Clarification

When does something cross from being having sex to dating?

When does something cross from dating to being a relationship?

When does something cross from being a relationship to being a Relationship?

At what point in this process does “breaking up” become necessary?

7 thoughts on “Clarification

  1. ef2p

    When does something cross from being having sex to dating?
    When you start doing significant things together besides having sex. (ie Dinner, Movies, Hanging out…..)

    When does something cross from dating to being a relationship?
    When you start spending all you time together and it seem natural.

    When does something cross from being a relationship to being a Relationship?
    When you use the L-word.

    At what point in this process does “breaking up” become necessary?
    Depends on your definiton of breaking up. Saying ‘sorry I don’t want to sleep with you anymore.’ is a form of breaking up.

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  2. flavoroflove

    breaking up, or at least redefining things, is necessary if a relationship is such that sex or sexual affection is an assumed or important reason for spending time together. if get-togethers have been sporadic and casual, it would be reasonable to inform someone, the next time that they call, that you were no longer interested or available. If things have progressed to the point where mutual effort has gone into scheduling on an ongoing basis, initiating a specific conversation would be a caring approach.

    Reply
  3. shalyndra

    When does something cross from being having sex to dating?

    For me, it’s when I have a desire to meet and hang out with their friends, and do date-like or mundane activities, etc. but not as a thinly veiled prelude to sex.

    When does something cross from dating to being a relationship?

    I think this one is sort of nebulous. I suppose for me, it would be when I am no longer trying to impress them with a capital I, I wonder when they will call, but not if, and when they make regular appearances in my calendar.

    When does something cross from being a relationship to being a Relationship?

    You might be in a Relationship if…

    – You’ve met their parents, siblings, relatives, or childhood friends
    – You’ve made plans for something at least 3 months in advance
    – They feel like a natural part of your life
    – you own things together
    – etc.

    At what point in this process does “breaking up” become necessary?

    I’m of the opinion that “breaking up” becomes necessary when the two of you cannot or will not provide what the other is looking for, in the short term or long-term. This could be at any point in the process.

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  4. brian1789

    For me…

    “dating” is having recurring scheduled one-on-one time with someone. No assumption of sex as a part of that time, it might or might not be present.

    “relationship” is when there is both “dating” and some greater degree of emotional and/or physical intimacy. It gains a capital letter if it has the former (emotional intimacy) as well as longevity.

    “having sex” usually, for me, follows “relationship” rather than precedes “dating”. I’ve never done a pickup or one-night-stand, and my lifetime numbers of sexual contacts are still in the single digits.

    “breaking up” is when one or both parties give up on trying to work through their issues and difficulties, and reduce communications and end scheduled time together.

    Reply
  5. teamnoir

    When does something cross from being having sex to dating?

    To me, sex is pretty obvious.

    Whereas dating is about planning time together. If we schedule time to get together, we’ve made a date. Dates aren’t strictly related to sex or romantic interests. I can book a date with my mother or my brother. I can have sex with people I’m not dating, (thought that’s pretty rare for me), and I can date people with whom I have no intention of having sex. They aren’t necessarily related.

    When does something cross from dating to being a relationship?

    I believe that I have relationships with all things; rocks, trees, even people I haven’t met. So this isn’t necessarily a progression. The question for me would be, when does a relationship become one which involves dating, and I think I described that in the last question. It’s when we start scheduling time together.

    When does something cross from being a relationship to being a Relationship?

    I don’t usually use those words. If I’m scheduling someone regularly, either always having a date on the calendar in the future, or expecting to put one there soon, I say that I’m “seeing” the person, which is really short for “scheduling regularly or on a regular basis”.

    If we aren’t scheduling, or we aren’t doing it regularly, then I’m only sorta seeing them, or the relationship isn’t clear, imo. I usually call such people “friends”, though I often emphasize the word differently when I speak it.

    At what point in this process does “breaking up” become necessary?

    Again, in my opinion, it’s not necessarily a linear process nor does it necessarily move monotonically forward. People can grow closer, then further apart, then closer together again, and will do so repetitively over the life of a relationship. Even people in committed monogamous relationships go through these cycles.

    In a poly sense, I’m not sure anyone ever needs to “break up”. Instead, we just move to scheduling less and less frequently, until we don’t book anything in particular.

    I think “breaking up” is reserved for two particular cases.

    1. You specifically want to stop doing something with someone, be it scheduling time, sleeping together, submitting, or whatever.
    2. You think they have unfair or unreasonable expectations of you and you specifically want to disabuse them of those expectations.
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  6. internet_addict

    I think of “breaking up” as negotiating a decreased level of intimacy. Granted, it’s typically of the form “I don’t want to spend time with you any more.”

    From the point of view of “when is the formal process of breaking up necessary”, that really depends on the level of intimacy you’ve built up. Once the interaction goes from something that’s occasional to something that’s anticipated, some form of break up is going to be necessary to indicate that that anticipation is unwarranted: “I know you’ve been expecting to spend regular time with me, but it ain’t gonna happen like that.” It takes a bit of ritual to turn the expectation of something ongoing into disappointment.

    In short, rather than saying “this is the nature of our interaction”, I think it’s a matter of perception on each person’s part.

    Of course, once emotions get involved, everything is harder. The break up will become both messier and more necessary. Sometimes it takes “going cold turkey”. This is usually the case when it would hurt too much for one or both people to be reminded that they don’t have the same connection with the other person any more. Then there’s the other unfortunate possibility of one person not getting the clue. Cold turkey is good for that too.

    Any time two people get close, they start to bond with each other. Moving away from each other necessarily tears that bond, which can hurt. There’s no definitive point when it will or won’t happen.

    Sorry for the clinical language. It keeps the subject matter at arm’s length.

    Reply
  7. neverjaunty

    At what point in this process does “breaking up” become necessary?

    When you thought that it was a happy casual relationship and they turn to you with puppy eyes and say “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

    😉

    Short of that, geez, why not just ask them?

    Reply

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