(special note: I hate updating through the website now. I really like my semagic. *pout*)

I have had a lot of time to think in the last month about things that are important to me in relationships. Ending/changing the relationships I had been in has caused me to think rather distinctly about what was I getting from them anyway? Why was I choosing to structure my version of poly the way I was? What is it that I needed that I didn’t get from Tom? What did I get from Tom? How does bdsm stuff fit into my life anyway? I have been out of my relationship with Tom for approaching eight months and the D/s in our relationship died more than a year before that and we barely played in the last year we had together. I have done a few scattered scenes with people in the past two years and a few partners (thank you Noah in particular) have tried to give me some of what I said I wanted and was looking for, but I haven’t had a relationship with a strong bdsm component really in about two years. That is a long time. It is really weird to think about it that way. I have not consistently played with a particular person in two years.

I hadn’t really stopped and thought that until just this minute. Wow. Given that bdsm is such a strong part of my identity I haven’t actually been following through on it. I have been conscious of missing it, but I’ve been trying not to think about it because I hate feeling bereft. I have managed to fulfill my needs for sex in the past year, but bdsm is different. I think that I have been noticing more that I had significant needs that weren’t being met. I think that is why I have been going to more bdsm events and that is why I was so very excited about the couple looking for a service girl.

In the past six months of living with Miss Jenny and Miss Sara I have discovered that I am not ok with just doing service to do service. I have had these major jags of feeling bitter and angry towards them after doing things for them. And then I realized that they had not asked for the service, expected the service, wanted the service…etc. So I was choosing to go out of my way to do something for them that they hadn’t wanted and then I was getting angry at them for it. Wow…. uhm. Yeah. Needless to say that I have stopped doing stuff when it makes me angry because it is total bullshit to be mad at them for things that they have no part in. *cough* Sometimes I’m slow though. I have no idea why I was feeling that way towards them though. I have been thinking about it a lot.

So there is this huge part of me that wants to do service, but apparently doing it for my housemates isn’t a good idea. And I hadn’t managed to feel right/good about it with the people I was dating. I think there was some component of not feeling special enough to the people to want to give them the gift of service. (I am not slamming anyone or saying that anyone did anything wrong. Everyone was wonderful and was wonderful to me in particular. These are my feelings.) I view my submission and my service as a significant gift that I give people. I get so much shit from people in the scene because they don’t view me as submissive, but they simply are not aware of the fact that they don’t see my submission because I don’t think they deserve it. I am incredibly picky about who I will serve. I think that if things had continued on the course they were on eight weeks ago I would have been pretty happy with the couple who wanted service. He in particular really understood how to value service and appreciate it for what it was. But then… yeah. The path changed.

So now I’m seeing Puppy. I have been doing so for a month. It has been an intense, overwhelming month. I am absolutely crazy about him. I feel special in a way that I haven’t in a very long time. I couldn’t even tell you how long. I feel the need to justify right now that I knew I was special to the people I have dated in the past year, but I think there was a distinct not-poly-pc part of my brain that was stuck in the mode of “I must not be that special if I am just one of many.” Yes I know that I am now kicked off the poly bus for even thinking that. But it is how I feel. Although, as I write it and reflect on it… I wonder if it was just about being one of many or the fact that I was never the primary. Hm. Because when Tom played with any of our friends I didn’t feel devalued. Hm. More ponderance needs to happen. Maybe I’m not kicked off the poly bus yet. Anyway. So we have been having these really interesting conversations. He has no real experience with D/s and is actually still somewhat new to the scene. I am teaching someone. HA! I can’t freakin believe my luck. And yet, it feels different. I’m not really teaching him; I am exploring with him. I have at no time dictated how I want things to be. We haven’t really worked any specific D/s interactions into our relationship but we talk about what aspects of D/s appeal to us. We are discussing generic future plans in general. It is really bizarre to be talking to someone who will finish grad school at about the same time as me and who wants to do most of the things I want to do in pretty much the same time frame. I am fighting my urge to panic because it is scary.

Today I have spent several hours cleaning his kitchen. I told him in advance that I was going to do it. He said sure. I have felt really good doing it. I like doing it because I know it will make his life easier. I like knowing that he will smile when he walks in and sees what I have done. He will feel special because I chose to spend my time this way. He is coming over to my house this week and we are going to figure out what is wrong with my alternator. I don’t have to be the only one to do things in the relationship. He likes to cook and I like making it easier for him to do so and I clean up after so that he doesn’t have to. I don’t know how to describe what this all means to me deep in the core of my being, but it feels different than it does when I do something for a friend. I feel like I am finding my place. But for now I am just going to swim along. Who knows what the future will bring. I can’t handle thinking about the future yet. Let’s just think about tonight. He wants to tie me up and beat me. I can’t wait.