Earlier today I went through some old journal entries from around the time when Tom ended our M/s. They were hard to read. I really feel that I tried so hard in that relationship. No matter what I was willing to compromise on, it was never enough. More than one person who loves me is expressing concern that I will do the same thing again. I’m afraid of that.
I watched a very sad movie tonight, “My Life Without Me.” The girl is my age and she dies of cancer within three months of finding it. She has two little girls. She made a list of the things she wanted to do before she died. Now I am thinking about death. What are the most important things in my life? Who are the most important people?
I’m going to go put my laundry away and cry. Just cause I am so freakin sad. I am so afraid of living and I am so afraid of death. What would I do if I had two beautiful little girls and I had to tell them goodbye? Is that a reason to be afraid of having kids?
I didn’t sleep last night. Just general anxiety and I don’t really know why. I am bone weary tonight, but I don’t think I will sleep much again. At least tonight I actually have something I am thinking about.
See. I don’t just think about sex. 🙁
lots of love and support sent your way dear.
I wish I could make it all getter for you. Please try and get some rest, I know its not always possible, but try.
From someone who’s stared death in the eye and screamed…
Live. Live recklessly. Each day, do those things you want to do before you die, but don’t worry about those you have to do. Love. Be creative. Don’t be afraid to start projects, be they model airplanes or families. Dance. Sing. Breath music, in or out, it doesn’t matter. Look at death, mourn for what you will miss, laugh because you are still alive, and move on. Look to yesterday not as a second gone, but as a day lived. It’s not a count down to when you die, it’s a count out from when you are borne. Burn the candle at both ends. When in doubt, singe the middle. When it’s all burning, relax! Sleep! Let it burn its self out in a glorious blaze of flame, and don’t worry about the mess. Burnt candles make surprisingly small ash heaps. And then, you can start with a clean slate. It’s the only way to live.
Love and all that jive,
-Anselm
I am going to sound like a total new-age wingnut proselytizer, but I have found The Power of Now to be a pretty good book, and helpful in terms of not getting so caught up in emotions and thoughts and negative patterns.
I’d really recommend giving it a read. Heck, I can try digging up a spare copy for you, if you’d like. It’s kind of along the lines of What the Bleep do We Know, but a bit different. There’s a little less quantum physics, for a start, but it’s still really good.
Man, I let “The Notebook” really get to me last night, so I can dig how you feel after watching a dramatic/depressing movie. I got a bit too wrapped up in it, which I have a problem with a lot of the time, but it’s something I’m working on so I don’t make myself sick so much. Ah, I dunno, I’m babbling at this point.
If you are choosing between death and living, I’d say live. I’ve experienced a coma but not actual death, so I may be biased here… 😉
Ignore my ability to be rather silly… Try meditating and grounding yourself if you are feeling lots of anxiety. Drinking herbal tea(s) is also soothing. The only other thing I’ve heard that’s good for anxiety is consuming pickles.