Daddy,

Why did you hurt me? I don’t want to believe that I deserved it. But I must have or you wouldn’t have done it. Daddy’s don’t hurt their little girls, do they? Was I bad? What did I do wrong? How can I make it better Daddy? I promise I’ll be good. You will never have to yell at me or get mad at me again. Just don’t hurt me. I want you to love me.

I’m a big girl now Daddy, but you are still hurting me. You aren’t even here anymore and you hurt me. You hurt me inside my head. I can’t sleep Daddy. I haven’t been sleeping much at all lately. You are there when I close my eyes Daddy. Sometimes I want to think about you when I touch myself and it doesn’t scare me. But I haven’t been doing that lately because I get so scared inside when you are in my head like that. I feel like I am a dirty and disgusting person. I shouldn’t have liked it when you touched me there. I am just as horrible and awful as you said. It is a good thing you are gone Daddy. If you put the gun to my head now and asked me if I deserve to live I would have to tell you no.

There’s this boy Daddy. I think I’m in love with him. I’m afraid to love him though. I’m afraid to let him get close to me because if he gets close he will see how worthless I am. I don’t deserve to have someone as awesome as he is love me.

Daddy you left me. Why did you leave me? Would you have ever loved me? Would you have ever told me that you were sorry? I want to believe that you wouldn’t have hated me forever, but I don’t. I think that you hated me to the very last breath you took and that means that I hate me too.

Earlier today I went through some old journal entries from around the time when Tom ended our M/s. They were hard to read. I really feel that I tried so hard in that relationship. No matter what I was willing to compromise on, it was never enough. More than one person who loves me is expressing concern that I will do the same thing again. I’m afraid of that.

I watched a very sad movie tonight, “My Life Without Me.” The girl is my age and she dies of cancer within three months of finding it. She has two little girls. She made a list of the things she wanted to do before she died. Now I am thinking about death. What are the most important things in my life? Who are the most important people?

I’m going to go put my laundry away and cry. Just cause I am so freakin sad. I am so afraid of living and I am so afraid of death. What would I do if I had two beautiful little girls and I had to tell them goodbye? Is that a reason to be afraid of having kids?

I didn’t sleep last night. Just general anxiety and I don’t really know why. I am bone weary tonight, but I don’t think I will sleep much again. At least tonight I actually have something I am thinking about.

See. I don’t just think about sex. 🙁

Anna called me. She said that she has been avoiding me because she wasn’t ready to talk to me yet after our big fight–I called her on her birthday.

It was a really good conversation. We talked for an hour and a half. We talked about how we have each felt let down and treated poorly by one another. We talked about how sad we have felt when we feel like we aren’t living up to our end of being a good friend. I told her that she shouldn’t put me on a pedastal and just assume that however I treat her is ok, often I am a bitch and she should call me on it. She cried a lot. It was good. She told me that she had been afraid to tell me that she was moving because I would say it was a bad idea and she didn’t want to hear it even though she knows it is true. I told her that it doesn’t matter what I think. She has to live her life and be ok with her choices, not me. I will love her no matter what. She cried. She said that she felt like we aren’t very close any more and it hurts her. I told her that she and I will go through phases where we talk a lot and live in one another’s back pockets and everything will be peachy and fabulous. And sometimes we will fight every time we talk to each other and we will need to go long periods without much contact. But we will come back. Cause we love each other. She cried.

I’m really glad that I feel like I have my friend again.

written in class…

Anonymous.

Yeah. Anonymous like.

Post something. Post anything you want, a song, a story, a comment, a fantasy, a question, or a criticism. You don’t have to be nice to me. Though of course, I would prefer that you are… If you hurt my feelings I will try to not take it too personally cause you don’t have the nerve to actually say it to my face.

I really liked the last time I did this. I got some great masturbation fodder and I could use more of that. Being all monogamous like and only seeing my partner a few days a week is frustrating.

But you don’t have to say anything dirty. 🙂 Anything you like. Really. This is going to be public for a week or two. Have fun.

What is your full name: Kristine Lenora Archer. No one try to blackmail me, please.
What color pants are you wearing now: black sweatpants (HA! I’m just like my friend. 🙂
What are you listening to right now: the beating of my heart
What are the last two digits of your phone number: 83
What was the last thing you ate: honey nut cheerios (though they are Trader Joe’s brand, not the commercial label)
If you were a crayon what color would you be: pink
How is the weather right now?: Gray and dismal
Last person you talked to on the phone: Puppy
The first thing you notice about a guy/girl: Hair
Do you like the person who sent this to you: I think the girl I stole this from is very nice.
How old are you today: 23
Favorite drink: OJ
Favorite alcoholic drink: Hmmm… I tend to drink a lot of Kamikaze’s.
Favorite Sport: sport fucking.
Hair color: brown
Eye color: brown. I am so boring.
Do you wear contacts: Naw, I’m too cheep.
Siblings: I have a half sister and a full brother still living.
Favorite month: October
Favorite Food: Thai
Last movie you watched: The Incredibles with Miss Jenny
Favorite day of the year: Christmas
Are you too shy to ask someone out: Depends. I am sometimes.
Summer or Winter: Winter.
Hugs or Kisses: Yes.
Chocolate or Vanilla: I’m a vanilla girl.
Do you want your friends to answer this too? I don’t really give a shit. Is anyone else procrastinating?
Who is most likely to respond? Uhm… I have a few friends who do a lot of meme’s.
Who is least likely to respond? The people who don’t check lj often.
What books are you reading? Middlemarch
What did you do last night? I had class. I talked to Puppy on the way home. Then I stopped in and spent a little time with friends.
Favorite Smells? vanilla, lavender, cookies baking, skin warmed in the sun.
Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no
Who or what inspires you? today I’m not feeling inspired.
butter plain or salted popcorn? I don’t like popcorn much
Favorite Flower: Roses
What is the first thing you think of when you wake-up in the morning: What time is it?

To all the lovely people who expressed concern last night I am sorry I was so exasperated in your direction. I think your support felt a little too intense given the actual severity of the news I received. It isn’t as if I am suicidal over this issue. My lasting health is not actually impacted. I am not in any danger and neither are any of my partners. So yeah.

But I do still feel a bit ickier. A lovely boy tried to give me a kiss goodbye and I turned my head away. I think I’m going to be keeping my mouth to myself for a little while. Puppy isn’t going to like it, but I need a little space for at least a few days.

Puppy has been really awesome. He has had a partner with HSV2 and studiously avoided contact with the “afflicted” area because he didn’t want to catch any bugs. He has really had very few partners and has been quite safe. In a fit of white knighthood he told me that he isn’t terribly worried that I have HSV1 and HPV because he loves me and is really ok with taking risks to be with me. He says: “You are a wonderful person who has a couple of mild chronic infections. Unfortunately they are communicable but if I had to list all the diseases I got from my brothers we’d be here all night and I still love those little rascals. I’ll love you even if I have to put up with a couple cold sores.” I thought this was a combination of really awesome and stupid. What if I had something worse? Would he charge in and say the same thing? It isn’t as if we are making life long commitments at this point… what about the health of his potential future partners? Shouldn’t he worry about them as much now as he has in the past? But then again, given the percentages of humans who have what I have… not a huge worry. I don’t have something “serious.” I have things that are no more dangerous to me than having strep throat or mono or appendicitis. Probably less dangerous at this point. The HPV was a bigger risk while it was active–but it has been dealt with and it is unlikely to ever be an issue again. So yeah.

I am simultaneously talking myself into thinking it isn’t a big deal and feeling bad about the situation. I am such a freak. So far I have had two people be nasty, two be very concerned and want more information, and two people who told me “I wouldn’t even tell anyone about this because it isn’t a big deal. Don’t worry about it.” Why are these things traveling in two’s? Everyone else has been awesome and supportive. Four people are unwilling to ever kiss me again. You know what… yeah. That’s like nothing. I think I will be more of a freak about new people. And I am going to avoid kissing at the Plough. I am so into disclosure that I’m not sure how I will handle this. No kissing unless I announce I have herpes? Great. Most people will probably shrug it off, but yeah. It sucks. It does actually bother me that a lot of people have said, “Oh, me too.” Hey! You could have said something! But I think I am weird about disclosure.

Want

To balance the genders.

Like lots.

wow. The random one-off people are being by far the nastiest about the news.

I hate telling people this.

Just talked to my doctor.

Guess what. I guess that PP hasn’t been doing me right when I have asked for Herpes testing in the past. Either that or I have just recently contracted it… this is more doubtful though.

I have HSV 1. It is generally thought to be oral, but it can be spread genitally as well. So kissing me is just as dangerous as going down on me. Ha. I’m sorry everyone.

That’s two STI’s. Wow. I am a regular walking biohazard.

Much time has been spent with the Puppy. He is amazing and I feel so happy when I am with him.

A bump has been discovered. I’m not sure how big the bump is. It isn’t a personality conflict. It isn’t something that is “wrong.” Just something to think about and decide if I am ok with making that compromise. Hm.

(I have friends in these areas.)

WE WON!!!

The SF Superior Court ruled that that the state’s exclusion of same-sex couples from civil marriage is unconstitutional.

Take Action Tonight in Your Local Community to Celebrate this Historic Marriage Decision!

The following Equality California chapters and allied organizations are hosting a community celebration in support of today’s historic ruling in support of marriage equality.

If your area isn’t hosting something formal, throw your own party!!

Fairfield: Gather at 5:30pm the County Admin Building across from courthouse on Texas Contact Jeff at 707-208-0284 or email solano@marriageequalityca.org.

Los Angeles: Two meeting points! Your choice. 1) Gather and celebrate at the Abbey in West Hollywood (on Robertson, just south of Santa Monica Blvd.) at 6 PM (contact L.J. Carusone: lj@eqca.org; 310-625-1481), or 2) Gather and celebrate at Bienestar 5326 E. Beverly Blvd., 90022, at 6 PM (contact Mario Guerrero: mguerrero@bienestar.org; 626-628-5219).

Sacramento: Meet at the Lambda Center, 1927 L St at 20th and L. Gather at 5:30pm – Contact Steve Hansen at (916) 501-0525

San Francisco – Gather at Harvey Milk Plaza at 5pm, March at 5:30pm Rally at San Francisco City Hall at 6pm Local leaders in the marriage equality movement will speak about this decision and the overall issue of the freedom to marry. Contact Molly McKay at 510-332-0872 or Kelly Hart at 415-377-0147 or email Molly@eqca.org

Stay Tuned…more local community events will be announced as they are organized!

See You There!

May I mention how frustrating it is that I want to masturbate like crazy but it isn’t a good idea at this point?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can barely walk. Heh. Fun.

I have to take a moment to say that there isn’t often when I look in the mirror and think, “Damn. I look good.”

Right now. Damn. I look good. These pants make my ass look remarkably good.

Even I would fuck me.

I defined “date” as: Have gone out on a date with. Not just people that I have had a Relationship with.
Kissing includes pecks, not just tonsil hockey.

boot_slut‘s LiveJournal Slut Stats The below percentages indicate what boot_slut has done with the 159 people on her friends list!

met 93.7% hugged 89.9% dated 24.5% kissed 32.7% seen topless 56.6% seen naked 50.9% phone sexed 1.9% made out 20.8% oral sex 12.6% fucked 12.6%

What are your LiveJournal Slut Stats? Sponsored via Adult Friend Finder. Keep this meme and others like it checking it out or getting free account! You may meet the match of your dreams!

Walking is painful. I had a great scene with Boymeat. (Scene report should be coming, but I have some work to get done first. Sorry.)

I loved my first single-tailing from the Puppy.

Uhm. Monogamy has officially begun. Uhm. Yeah. It’s uhm good. 🙂 Yeah. Uhm. MisterAJC- yeah the test run went well. So did the second test run just to be sure. And the third was even better. *big cheesy grin*

Then we got to spend time this morning just being together. It was awesome. He is a really good cook.

And then I came home to new rope from Monk!!!! And a steel ring for suspension. I am so excited.

And tonight I get to pick the Puppy up again and then pick up Miss Anamorphosis and go to the Fetish Ball! Yayyyyyy!!!!!

I’m sure there will be more uhm test run’s afterwards. *big cheesy grin*

And in 23 hours my labia will get pierced. This is nerve wracking. EEEEEEEeeeeeeek. But I’m excited.

In the past 16 days the Puppy and I have exchanged 53 emails. This is since we switched to normal email from tribe. Probably like 6 multi hour phone calls. And we have had 4 “dates” and we have slept in the same bed 3 times. Good lord this has snowballed fast.

Anyway.

So–today I have school. Ew.

Tomorrow I am picking up the gorgeous Miss Anamorphosis in the evening and we are heading to the city to try on bondage gear and pick up our tickets. I have no idea if she plans to spend any more time than that with me. We haven’t discussed it. I will do something or other to kill a couple of hours in the city before a party. I’m not sure which party I am going to yet, it depends on Boymeat. Who I may or may not play with. (Although–ironically, he and I have played one time last year at the event that is going on this weekend in Portland.) If we don’t end up playing I may end up coming home early-ish to rest up for Saturday.

Saturday I will do my best to sleep in. If I don’t manage to I will probably head to the city for the munch. Then I will hang out with someone or other or I will find a place to sit and read for a few hours. Then: The Fetish Ball. I have never been to a fetish event of this magnitude. It really is a major dress up event in the Fetish world. yay. It will be fun! 🙂 I plan to try and stay up long enough to go to the after party. Random expects me. (That is a person.) We’ll see how awake I am. In any case I will sleep at the Puppy’s house. He expects me to show up late and wake him up. We plan to have sex. *Gasp* So I may not get any sleep at all before I get up and go to the city at…

11am on Sunday to have my labia pierced. Yes. You heard me right. I am having my outer labia pierced. Hell yeah. I hear this is one of the most painful piercings. *gulp* Puppy is coming with me and will be holding my hand. He will then take me back to his house and we will snuggle on the couch and watch a movie cause I won’t want to move around very much. In the afternoon/early evening he will run off to work and I will head south to meet up with Noah and crew. Yay.

Monday I will be demo’ing gear at the Metal Bondage class in the city. Afterwards I will run away to Death Guild because a certain person IS HAVING HIS BIRTHDAY THERE AND HASN’T TOLD ANYONE CAUSE HE IS A DORK.

Oh, oops. Sorry about yelling that. 😉

On Tuesday I will see my Puppy again. I think I like this multiple dates in a week thing. {insert silly hearts here.}

So in the past 40-ish hours I have been with the Puppy for all but about 9 hours. How in the world did that happen? And how did I never get irritated with him? And why was it so freakin hard to let him leave? And he didn’t want to leave–I basically had to push him out the door because he really needed to go to work. We are both a bit blown away by this. And before he will step out the door he has to ask, “When do I get to see you next?”

For the past two nights I have been having trouble sleeping… but not because I am having trouble sleeping. Because I keep initiating sex in my sleep and then we do some serious making out and heavy petting and then we both kind of screech with frustration and pull away and try to go back to sleep. I think we are both about ready to stop waiting. HA! We need to have sex because we need to be able to freakin sleep! And right now… yeah… we are both feeling a wee bit frustrated with wanting one another and not following up on it. It’s been a little bit since I have had sex with anyone. I am about to crawl the walls. He asked me a question this morning that was uhm…. kind of hard for me to answer. He said, “Since this is potentially your last chance for a while to have sex with other people, why aren’t you going nuts sleeping with as many of your partners as possible?” “Because I don’t want sex. I want to have sex with you.” His ego is getting out of control. Ha. 🙂 It is kind of weird. Because I have been thinking about the fact that this really is likely to be my last chance to sleep with others for a while and I just don’t want to. I have been thinking longingly about Noah and Akien in particular as I am about to kill the motor on my poor Hitachi, and yet… I don’t want to call them. I don’t know why. I somehow seem to think it would be disloyal–even though it wouldn’t be.

Our conversation about female partners was rather heated as well. He gave me the “girls don’t count” line about continuing my relationships with women and was a bit blown away by how vehemently I informed him that yes they do count and he should be more worried by my being with women than by my being with men. It was quite a conversation. Eventually we reached the conclusion that though women don’t hit the same insecurity sensors in his brain, I consider monogamy monogamy. And that is that. So yeah. It was interesting.

This could be a long thing. That is terrifying me, yet I feel so comfortable with him. Just breathe. I am so glad that there are some big factors that are preventing this from getting any more intense than it already is. Namely: we both have insane schedules and we just aren’t able to spend any more time together than we do. Although I have basically reached the conclusion that I probably won’t be doing any Renn Faire’s this summer. I have so much going on already and I think it would be more stress for me than fun. Not to mention that I can’t make any pryactices before the summer is well under way and my perfectionist nature doesn’t like to think about going as part of a performance troupe when I don’t know the dances. I am starting to look into summer job type things because it will be nice to have more money and stuff to do when the semester ends. I am actually thinking that after spring break I will start looking for a job anyway just because scheduling didn’t end up the way I had anticipated and I have a little more time than I really need to sit around. And I want toys. 🙂 I’m thinking about taking off for spring break though, so I’m not going to do it before then. It seems really weird to me that there are only two weeks of school left after spring break. I should probably do a bunch of homework next two weeks and be basically done for the semester by spring break. That wouldn’t suck. And I have Wednesdays and Thursdays back. (After looking at my green sheets…)

This is my challenge to myself: I want to be completely done with all possible assigments (there is one I can’t do yet) by March 24th. This gives me 15 days. I have at least 7 days in which I can spend 6+ hours on this work. I can do this. No problem. And then I can delightfully slack for the remaining 3 weeks. 🙂 Yay! I like challenges.

Oh: I have been going to the gym a lot. I am sore. I also feel a bit better than I have been feeling. It is goodness. Due to funkiness about food selections I have had meat like 5 times in the past 6 weeks and I’m ok with that, but I am still trying to avoid meat in general. I don’t know how much longer this is going to go on. I’m feeling physically really good though. I think part of it is that I have been putting good stuff into my body through trying really hard to be consciously balanced in my eating.

I am so infatuated and happy and giggly and absolutely delighted with life right now.

We went wine tasting today after snuggling and having the most amazing non-penetrative sex I’ve ever had all night. We basically didn’t sleep. No one was penetrated at all. But I would classify what happened very firmly as sex. It was emotional and hot and fantastic.

This is so wonderful.

We talked and talked and talked about how we each feel about relationships we have had. We talked about my being bipolar. We talked about what we have each traditionally done in our relationships to keep our partners happy. We talked about what we want in the future. We talked about what we both think D/s means. We went through comrpomises that are ok and that aren’t.

I love his humor. I love his smile. He has the sweetest smile. Oh god.

Have I mentioned that when I call him Puppy he barks? OHMYGOD it is the cutest thing ever. And he barks when I meow. It is really sweet.

What am I getting into?