Lately I have been a third more times than chance can account for. On a few happy occasions, I’ve even been a fourth! I suppose it could be safe to say that I like group sex. I am not sure what it is about the energy involved, but it seems to be exactly what fits for me at this stage of life.

I think couples represent both security and lack of commitment. Single people want to be part of a couple. They look at every person they date as a possibility for leaving the hell that is being single. Being invited to parties is often awkward when you are single. So when I date a couple I don’t have to worry about them wanting to partner up—they already have their main partner. They may be more interested in having me be a more active secondary than I am ready to be—but that pressure is distinctly less than when someone is looking for a primary type relationship. Because they aren’t massively in the hunting phase, they tend to be more settled in general and that feels like security to me. I can come to them in a consistent way and they are more likely to be consistent. I get to have my cake (security) and eat it too (not have to actually commit). I guess it is a win/win situation for me.

This being said: how does this actually work out in my life? With one couple that I am dating, they have a wonderful welcoming vibe. They enjoy their time with me when it happens but they never push me for more time. They have the most mellow approach to dating me that I can imagine. Seeing them is a pleasure because it is enjoyed in and of itself with no expectations. I think part of the reason that it works so easily with them is that they have only been involved for less than two years and they are still riding the NRE wave on their own and they are less intense about pursuing outside people. Another couple has been married for years and years. They are very solid, yet I notice that they seem to have something that they are consciously looking for. Being told that I am the perfect hot bi babe that they have been looking for… worries me. Spending time with them is good, but I distinctly get the impression that I am just not doing it as often as they would prefer. It is difficult to manage my own feelings that I am letting them down, but that is my baggage to bear. I need to not try to carve out more time out of guilt. I would rapidly feel resentful. Another couple has been having a lot of problems in their relationship and when I interact with them I am overly conscious of that. I worry about any sort of comment from him that I am “so amazing” because I instantly want to say, “But she is so amazing in this way and that way and this other way! You are soooooo lucky that you have her!” I can’t accept any sort of compliment in a natural fashion. One couple is extremely poly and is constantly pursuing new people. I don’t feel like I am something they want so much as they need the constant variety. Another couple has more or less looked at me just to see how I fit into their lives as a third. I am deeply worried about only being considered as a means to fill a hole in their lives. Maybe, couples are likely to grab at a person trying to form a relationship too…

From couple to couple it also varies greatly in how much I interact with each person. Sometimes I will go on dates with the female partner more than the male partner. Sometimes I have sex almost solely with the male. Sometimes it seems that I don’t spend time with one without the other and I definitely don’t have sex with either without both present. With one couple that I have dated I spent a great deal of non-sexual time with the female partner and almost none with the male partner, but I had lots and lots of sex with the male partner and I only had sex with the female partner once over many months.

What are some of the pitfalls? As with dating single people, every relationship is different and when you are dating a couple the dynamics are just insane. I do actually have to worry about people wanting more from me than I can give. Can I be the hot bi babe of their fantasy? Some couples are really looking to form a triad, can I give them the amount of time and energy that they want? Are they looking for a permanent connection that involves raising their children or the possibility of having children with me? These are very serious considerations! I guess I really have shot to hell my theory that couples represent less commitment. Yeah. And then you get into situations where the additional person wants more than the couple. I want to have kids. Most couples have either had their children and are not interested in having more with an additional person or they don’t want children at all. My opinion of this may be influenced by the ages of people that I end up dating. I suppose if I became involved with a couple that was more my age then I wouldn’t be running into people who have already had their kids. There aren’t very many stable couples my age looking to add a third though. 🙂 None of this is easy to figure out.

So there are certainly disadvantages to seeing couples, but overall it seems to be worth it for me, especially at this stage of my life. Maybe part of what I am getting out of it is that I tend to prefer dating people who are older than me. Often, people who are much older than me who have not managed to be coupled seem to have noticeable reasons that they are not coupled and those are reasons that I would not want to stay with them seriously as well… Whereas couples seem to have this aura of “See! We are both stable enough to have a relationship!” This has proven to be an incorrect thought more than once, but it perseveres. Often there is the issue of wanting one half of the couple more. It

And then we get to the nitty gritty of sex! Goodness. Ok, the variations on how this works out would take too long to write. Forget it.