I have lots of mood swings. Everyone will agree on this one, right?

Yeah. Anyway

So. I think that part of the reason I have so many mood swings is because I am continually striving to be happy. There are frequently reasons to be irritated or sad or upset, and I work really hard at not staying in those emotions. So it seems like I go in and out of them often. Other people often/usually carry these feelings for much longer periods than I do.

So really–my mood swings are more a symptom of me trying to be happy than of negative stuff. Given that I am going to try and have this perspective on it, I guess my next goal is to try and not let the icki things whack me quite so hard. You can never get rid of bad things or feelings, but I do try to not wallow in them. 🙂

In trying to explain something to Puppy about my processing of pain I figured something out.

It isn’t that I can’t handle pain. I can take some serious pain. It is that my skin is extremely sensitive and I get overwhelmed by sensation very easily–even sensation that isn’t very painful. I HATE taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap with a cane. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Even if the sensation is pretty subtle. I will do anything to get away from that feeling.

I need to have a few seconds between impacts, but if you build slowly I will take far harder strokes than you thought I would be able to. Just let me breathe.

The “freak out” that most people don’t know what to do with is just me being overwhelmed. It’s not that I’m in pain. So let me breathe, and then hit me again.

I want to get it out. But I don’t think I can find the words to flesh it out. Bare bones:

Yes, we brought the liquid nitrogen. Yes, it was a very spectacular scene to watch. It was on ok scene to be part of. It was a really shitty scene by the end as he got caught up in the ‘audience’ and forgot I existed. And then, cause I was upset he spent the rest of the night beating himself up and being upset. So I’m trying to talk him out of a temper tantrum when I feel shitty anyway.

There were several shitty hours in the middle. Then we tried to play again to see if we could end the night on a better note. It went pretty well. But he can’t push me. He reads all of my ‘in pain’ signals as distress and stops. And he is still upset and beating himself up.

Now, I can’t really sleep to make up for the very little sleep last night and I feel shitty. I think this qualifies as a bump. 🙁

Advice for 15 year old girls.

http://thestranger.com/current/savage.html

http://www.thestranger.com/specials/savage/15.html

He has extra stuff too.

I will be at this party tonight. If you have been thinking about going to a kink event, but you are nervous for whatever reason…. this is a great night to go. The party should be awesome!!! Not to mention that you will get to see the spectacular sight of me having liquid nitrogen poured on me while I am suspended. (Dude. You seriously have to see this.) This is my journal. I get to pretend that the party is about me here…

If you live near the bay… I’m sorry I didn’t announce sooner… but yeah. Come anyway. 🙂 *smooches*
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SF Citadel presents:
San Francisco: The Next Generation’s

Return to Eden
a Whippersnappers play party hosted by PurrVerse

Friday, April 29th
9 pm til 2 am
$20 admission

Spring has sprung… the weather is warmer, flowers and trees shower us with color… and thoughts turn to… another play party at the Citadel, of course! Please join us for the second TNG party, Return to Eden, a celebration of spring, shamelessness and kinky play. The SF TNG is a youth run and organized group for kinky people between 18 and 35. Dryads, fauns, goddesses and gods, come welcome in the spring with Adam, Eve, the Serpent, and the apple of your eye at the SF Citadel!
Youth energy and creative attire for this event are encouraged but not required.

245 8th street
between Folsom and Howard
(the white building with the big red heart on 😉

visit- www.sfcitadel.org/

I am quite sad. I took my piercings out. They are infected. I have been cleaning and doing what I was supposed to for 9 weeks. I’m done. I’m sick of them hurting all the time and being gross.

I really don’t seem to be meant to have metal.

I have been posting stuff about my relationship to my highest level sex filter. I decided that may not be the best option.

I am going to have a filter that is my schmoopy-love-sex-bdsm relationship building stuff with Puppy. This is your chance to opt in. Speak now, or miss all the juicy stuff. (Hey lurkers, this means you.) I will screen the comments so that those of you who are shy don’t have to feel bad about saying that you want in. And no one should feel bad about not wanting in. 🙂

These entries will probably be noted by the new icon. 🙂

Excitement! I feel excitement!

First off: I had one of the most thrilling nights I can imagine. I was in the middle for a while, then on the end of a fabulous pile of amazing people who did lots of fun stuff. I am polite enough to not detail what though. Suffice to say that I came home horny.

Ate, talked with my Puppy a bit in a somewhat idle fashion. Eventually he had me sit down across from him and he said that there was something he wants to give me. But he is really nervous about it. Uhm… (I think it is going to be my collar. So I just sit there all quiet like.) He pulled it out of his pocket. He said, “I know how you feel about reusing things (hot button) and I know how you feel about symbols (very important to me) so I’m worried that you will think this is bad.” It was a gold ring on a leather cord. Obviously his former wedding ring. “When I took this ring off I thought it would kill me. It is the symbol of my love and fidelity and I thought I would never give those things to anyone again. But in you I have found more than I ever thought I could find. I would like you to wear this as a symbol of our relationship.”

There were a few more things, but you guys don’t get to hear about everything. Uhm. Yeah. I’m pretty happy to wear it.

This morning we had a conversation about reusing things and how that kind of plays out in my head. I told him that I probably would have been upset if he had given me her ring, because that was something that had belonged to someone else. He was instead giving me something that was only his and had been part of him. This seems ok with me. I didn’t have my instant recoil that I usually have when I feel like something is being recycled. It really was his symbol and I don’t feel bad about that.

I’m going to monitor my feelings about this for a while.

Then other things happened. But you knew that.

Ok, I know I have at least a few people who do fetish stuff on my friends list.

This is from a message I got today:
I do mostly custom work right now which is why I don’t have a pricelist on my site. basic dresses start around $250, tops and skirts around $150 for latex. Cinchers run $200, overbusts $350.

I should have a lot more photos up next month of new designs, so make sure to check back.

I am currently working on a line that will be available through my site in standard sizes (up through 1X) hopefully by Christmas.

Thanks!
Penny
www.lustdesigns.com

Her work is really good. I am impressed. Please, pass along her info. 🙂

He went and took a shower while I typed up that post and I started breakfast. When he came out we talked again.

I told him that I don’t want him “sucking it up” because he thinks it will make me happy. If he really has a problem with something I would rather he tell me about the problem and we can deal with that.

He then admitted to a couple of different things. Hhe has a scene planned with his ex that he agreed to about five months ago. He knew that he would have one or two play dates with another friend because they had already discussed them. Outside of that he doesn’t intend to or want to negotiate for any other play outside of our relationship. He feels sad that I am enough for him but that he doesn’t seem to be enough for me. Here we get to the standard mono/poly difficulty.

First off: I don’t actually bottom to people often. I have done a little bit of rough sex with most of my partners in the last year but it wasn’t what I or Puppy would consider “bottoming.” Actually bottoming has been done with ten people including Puppy. And of those people, six of them it was only one scene and two of them it was two scenes. It isn’t as if I bottom very often or very casually. Ok, and Dad put four needles in my breasts as we sat around his house one day. I suppose that is bottoming as well. And I demo’ed in Fifth Angels class. I guess that might count too if we are really pushing shit.

Dude. It isn’t as if playing with a lot of people is a major part of my life. I would love to continue to have a once a year scene with Boymeat (next time no one will be interfering, I promise!). I am going to play with Julia, which about rocks my world. I would play with Bridgett if she asked. I am willing to bet I am not going to any cons or up to Seattle anytime soon so that leaves out a whole mess of people. I would play with Dad if he wanted to. I really can’t think of anyone else who is on my “I need to play with them” list. There are lots of people with whom it is fun, but that is far from mandatory.

So of the people that I believe I will probably play with at some point I can think of: Julia, Boymeat, Bridgett, and Dad. No one else gets an automatic pass. None of these people live in the same state as me so they aren’t exactly likely to be a constant source of stress for him. Playing with Julia will be the first time in several years. Bridgett and I play about every 18 months or so. Boymeat and I have managed once a year for the past two years. I play with Dad about once a year. I think these exceptions would be ok with Puppy.

I think I’m going to stop negotiating for bottoming to men other than the two listed exceptions. He doesn’t seem to feel any anxiety at all about me playing with women, but it really bothers him to think about me bottoming to other men.

I don’t think it is unreasonable. It isn’t as if he is trying to shut me off entirely from my friend network. It isn’t as if he wants me to stop being friends with the men in my life (I mean dude: he came home and Noah was in my bed. Not exactly a serious stress case.) he just wants our play and sex to be special. I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around why that is wrong.

And yes Pandora, I really would be happier if he is happy. If my behavior is causing him stress and anxiety and misery I will not be happy with it. Especially a consideration that really won’t hurt me to give.

Tonight is NIN night at BaGG.

There is significant commentary that multiple members of the band will be there and potentially Trent.

Uhm. Was anyone planning to go? I’m not actually a NIN groupie… but it could be kind of cool…

Puppy and I talked this morning about limits with other people. After about half an hour he just wanted the conversation to end. I am starting to feel kind of bad for bringing up so many options of things to do with people that he has never even thought of.

Sexual limits with girls: everything is fine except them using a strap-on to fuck me in the ‘boy’ method. He wants that method of sex to be special to him. Yes, using the dildo by hand is fine.

Sexual limits with boys: nothing exists below my belly button. And I’m not supposed to touch anyone else “down there” either. Ok, maybe feet. But not knees or calves. Except in very specific cases of massage and those he should know about in advance. *sigh*

He wants to talk to people before I play with them, just to get a feel for them. Then he wants to talk to me privately about it. All negotiating after that is done with me.

He doesn’t seem to want to put restrictions on what kind of play I am allowed to do, but he is also really easy to upset in thinking about it. 🙁 I talked about things like D/s, humiliation, significant pain, aftercare stuff… He doesn’t want to disallow anything, but it is really obviously hurting him to just think about it happening. It might be easier if he just said no.

I really get the impression that we will both be happier if I just don’t play with other people.

I was feeling idealistic about poly at one point. Heh. I like this story and I want to be able to locate it online.

I had no title for this. (Happy poly stuff with sex and bdsm)

As good of a transcription as I came up with of when I told Noah the things from my childhood. It was the first time I had really sat down and tried to tell all of the details like this.

Disturbing content.

I have been thinking lately that I should have some of this stuff posted. So here it is. This is a story that I wrote last year. I call it a “story” but really it is the best retelling I can make of what happened to me. Call it creative fiction. I put a frame on it that is “story” just because I didn’t know how to launch into it.

Seriously disturbing content.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=5575416763&ssPageName=STRK:MEWA:IT#ShippingPayment

So, you want to know what Puppy looks like?

http://sanfrancisco.tribe.net/template/pub%2CViewPhoto.vm/context/pcard?page=2&currentoffset=7&parentid=9864761e-6d92-4825-8768-472d186a0444&sortby&rows&r=1053

That was taken the night I first saw him. My thought? “Damn that boy needs to have a woman dress him.”

http://sanfrancisco.tribe.net/template/pub%2CViewPhoto.vm/context/pcard?page=1&currentoffset=4&parentid=9864761e-6d92-4825-8768-472d186a0444&sortby&rows&r=10535

But he is actually cute. 🙂 Still working on the whole dressing him thing. 🙂 {Insert shmoopy hearts here.} (I need an icon of the two of us kissing. I need to ask friends to take pictures. 🙂

I was scanning through my friends list and I realized that there are a rather large number of people on my friends list that I don’t really know. Many others I suspect don’t actually read my journal anymore, but they are worried about the politics of “unfriending” people.

I am going to be pruning my friends list. It is not a statement that I hate you. It really is not. If I hated you I would have ditched your sorry ass long ago. Instead, this is just my way of having a better idea of who is actually reading my journal. I have filters largely so that I can know who has what information and if you never read it there is no point in giving you access to it.

If you do actually read and want to keep reading, this post is your chance to say, “Hey! I really was here! I was just here…. quietly…” 🙂

Comments are screened so that you don’t have to let the whole world know what you want to say to me.

I suppose this could also be a good time to say random things to me in general. 🙂

Clarification on something:

I would never be ok with my vanilla friends having to ask Puppy’s permission to be my friend or to have our normal interactions. I feel that would be nonconsensually involving people in our relationship and in my opinion that is a boundary violation. If at any time there is any restriction on my behavior or interactions it is my issue to deal with. Never one for my vanilla friends.

There is still negotiation happening wondering if scene people will have to speak to him before playing with me (we have narrowed this down to understanding that I am still the one doing the actual negotiations) but it has not been decided on.

I will never never never never ever expect people who are not in the scene to have any regard for my scene interactions. That is my business. In my opinion it would be like requiring you to play a part in my sex life. Though it might be ok with you if you did play a part in my sex life, it is not ok with me to require that of anyone.

Make sense?

Oh. And cause people keep asking. Yes. He has a name. It is Phil. But you can call him Puppy. It’s really ok. 🙂 He is starting to introduce himself as Puppy. I can’t believe I have had this much influence in such a short period of time…

How much do I suck. I’ve been trying to decide. See, I feel shitty about showing up an hour late to pick up three of my favorite people in the world last night from the airport. But they aren’t mad at me and think it’s ok. (I fell asleep, it was late.) I have finally rationalized it in my head. I did show up. So I don’t monumentally suck. Just a little bit. 🙂

I suppose that is a resolution of sorts. 🙂

Anyway. 🙂

Puppy has decided that if anyone has doubts about my level of interest in service that they should go talk to him cause he will set them straight. I think he was impressed by coming home on Saturday to a spic and span house when he had left a wreck. 🙂 Just one of the many perks of dating me. Aside from the near constant sex of course. *grin* Yesterday a friend asked Puppy’s permisison before he gave me a present. Puppy was grinning for the rest of the day. He felt all acknowledged as a dominant. I thought it was quite hilarious. Thank you Andrew dear. It is interesting to have rules in place now that I have never dealt with before. Puppy wants to have rules about people going through him for stuff that I’ve always just been autonomous about before. It is going to take getting used to. We are still finishing up the D/s contract but the higher levels of protocol involve me not being able to give or receive things or embrace/kiss anyone without permission. This is going to be a difficult adjustment for me. And for my friends. I explained to him that some of my friends are going to have to adjust to not being able to grab me at will because it has always been ok. (Most of the time it is ok still. I have no idea how I am going to signal this to people.) But seeing that we do actually have fairly compatable levels of interest in D/s has made me all swoony.

The birthday party was way lots of fun. And getting up in the morning and making omelets to order was very fun for me. 🙂 There was some very yummy action during the evening that I am supposed to relay details of…. not sure I actually will though. We made some very sweet gentle love… Not that exciting to tell about. Very exciting to do though. *beem* (ok, so there was a twist. But only those who were at the party know what I was handed when we went back there. So only they know about that bit. All I have to say is, “Hail Skippy!”)

🙂

The weekend was pretty awesome. I do love my Puppy time. We had been building a sandcastle in the air for the past few days that isn’t going to happen. Is ok. Looks like tonight we will be heading over to the city for the rope bondage practice session. He wants to hang me from the rafters. Yay!

I am a happy girl.