I was driving down from Davis today and I put in an album I haven’t listened to for a while. Meredith Brooks. When
I hate the world today
You’re so good to me
I know but I can’t change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I’m an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

Chorus:
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your health, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I’m going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won’t mean a thing

Chorus

Just when you think you’ve got me figured out
the season’s already changing
I think it’s cool you do what you do
and don’t try to save me

Chorus

I’m a bitch, I’m a tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numbed, I’m revived
can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way

came on I sat and thought about drivng down the road one day with Stephen and his comment, “You know, when this song came out I actually stopped and thought, ‘I could handle a girl like that.’ Then I met you. I guess I got what I wanted.” We were really happy for quite a while. Maybe I need another boy who wants a girl like that.

Then I put on Avril Lavigne,
And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it’ll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don’t

When you say that it’s gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today…

[Chorus:]

I don’t know how to feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don’t know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It’s always been up to you,
It’s turning around,
It’s up to me,
I’m gonna do what I have to do,
just do

Gimme a lil time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it’s not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today…

[Chorus:]

I don’t know how to feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don’t know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

And I know I’m not ready,
Maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it’ll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today…

Tomorrow it may change [4x ]

I remember one day with Tom. It was the day after a driving trip and Gary and Deborah were in the guest room. We were getting ready to take Gary’s car to the shop because it was the year his car had major problems. I don’t remember what all was happening,or why I was upset, but I really was. I stood in our bedroom folding laundry with tears running down my face. Tom came in and stood behind me. He put his arms around me. This song was quite a soundtrack for me being upset with him. Everytime I hear this song I think of that day.

About this time I decided that I was going to be more deliberate in my walk down memory lane. I put on White Towns’
Just tell me what you’ve got to say to me,
I’ve been waiting for so long to hear the truth,
It comes as no surprise at all you see,
So cut the crap and tell me that we’re through.
Now I know your heart,
I know your mind,
You don’t even know you’re being unkind,
So much for all your highbrow Marxist ways,
Just use me up and then you walk away,
Boy you can’t play me that way.
Well I guess what you say is true,
I could never be the right kind of girl for you,
I could never be your woman.
When I saw my best friend yesterday,
She said she never liked you from the start,
Well me, I wish that I could claim the same,
But you always knew you held my heart.
And you’re such a charming handsome man,
Now I think I finally understand,
Is it in your genes?,
I don’t know,
But I’ll soon find out, that’s for sure,
Why did you play me this way?.
Well I guess what you say is true,
I could never be the right kind of girl for you,
I could never be your woman.
Well I guess what they say is true,
I could never spend my life with a man like you,
I could never be your woman.

Stephen gave me this single. He gave it to me as I was packing up to leave him. I think I played it 24 hours a day for two weeks straight as I tried to convince myself that leaving was the right decision.

Next I went on to The Cure,
Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream she said
The one that makes me laugh she said
And threw her arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I’ll run away with you
I’ll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
Why are you so far away? she said
Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you
That I’m in love with you

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You’re just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

This song was all about Michael. My Michael. I have tried to locate him. I can’t find him. I dreamed about him for years before I met him. I am so sorry to not have him anymore. He was my DM (D&D not, bdsm), my first love, my soul mate. From thousands of miles away he knew that I needed him desperately and he always popped up. Why can’t I find him anymore?

I played the Faith in Grey album. That was Stephen’s band. There are no lyrics available. But “Void” was such an amazing song. Stephen wrote it and did the lead vocals. The funny thing is, the song doesn’t really make me think of him. I think of Anna, and our days as groupies.

I played Violent Femmes,
Tell you man I’m stuck on this lovely girl
Of course to me u’know she mean all the world
But then she like another guy
I fall down dead she never see the tears I cry
Please please please do not go
How long can the days go on
When my love is so strong
And I know I cannot tell a lie
I wanna see him go bye
Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye
Now I wonder what she would say
If I told her that I felt this way
Y’know it might make her turn either way
So all I can do is patiently pray
Pray pray pray pray
Tell yuo man I’m stuck on this lovely girl
And y’know I could travel all over the whole world
Please please please do not go
You hurt me so
I got something to show you

The summer I was 14 I went to Provo, Utah with Marie and we stayed with her grandmother and went to Ed Week at BYU. I discovered this song that week. I about wore it out. I love it. She was an important chunk of my life. I’m really pretty happy that I don’t know her anymore though. Damn was she a pain in the ass. ha!

As I drove I thought about the people who have been chapters in my life. Michael. Stephen. Marie. Anna. Tom. Julia. Noah. Jenny. Lauren. I thought about some of the people that I thought were going to be really important and ended up just being footnotes (ha! Brian!). Now I’m wondering who is going to be important, and who will be footnotes in this section of my life. Only time will tell. I wonder what songs will be attached to them.

And then I got home. What does your soundtrack sound like?