Flirting is a strange animal. People lately have been mentioning that flirting means one thing to them and another to someone else. Some won’t flirt unless they have interest in going to bed with someone, others will flirt with anyone and it is just a friendly thing. For me it is somewhere in the middle. Many of the people I flirt with I would potentially go to bed with if a huge list of factors were to change, but they aren’t likely to. So I just enjoy the flirting. I like flirting–it is good for the ego on both sides. Self-esteem can generally use all the bolstering it can get.
I try really hard to keep perspective about my flirtations. That they are going >————–< this far and no farther. In my attempt to keep from building sandcastles in the air. Doesn’t always work. That fresh burst of “maybe” is intoxicating. Usually I am able to be objective and say, “Well–they have ‘x’, ‘y’, and ‘z’ going that will probably mean it won’t get that serious. Thusly I work at keeping a lid on my emotions. Sometimes, not very often, I can’t find anything wrong with someone immediately and then… whoa. Those flirtations are scary. The intoxication is overwhelming and… eeeeek!!
There has so got to be stuff wrong with the person. You just don’t know what it is yet. Is it inappropriate to say in emails, “I want to find out how quickly you are going to annoy me?”
I have been thinking about sex. (shocker, I know) But I have been thinking that maybe holding off on having any new partners for a while would be a good thing. Current partners should do cartwheels. This means I will be more likely to come back sooner. 🙂 Not a horrid thing I would think. I don’t remember who I was talking to, but someone was making cracks about me going to bed with someone on the first date. It felt weird to hear the comment. I don’t always. Ok, sometimes I really do… but yeah. I’m not actually a “sure” thing and I kind of don’t like the perception than I am. Noah and I talked yesterday about how he and I waited through about five weeks of dating. Anthony waited about that long. A few others have too. I just had a really slutty phase there… heh. I’m beginning to think once again about, “If it is worth doing it is worth waiting for,” and “You can’t have a future with someone until you have had a past with them.” If I want someone to just be a fuck buddy, it might as well happen quickly. I really don’t see why building a relationship matters that much. Maybe that is cold. If I think…maybe…I want to wait. Is that manipulative?
I was thinking the other day about “preRE”, the excitement of flirtation and possibility, and what-if, and, in my case, sandshanties in the air.
Manipulative, yes. But I don’t necessarily think that taking control of your life is necessarily a bad thing.
About flirting, I feel similarly. Except that I’m often flirting long before I’m consciously aware that that’s what I’m doing. Some things that might seem like maybe flirting to some people, just aren’t to others. I’ve had people tell me that I flirt a lot simply because I was talking to somone, nevermind the tone, topic, or body language. So for me it’s not so much an intent as it is a recognition of what I do.
For me flirting is plenty exciting even if I KNOW I’m not going to be sleeping with object of said flirting. It’s still new and fun. Everybody has crushes and they’re *fun*!!!!!!
As far as fuck buddies – I have a hard time envisioning that sort of thing – with all the bonding that goes along with sex – it’s hard for me to imagine being that detatched about it. So I’m not a good person to ask. But I answered anyway.
Flirting: I am a total flirt. I will flirt with just about anyone. Frequently there is some interest, but I am not really in any position to follow up.
“You can’t have a future with someone until you have had a past with them.” and I started as a one night stand. We have been together for almost 7 years and married for almost 3.
Ummmmmm.
My point is that you didn’t decide on the first night that you were going to have a future together. You were involved in a casual way for a while before you decided to make it serious.
Is that manipulative?
Yeah. But not in a bad way.
Sometimes, sex speeds up, rather than impedes, “building a relationship”.
One of the few things my human sexuality teacher has said that I actually find plausible (you can tell how much I like this class) is that uncertainty and lack of sex cause the hormones involved in NRE to get more intense. She takes this way too seriously, but at the basic level I think she has a point.
When you’re still in the questioning-waiting-agonizing state, everything is really intense, and it gets somewhat defused by sex – maybe not immediately, but eventually. Which says to me that if you want to do the hormonal bonding thing, waiting is a good thing. (Or if you get off on the exciting hormone and endorphin cocktail that is NRE, waiting can also be a good thing.)
If you don’t either want the body chemicals, or, on an intellectual level, to get to know someone well first, then yeah, go ahead would be my opinion.
re: flirting
I was raised as a Southern gal, and we’re pretty much taught how to flirt from the moment we’re born. Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating, but … flirting comes pretty naturally. Except there was flirting with intent, which took place when you were in the market (read: single) and flirting without intent when you were off the market (read: coupled). Everybody knew those rules and abided by them, and everything was cool. For the most part. Then, I come to California, Land of Poly, and … geez, the rules have changed and I’m not doing a good job of figuring out how I’m ‘spozed to know if someone’s flirting with intent or not. I’ve already embarrassed myself once by assuming the wrong thing, but fortunately the gentleman involved was (a gentle man, that is), and I got one of the nicest “just friends” replies I’ve ever received. So, yeah … flirting is a strange animal, and probably one I want to talk more about in my own journal. Soon.
re: manipulation
My personal definition of manipulation doesn’t appear to jive with some of the other comments you’ve received so far. In my world view, if you feel you need to wait to give yourself time to figure out what’s what, that’s not manipulation. But, if you wait because you’re doing some passive-aggressive control thing on the other person, you’re crossing the line. IMO, YMMV, and all dat jazz.
It’s not manipulative to take a wait-and-see attitude. I also don’t think it’s cold to say “Look, we’re not going to be more than fuckbuddies, so why wait?”