to get started we sat in the living room in a circle. We discussed rules of the house, it is always wonderful to be clear on these things! Then I passed around some Magnessium (helps with jaw clenching) and we got to roll. As things were getting started we played a name game. I still feel like there are 6 people who went (out of 14) that I barely know. I do know their names of course… but I don’t know them. I didn’t talk to them. S’ok. I actually didn’t spend the night quite how I expected to. There was a couple I expected to play with a lot that I didn’t play with at all. There was another couple that I expected to sort of, kind of play with that I not only played with for most of the party, I followed them home the next day! (More on this later)

I actually spent a huge chunk of the night sitting in a bedroom with one person. He was looking at porn (a fine and noble task I say) so I picked up my laptop and showed him bunches of naked pictures of me and I read him some of the stories I have read about things I have done. This was a fantastical ubercool way to spend a bunch of the night. (I wandered in and out.) I had a serious case of short attention span this time. It was ok though. I had a tremendous amount of sex. I was told it was hours and hours worth. 😀 Yay. All I know is I felt physically GOOD all night long. I didn’t have jaw issues. I got a little bit of the scratchies, but not as much as I have in the past. I didn’t get into conversations much. Other people were being chatty and doing the soul-revealing thing. I just wasn’t there. I didn’t want to talk. It was like my brain wanted to be disconnected. Somehow the reading felt different. I wasn’t having to connect with myself in the moment. I have been doing a lot of introspection lately and I was really happy to take a break from that.

Side note- I have been ‘big’ all weekend. I haven’t once felt any inclination to go little. Well, I did have a sippie cup at the party, but that was more about an oral fixation than about being little. I noticed this as I drove home this morning. I haven’t felt big for this long in I couldn’t tell you when. I have no idea what triggered it. Anyway. More story.

I really enjoyed the party. I liked touching and being touched. I enjoyed the playing with the couple. I fell asleep before the party wound down (big shocker there) so this of course means that I woke up long before anyone else. Even I hate being such an insane morning person sometimes. I got up to go out to the hot tub so that I wouldn’t bug other people in the house too much. The man I had spent most of the night playing with was up. He asked if he could follow me out to the hot tub and of course I agreed. 🙂 This lead to more yummy playing. With the sun coming up. It was breathtaking. Hell yeah. Gotta do that again some day.

Eventually we got out and I tried to snuggle but I was too antsy. People started rousing and I spent some time talking a little with one of the most amazing women I know. I was really happy to have time with her. We decided that it was time to start breakfast. I ran off to the market and amused a group of elderly people on the way back. *shrug* It’s not my fault that they don’t understand about the blue world.

Breakfast took a while to totally produce, but that was way ok. We were all…. a bit… slow… Snuggling and cuddles took place for the whole morning and into the afternoon. I finally left to follow the couple home. I stopped by my house first because I thought clean clothes and a shower were a very good idea.

I got to their house feeling somewhat apprehensive. I felt like I had been invited by the husband and not by the wife. That is a very hard thing for me. I had one situation some months ago where my behavior caused pain to someone’s partner and I’ve been feeling really gun-shy about such things since. It turned out remarkably well though. Wow. We did nitrous and pot for uhhhh a long time. I have no idea how long really. And we had sex and sex and sex and sex. It was rather remarkable to me that they were functional enough to keep up the supply. I sure as hell wasn’t. Eventually they really hit my max capacity of substance usage. I curled up and went *poof* Dragging me downstairs for food was hard. I couldn’t believe how functional they were.

Then I passed out. Hard. I got lots of sleep again! Yay. I woke up this morning and talked with their daughter for a while. That was surreal for me. I had some mixed emotions about the situation, but it was ok. She is amazingly bright, and talkative, and social. I was incredibly impressed. I went back upstairs after an hour or so and climbed back into bed with them. The snuggling rocked. Of course more sex happened. I enjoyed that talking that finally started to happen. Eventually the lovely lady asked for some alone time with her husband and I scooted out. It was really good. I was delighted that she asked. It means that I will feel more comfortable next time because I will trust her to let me know when she is ready for me to leave. I’m always terrified of over-staying my welcome and I often leave things early because I don’t want to overstay. I think I miss out on a lot of good bonding time because I’m afraid of pushing. 🙁

Anywho. Very fabulous. I am a happy happy girl. Now I need to hop in the shower, get dressed and have lunch with a hot boy. Then I will help clean house. Then I will maybe come clean my own room. (HA!) Then I am heading over to see James and go to Plough and Death Guild. Wow. There are too many things to do!!!

I can’t say my life sucks. Cause it really doesn’t. That adrenaline rush of “ooooh attention!!!” has been kind of fading. It got a gnarly slap in the ass this weekend. I think I’m ok coasting for a bit again. Now it just comes down to scheduling.
“Love is limitless, time is not.”

hmmm plans…

Looks like I will be skipping Kinkfest…

The SF Fetish Ball is that weekend. It is cheaper, it is local. It will be a fucking rocking party. yay!

I went through SOJ’s calendar this morning (hey, do you think I actually want to be cleaning my room right now? Hell no!)

I put a bunch of leather events on my official calendar. I will be very tentative about accepting dates for these events. I want someone who will play, or I want to go network in the kink scene. I’m ready to get back on that horse.

*deep breath*

I can do this.

Note on pressies

I am against stupid, tacky, kitchy sorts of presents. I think they are fucking retarded. That means when I go on trips I go to ‘normal’ shopping places and look for things that are unusual, but something that I would buy as a present for someone for a regular occasion–not just because it says, “Ireland” on it.

This means that the pressies I bring back from trips are very sketchy. I will not buy something just to give a particular person ‘something.’ I find things for somewhat random people in my life and it just fits to me so I buy it. That means that getting a pressie for someone or not getting a pressie for someone is not a reflection of “I like you more than so and so” it just means that I didn’t find anything that screamed out your name and I’m not going to waste my money and your space on something stupid. I like you too much.

End of public service announcement.

Yayyyyyyyyyyy I’m home!!!!!!!!!

a boy

I got home to a birthday card for, “A sweet seven-year-old” with Strawberry Shortcake stickers. I guess it is my unbirthday!

Duck Boy can stay. I am extremely impressed.

soooooooooooooooooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!!!1

*blip*

on the radar…

In Ireland. Having a blast. Guess what…. Sooooo over Tom. Yeah. I’m really really really ok with being broken up with him. I had no idea it would be this easy emotionally. I’m just done. Wow. When did that happen?

I have a huge bunch of stuff written out so far, but the network blows and I can’t get my laptop to connect and so it is going to wait until I am online on my machine.

Safe to say- having a blast. Wish you were here. *smooch*

I leave for the airport in two hours.

It occured to me, while sitting in the bathtub, that this is going to be ok.

Tom and I made the transition from M/s back to equals and still had a good relationship. This is just one more transition. It will be good. That was significantly traumatic. This is as well, but… we can handle it.

packing

I have clothes (from the skin out: jammies, underwear, socks, shirts, sweaters, pants, long johns),
toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, q-tips, face wash, body wash, lotion, meds, toothpaste, hair stuff, moist towel things…..ohhh!! find toothbrush!),
extra shoes,
the boys,
stuff for being an icki girl,
warm hat/gloves/scarf,
cords for computer,
camera,
mp3 player,
knitting,
guide books,
writing book,
2 fiction books,

what am I forgetting?

Secrets

I make a big deal out of not having secrets. I talk about it. I emphasize it. Yet… I like my lj because it has filters. Why? Am I a hypocrite?

I hide things too. I haven’t told anyone that I have been cutting a lot lately. I am remarkably good at hiding it. I have years of practice.

I have been hurting myself in a myriad of ways lately. I’m not coping with life well.

I had a long chat with my brother yesterday. He said he cares about me. He told me things that I have wanted my big brother to tell me for my entire life. It was really hard and scary to tell him about trying drugs. It was scary to tell him how much I have been drinking. It was hard to tell him that I am cutting again. I told him how suicidal I am. He told me how suicidal he still is; even with how wonderful his life is–he still wants to die. We discussed how fucked up our parents made us. I found out that he doesn’t know much about the sexual abuse I went through. I heard some of the stories that our father told him about me. Really fucked up.

I’m scared to talk about the things that go through my head. But if I am going to be so fucking sanctimonious about secrets, maybe I shouldn’t have any.

Now I need to freakin finish packing.

generic plug for mass consumerism

http://www.extraugly.com/

Shop here.

I know a certain Rocket Scientist who might be getting a late Christmas present as soon as I get my damn check. http://www.extraugly.com/shirt.php?design=0029

Want: http://www.extraugly.com/shirt.php?design=0051

Will have soon. 🙂

Not that I exactly need more profane t-shirts…

tribe

No, not the website. Though from the same idea the website sprang. Tonight I went to a munch. I went to the Liquid Munch specifically. It is held in a bar in SF. I had a truly awesome time. I got to talk to people who have known me for years. Most of the conversations were, “I remember when…” and I knew the stories. I was at those parties! I knew these people way back when! I felt like part of something.

I need to get back into doing scene events. That has been my home turf for a long time. It’s where I belong. It is the place where I talk about wanting to be beaten bloody and people don’t get horrifed, they get dreamy! I’m not a freak there. I am just me. They have read my stupid angst filled processy emails for years and given me advice and guidance. They have encouraged me.

My friends. My tribe. It was so good to feel secure for just those few hours.

And the hot girls playing with me didn’t suck either.

Insecurity clarification

So I’m being weird about Tom having fun. I’ve been trying to figure out why.

Something that occured to me is that when I left Tom I left practically everything that has been my life for the past four years. Everyone I’m spending time with are people that I haven’t known very long. They are not the people whom I have shared most everything with for a long time. Tom is bringing his new girl into that circle. I don’t know how to stay in it and not feel sad. I don’t even have anyone who would want to join me in that circle. Instead I am trying like mad to forge entirely new support with nothing to build on. It is really hard.

I’m not devaluing any of the new friends I have. You are all good people. But you just haven’t been around that long. Seeing pictures of Tom enjoying a party I have been a part of for years but I wasn’t invited to this year… that hurt. Yes. I had a fun NYE. I’m not claiming I didn’t. But I feel like I’m having fun in someone else’s life. Cause I’m not in my life anymore.

And you, yes you—with the clue by four. Put it down please. I don’t want to feel it.

SLUT!!!

That is what the crowd was screaming last night as I stood on stage and audaciously held up my fist full of resolution cards. I had 14 in my hand. That means I helped 14 people break their resolutions. (Not really.) The next runner up had three. No wonder by the end of the night people were grabbing my hand and just running off with me to do dirty things! They thought I was the party slut!!!!

(Ok, so in truth I didn’t actually earn all of them. A friend gave me one for playing with his camera {he wanted to help me make sure I won} and someone gave me a card for seducing him, but I only chastely kissed him on the cheek {he has promised me a game of wink in the future}, and the girl I was supposed to have sex with I really only kissed and played with her breasts {her boyfriend was going down on her so I think she figured that it was me being involved in them having sex}, and someone else decided to just hand me the card she had earned {for giving someone a blow job}. So yeah. I really only earned 10. It was hella fun though. And I didn’t take my clothes off to win a single card. Mostly I just kissed people and rubbed them suggestively.

It was totally a blast!!! *giggle* I’ve never done anything like that before… Heh. hmmmm yay.

Yeah. A really tame and boring party. I got no attention at all. *yawn*