with thanks to ribbin

Fuck You Day
(or: the guerilla repurposing of a Hallmark Event)

by Andrew C. Bulhak

In a few days it will be the 14th of February; the day when we think of all the people who have profoundly touched our lives and say to them those special words: “Fuck You”.

Most people know this day as something else; a Hallmark event during which neurochemically induced temporary insanity is celebrated by spending large sums of money on flowers, chocolate and greeting cards, and wallowing in artificially-induced sentiment. The problem with this holiday is that it excludes those who are not out of their skulls on phenylethylamine. Those who are not in relationships, who do not have a Special Someone in whose name to pad the coffers of florists and gift companies, are marginalized and rendered invisible. If you’re not in a relationship, or looking to be in one, you’re nothing. Even in this age of political correctness and all-inclusive niceness, this is one form of discrimination that is still wholeheartedly embraced by people who abhor most forms of prejudice and bigotry.[1]

Fuck You Day is not so viciously discriminatory. We may not all have lovers, but we all have irritants. Into every life a little shit must fly, and when shit happens, there’s usually an asshole responsible. And there are many forms that these assholes come in; they can be family members, co-workers, classmates, ex-lovers or so-called friends; or they can be strangers; bureaucratic Nazis who refuse to cut you the least bit of slack, or obnoxious neighbors with execrable taste in music, or just the glorps who steal your slack.

For lesser irritants, a simple, confident, decisive “fuck you” will suffice. (Or, if they’re an ex-lover, a bouquet of dead roses or gift-boxed roadkill may be particularly appropriate.) But there are some for whom something more elaborate is in order. Something that drives home the message with a personal touch and a perversely loving attention to detail. In short, we are talking about pranks.

Before we proceed any further, faithful reader, we must stress that we do not advocate beating people up, torching their homes or any other such act of unimaginative, meatheaded stupidity. A truly righteous act of vengeance is best worked with imagination, originality and no small dose of irony; in a way that comes out of nowhere and causes the target to realize that they have brought their fate unto themselves; that the trap that has snared them has been lain by themselves. In an ideal prank, the victim is subjected to an act of humiliation mirroring (symbolically or actually) the behavior that first brought them to the prankster’s attention and singled them out for a Fuck You Day gift; it would be especially apt if, looking back on the incident, the victim could see several ways he or she could have avoided falling into the trap — each of which would have required them to stop acting like an asshole. It goes without saying that they should have no recourse; nothing to press charges over, and preferably no tangible evidence pointing to the perpetrator.

Some of the best pranks have an element of subtlety and finesse, a Zen quality of minimalism, in which the prankster’s role is merely that of an instrument of fate and the will of the universe (which has a somewhat ironic sense of humour). Additionally, a well-thought-out prank doesn’t even have to directly affect the subject; a prank can take the form of a message, in the form of some inexplicable, mediagenic spectacle, which, whilst leaving most observers confused, strikes the terror of the Gods into your intended’s heart.

So, this Fuck You Day, think of all the people who have vexed and frustrated you, and let them know that you care.

[1] (Unlike that other holiday, Fuck You Day does not discriminate against those who are happily in love or otherwise not totally disillusioned with the meat market. Rather than saying “fuck you”, one can say to the object of one’s desires “I want to fuck you”. Evolutionarily speaking, it’s direct and to the point, without all the superfluous mendacity of flowers, romance and adult-contemporary ballads; and in every relationship honesty is always a good thing.)