English Genius
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The Commonly Confused Words Test
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I made a promise last night that I can’t believe I made. It is going to have serious repurcusions through my uhm…*cough* social calendar.

I’m not ready to post about this situation yet.

Red long-sleeved latex shirt with a zipper up the front.

Black latex underwear (mostly covers my ass)

Of course high black boots

black tights or nylons?

I’ve been having this recurring dream. I am watching this scene mostly from the third person point of view, but at times I seem to be “in the head” of either of the two main characters.

There is this man who has escaped from prison. He is an Evil Criminal Mastermind type. I don’t know what all he has done–but name it and he probably has. I open upon him in a room at a hotel getting ready to go out. I see a detective bearing in on the hotel. I don’t know why there is just one person after this guy, but there is. (The setting looks Edwardian London.) The detective gets near the man as the man is leaving the hotel. A chase ensues! The man evades the detective by jumping off a pier and swimming to a different part of the shore. I don’t think the detective can swim, but I don’t know how/why the man knows this. The man gets back to shore and waits, dripping to see who leaves a nearby house (it looks like it is time to go to work) and he breaks into the house when the man leaves. He bathes and takes clothing. The man goes and sets up a reservation at another hotel. He is posing as a Viennese doctor in town for a conference. He has some sort of dummy that is supposedly his father who has some sort of disease and can’t walk right. It is bizarre. The man goes up to the hotel room, it looks like a big windy house–like the hotels in London actually. 🙂

He is plotting something and I can’t tell what. Once again, the detective gets close and he flees….

That is about as far as I get. Throughout this dream the details are excrutiatingly vivid when I am in the dream. There are conversations and small nuances of feeling in everything. I see their clothing in gorgeous detail and how they do their hair and… I don’t know what it is supposed to mean. Usually my recurring dreams end up meaning something. This one is baffling the hell out of me.

I also didn’t sleep well last night. I didn’t fall asleep until way late because I was giddy and excited about something, but then I woke up at 7 and just couldn’t really get back to sleep. I got to snuggle on Wednesday with someone I “fit” with and I think last night was backlash of being alone again. 🙁

Apparently I am going to Wicked City.

*blush*

*stammer*

Uhm. Yeah. It is something I just really need to do. I will be showing up late after a birthday party. But uhm… yeah… I need to go.

*blush*

*giggle*

*squirm*

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been so happy and excited for the past two days. Then today I talked to Anna on the phone. I called her to be gushy about something that is going well for me. About five minutes into the conversation she said, “And do you want to hear my good news?” “unh” That was about as much enthusiasm as I displayed. She doesn’t call me to tell me about things. Instead, she waits for me to have something I want to talk about and she hijacks the conversation. We always have to end up focusing on her. And the stuff she wants to focus on usually sucks. I end most conversations with her feeling upset.

Today she was telling me about how she is applying to Arizona State U for med school. She will be doing so commuting from her parents house. She wants me to be excited for her. Her parents are abusive, negative, belligerent assholes. They treat her profoundly badly and no, I don’t fucking feel happy about her moving there. It isn’t because I am sad she is moving out of state—I already hardly see her. She will move in with her parents and go back into being abused. Why in the fuck should I be happy about this? Not to mention that my pessimistic nature tells me that she won’t be accepted into med school. Her grades are horrible. Her MCAT scores are not high enough. I just don’t understand why she thinks that giving up on her friends and life and moving out of state for a dream that isn’t likely to come true is a good idea.

I’m feeling really upset by my interaction with her. Why do I continue to associate with her? I have felt for a while that we are moving further apart. I haven’t considered her my best friend for quite some time. I’m beginning to wonder if she is even a friend. I’m sad about the situation.

I was asked yesterday if I surround myself with people who are constantly in crises. Maybe I do. She is certainly one example of such a person. In the main I don’t think I do though. It makes me think that maybe if I can’t handle her heavy level of drama that I should start creating more distance there. I wonder how long it would be before she would call me. I practically hung up on her today. I finally interrupted her long spiel about why it was a good idea and told her why it isn’t a good idea and brought up several examples from her previous history with her parents. She said, “I don’t remember that.” She has a bloody convenient memory. She acknowledged that I have asked her not to tell me about her parents and her interactions with them because I get angry on her behalf. She said, “I’m trying to tell you less of the upsetting stuff.” I told her that she isn’t succeeding. Then I said I had to go because I had class and I hung up without waiting for her to say goodbye.

I feel like I just lost my friend.

On Wednesday I went over to the house of the couple that I am considering service for. I am a truly odd duck. I ended up spending about four hours cleaning their house in my underwear (he would have preferred naked but he allowed me to be shy because it was the first time). [For ease, he is G she is D.] D was at work, so I never did see her. Their two daughters were off at day care. I had not really understood that it was to be a day of service. So I was wearing inappropriate underwear. I get the impression that this error will be tolerated once and in the future will result in punishment. He has a dress code. Although it is always acceptable to simply go without underwear, which I dislike. So I guess I better start wearing thongs when I go over there. It is funny to me that I own a number of thongs, but I never wear them. Ok, I wear them to events where I will be running around in underwear because they are somehow sexier. Only, I find them uncomfortable and I think that is less than sexy.

I found myself at times feeling impatient some moments with how much time he wanted to spend! If I had tasks to accomplish he should just let me do them! Silly man. He wants to distract me with spanking me. It didn’t suck, but I was still feeling anxious about finishing. He later told me that he believed from the beginning that I would not be able to finish. I think I would have been able to if I had been dedicated in my efforts. But it is ok. As long as I am performing up to his standards then the relationship is doing well. Wow. What a thing to say. Where are my standards in the equation? I’m not sure yet.

He follows a formality of protocol that I am unused to. As Chris tells me, D/s can be created from the outset and G manages that. I felt somewhat disconcerted by the lack of romance type feeling. I was truly doing this just to serve. Service for the sake of service. I was not serving him out of love. At some point in the day it occurred to me that I was serving D more than I was serving G because all of these things would eventually have had to happen and D would have been the one to do them. I really liked thinking about making her life easier.

These early interactions are going well. I liked that he required me to dress him. And I got to shine his shoes. Yay for shining shoes. He has high hopes for the relationship. He thinks it will turn into a long-term triad. I think once again, that a relationship can’t have a future until it has had a past. Building sand castles in the air worries me. Who freakin knows what it will turn into. I don’t want to speculate. But it was a lot of fun. I really love doing service.

togos8: Good MorningMy name is Michael. I came across your name on the SF Bay Area Kink site.Do you have a moment?
boot_slut: Depends. What for?
togos8: Good Answer I wanted to say hello.
boot_slut: hi
togos8: I understand that you are and have interest in BDSM
boot_slut: yes
togos8: How long have you been involved in this area of play?
boot_slut: 4 1/2 years
togos8: started early….May I ask how you became interested?
boot_slut: Uhm, because I like kinky sex.
togos8: best answer
togos8: Do you have play partner(s)?
boot_slut: yes
togos8: good..If you would like to attend a play party, please let me know
boot_slut: Why would I need to let you know?
boot_slut: Why wouldn’t I just go by myself or with one of the people I play with?
togos8: I host them
boot_slut: Which ones? Where?
boot_slut: If they are local I have probably already heard of them.
togos8: these are private, by invitation only
boot_slut: Do any members of the public scene go?
boot_slut: Any Janus members, any people who go to munches?
togos8: yes
boot_slut: If it were so private and secretive you wouldn’t invite random chicks off the internet.
togos8: I came across your profile, and thought that a simple hello and casual discussions would be a simple way of just getting to know you. I am off to a breakfast meeting. I hope to talk with you again
togos8: Be safe/have fun

Does anyone recognize this nick?

Flirting is a strange animal. People lately have been mentioning that flirting means one thing to them and another to someone else. Some won’t flirt unless they have interest in going to bed with someone, others will flirt with anyone and it is just a friendly thing. For me it is somewhere in the middle. Many of the people I flirt with I would potentially go to bed with if a huge list of factors were to change, but they aren’t likely to. So I just enjoy the flirting. I like flirting–it is good for the ego on both sides. Self-esteem can generally use all the bolstering it can get.

I try really hard to keep perspective about my flirtations. That they are going >————–< this far and no farther. In my attempt to keep from building sandcastles in the air. Doesn’t always work. That fresh burst of “maybe” is intoxicating. Usually I am able to be objective and say, “Well–they have ‘x’, ‘y’, and ‘z’ going that will probably mean it won’t get that serious. Thusly I work at keeping a lid on my emotions. Sometimes, not very often, I can’t find anything wrong with someone immediately and then… whoa. Those flirtations are scary. The intoxication is overwhelming and… eeeeek!!

There has so got to be stuff wrong with the person. You just don’t know what it is yet. Is it inappropriate to say in emails, “I want to find out how quickly you are going to annoy me?”

I have been thinking about sex. (shocker, I know) But I have been thinking that maybe holding off on having any new partners for a while would be a good thing. Current partners should do cartwheels. This means I will be more likely to come back sooner. 🙂 Not a horrid thing I would think. I don’t remember who I was talking to, but someone was making cracks about me going to bed with someone on the first date. It felt weird to hear the comment. I don’t always. Ok, sometimes I really do… but yeah. I’m not actually a “sure” thing and I kind of don’t like the perception than I am. Noah and I talked yesterday about how he and I waited through about five weeks of dating. Anthony waited about that long. A few others have too. I just had a really slutty phase there… heh. I’m beginning to think once again about, “If it is worth doing it is worth waiting for,” and “You can’t have a future with someone until you have had a past with them.” If I want someone to just be a fuck buddy, it might as well happen quickly. I really don’t see why building a relationship matters that much. Maybe that is cold. If I think…maybe…I want to wait. Is that manipulative?

I ordered blue. 🙂 I know that crimson won out in the poll, but the comments about considering the photographic potential won out. I already have blue pieces of rope that are suitable for body work. I only have one piece of crimson rope that really isn’t terribly helpful in major body work. So I made my decision based on that. 🙂

This means I will need to get tied up soon. 🙂

I’m going to be ordering a very few hanks of rope from Monk and I’m not sure what color(s) to get. So far I have a 4mm piece in crimson and two pieces 6mm in blue. These are in addition to my random pieces of not well treated natural color lengths. 🙂 I would like to be able to do a full suspension with pretty rope. It is going to take a while. 🙂 But for now… whatcha think?

So I was feeling a wee bit claustrophobic about the whole “no free Saturday until June” thing.

So I looked at the course offerings again. They added new classes. During the week. I am not giving up a single weekend day! YAYYY!!!

Very exciting.

I now have free weekend days. w00t!

I also finished my taxes: nothing back. I guess I didn’t make enough money. Oh well.

I woke up this morning feeling very touch needy. I have a date with friends tonight. I will probably get snuggles then. It’s a good thing cause I need it pretty bad.

A good date.

1. I have gone to Australia with a man I barely knew.
2. I have had naked pictures taken of me in front of a glacier lake.
3. I have left the country three times only bringing one backpack.
4. I lived as a slave for two years before my owner ended our M/s because it was “too much work.”
5. I have moved more than forty times.
6. I have attended thirty-one schools.
7. I have dealt with both my brother and my father committing suicide within three months of one another.
8. I had custom boots made in London.
9. I was attacked by a pit bull and had a large amount of my face removed and then put back.
10. I went to Paris in order to go to Disneyland Paris and didn’t see anything else there.

Has anyone else done any of these?

Today was my brothers birthday. He would have been 28.

I miss you Tommy.

Saturdays are booked through May. With the occasional Friday or Sunday something that goes with a Saturday something.

People. I am not actually that busy. I have two, count them two nights in the next 7 days wherein I do not have dates. So 😛

Good Grief.

A meme I can totally get behind from tenacious_snail:

In response to some really fun, helpful, eye-opening discussions I would like to propose the following.

I’m going to post three rejections to a sexual/romantic advance. I recognize that no response is suitable for all situations, but the idea is to come up with some that work, so that there is one available when needed. You tell me if you think I’ve managed to say no gracefully. Post three rejections in your own LJ (or find a works-for-you variation on Learning How to Say No Gracefully). The presumption is that the person who is attracted to you is not some random cyclist on Caltrain, but is someone who is a friend or acquaintance.

1. Unfortunately, at this point in time I don’t have time to see anyone new because I don’t have enough time to pay sufficient attention to the people I am already involved with. I thank you for the invitation though! (This is probably what I say most of the time. This has been a very hard won battle for me to be able to say. For a while I wasn’t sleeping because I spent so much time trying to go out with everyone who asked me out. I was still very much feeling like the ugly duckling who had to accept every morsal of attention because surely there weren’t very many people who were likely to be interested in me.)

2. Thank you very much for sharing your interest with me; I appreciate it because I know it is hard to do. I don’t really feel the same way about you though. (I can feel my inner self cowering as I even type that.)

3. I know that I flirt with you like crazy, but the flirting is as far as I want things to go. I am very sorry if you feel misled. Is it possible for us to just enjoy the energy of flirting with one another? (Telling someone this blew up in my face once. I was told that I ruined the mystery of “what might be” involved with the flirting. *sigh* I can’t win.)

I would like to write something really dirty right now, but I have a major case of writers block. Writers block combined with overwhelming horniness.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lately I have been a third more times than chance can account for. On a few happy occasions, I’ve even been a fourth! I suppose it could be safe to say that I like group sex. I am not sure what it is about the energy involved, but it seems to be exactly what fits for me at this stage of life.

I think couples represent both security and lack of commitment. Single people want to be part of a couple. They look at every person they date as a possibility for leaving the hell that is being single. Being invited to parties is often awkward when you are single. So when I date a couple I don’t have to worry about them wanting to partner up—they already have their main partner. They may be more interested in having me be a more active secondary than I am ready to be—but that pressure is distinctly less than when someone is looking for a primary type relationship. Because they aren’t massively in the hunting phase, they tend to be more settled in general and that feels like security to me. I can come to them in a consistent way and they are more likely to be consistent. I get to have my cake (security) and eat it too (not have to actually commit). I guess it is a win/win situation for me.

This being said: how does this actually work out in my life? With one couple that I am dating, they have a wonderful welcoming vibe. They enjoy their time with me when it happens but they never push me for more time. They have the most mellow approach to dating me that I can imagine. Seeing them is a pleasure because it is enjoyed in and of itself with no expectations. I think part of the reason that it works so easily with them is that they have only been involved for less than two years and they are still riding the NRE wave on their own and they are less intense about pursuing outside people. Another couple has been married for years and years. They are very solid, yet I notice that they seem to have something that they are consciously looking for. Being told that I am the perfect hot bi babe that they have been looking for… worries me. Spending time with them is good, but I distinctly get the impression that I am just not doing it as often as they would prefer. It is difficult to manage my own feelings that I am letting them down, but that is my baggage to bear. I need to not try to carve out more time out of guilt. I would rapidly feel resentful. Another couple has been having a lot of problems in their relationship and when I interact with them I am overly conscious of that. I worry about any sort of comment from him that I am “so amazing” because I instantly want to say, “But she is so amazing in this way and that way and this other way! You are soooooo lucky that you have her!” I can’t accept any sort of compliment in a natural fashion. One couple is extremely poly and is constantly pursuing new people. I don’t feel like I am something they want so much as they need the constant variety. Another couple has more or less looked at me just to see how I fit into their lives as a third. I am deeply worried about only being considered as a means to fill a hole in their lives. Maybe, couples are likely to grab at a person trying to form a relationship too…

From couple to couple it also varies greatly in how much I interact with each person. Sometimes I will go on dates with the female partner more than the male partner. Sometimes I have sex almost solely with the male. Sometimes it seems that I don’t spend time with one without the other and I definitely don’t have sex with either without both present. With one couple that I have dated I spent a great deal of non-sexual time with the female partner and almost none with the male partner, but I had lots and lots of sex with the male partner and I only had sex with the female partner once over many months.

What are some of the pitfalls? As with dating single people, every relationship is different and when you are dating a couple the dynamics are just insane. I do actually have to worry about people wanting more from me than I can give. Can I be the hot bi babe of their fantasy? Some couples are really looking to form a triad, can I give them the amount of time and energy that they want? Are they looking for a permanent connection that involves raising their children or the possibility of having children with me? These are very serious considerations! I guess I really have shot to hell my theory that couples represent less commitment. Yeah. And then you get into situations where the additional person wants more than the couple. I want to have kids. Most couples have either had their children and are not interested in having more with an additional person or they don’t want children at all. My opinion of this may be influenced by the ages of people that I end up dating. I suppose if I became involved with a couple that was more my age then I wouldn’t be running into people who have already had their kids. There aren’t very many stable couples my age looking to add a third though. 🙂 None of this is easy to figure out.

So there are certainly disadvantages to seeing couples, but overall it seems to be worth it for me, especially at this stage of my life. Maybe part of what I am getting out of it is that I tend to prefer dating people who are older than me. Often, people who are much older than me who have not managed to be coupled seem to have noticeable reasons that they are not coupled and those are reasons that I would not want to stay with them seriously as well… Whereas couples seem to have this aura of “See! We are both stable enough to have a relationship!” This has proven to be an incorrect thought more than once, but it perseveres. Often there is the issue of wanting one half of the couple more. It

And then we get to the nitty gritty of sex! Goodness. Ok, the variations on how this works out would take too long to write. Forget it.

The god who massages me came up with the Quote of the Day:

“You can power that whole dress with a nine volt battery”

I liked it…

Have I mentioned lately that I love my friends?