I’ve had many prompts to think about my identity in the last few days. I’ve thought about what it means to me to be a slut. I’ve thought about how my self-perceptions have changed over the years. I have thought about the different mirrors of who I am, and what completely different views they present and I’ve wondered which of them are most true?
In the eyes of people who have known me for years and years, I am still very harsh and abrasive. My family still defaults to abrasive to describe my personality and it is a word that many old friends still use pretty often. When I have used the word to describe myself recently though, many of the people who have met me in the last year say that they don’t think it fits. I have been told that I am blunt, and extremely honest–but not abrasive. I fight the thought that I am a wussy hypocondriac despite the fact that I have had many doctors yell at me because I take far more pain than I should because I don’t want to admit that I am having a problem. I won’t see a doctor until the problem is really significant and even then I still drive myself because I will not ask anyone for help. Even when I really shouldn’t be driving.
I feel like I am needy and clingy and whiney. It doesn’t make sense to me that people regularly tell me that I can ask for their time and attention. Aren’t I doing it all the time? No? Oh… Last night Puppy and I were having a conversation about how people never see themselves the way that others see them. I trotted out my list of, if not negative then at least very harsh, adjectives and he told me that almost none of them were true. Then he stopped himself. His comment: “Ok, unless I don’t feed you regularly. You can get a bit grumpy when you are overly hungry. But that is fair and is not a negative reflection on your personality.” I don’t know how to change my self-image though. If I am told just about anything positive I will brush it off. Lately, I don’t even believe it when people tell me that I am smart. I am having enormous insecurity issues around my intelligence–enough that I am starting to have trouble in school.
Slut. Since January 1st (just to pick a date) I have had sex with 10 people. Of those people, James, Noah, and Chris were not new to me. So I have had 7 new partners in 2005. Wow. And I thought I was slowing down. Guess not so much… And I’ve been monogamous for 5 weeks. So in the 8 weeks prior I picked up 6 new partners. I guess I am a slut. It is a lot easier to pick up numbers when you are sleeping with couples though. Wow. In the first 8 weeks of 2005 I slept with as many new-to-me people as Puppy has in his entire life. Wow. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Not true. I do somewhat know how I feel about it. I feel like a slut, and not with much pride or self-esteem in it. If I sit down and think about my list–which can take a while–there are exactly 4 specific people that I regret sleeping with. And all of those people happened years and years ago before I was being very conscious about my choices. So why am I so upset about the number? I don’t understand. Why do I feel like a bad person because I have had sex with a lot of people. Every single time I have made the decision to have sex in the past 6 years I have stopped and thought about whether or not I will feel good about the decision in the morning. Will I regret having been with this person? And I have turned down sex when I thought I would feel bad about it later. So why in the hell does the number bother me? None of the people do. I would not take back a single experience–even those 4 people that I shouldn’t have–because these experiences make me who I am. Yet… I still feel like a cheap tramp. Like I am something to be looked down on for my behavior. I wish I could stop hating myself for this. As a result of thinking about this word lately, I have been sort of feeling like it isn’t a good current description of my behavior. But after looking at the numbers–yes it is true. I guess the question is: does it make me a bad person?
How do we get rid of the programming that our families installed in us? How do I stop feeling like any time I request attention I am being too demanding? How do I stop believing that I am a total bitch that no one will ever like? How do I make myself believe that I am a kind person? How do I wrap my head around the belief that I am a generous person? Cause I don’t feel like I am. I feel like I am everything bad that has ever been said about me and more.
Well, You’re not a bad person There is a reason you have so many friends, and it isn’t necassarily about the sex. Sex is a part of who you are, but that is by no means a bad thing.
If you figure out how to see yourself in a postive light, and use more positive adjectives than negative or harsh ones, if you figure out how to uninstall the programing your family installed, if you figure out how to not feel guilty or wrong or bad because you’ve had sex with a lot of people, even though you don’t think you should feel wrong or bad or guilty, if you figure out how to not* feel like a cheap tramp when you shouldn’t… please please let me know.
And, for the record, No! it does not make you a bad person. It makes you someone who is comfortable with sex and their sexuality, and I do not that that those things are bad at all. I don’t think you are a “cheap tramp” nor do I see you in any kind of a negative light. I think you’re great and wonderful, and honest and fun and those are great things. You are definately a person I* want to spend more time around (when you can fit it into your busy schedule) and get to know better. *smile*
My lifetime numbers are similar to Puppy’s, while I’m considerably older… but that doesn’t make you conversely a bad person in my view, by any stretch. Maybe a somewhat higher risk for emotional turmoil or STDs, but nothing innate to *you as a person*.
Given my couple of interactions with you, you seemed bright… certainly no need for insecurity there IMO.
As far as requesting attention goes… no help I can offer there, I have similar problems (wry grin).
Has anybody ever told you about the Landmark Forum? I think you might dig it. It’s not therapy, but it’s good for regaining that confidence you know is stashed away somewhere below the self-criticism and self-doubt. And I’d advise being sure you are mentally healthy before doing it, because it can be a real eye-opener. But it helped me a ton in dealing with ‘family programming’ and in believing in myself. It’s a fairly queer-friendly place too… I see Alena G (who you were beating on at A&G’s party where we met a year or so ago) and her crowd around Landmark all the time. Anyway, email me if you want to know more. 🙂
A&D are also Landmark alumni
aww sweetie – I wish you weren’t sad or hurting, lo siento.
Personally, I think all the crap you think about yourself comes from that not-so-pretty familial place. And how do you get rid of it? Individual or group therapy? Meds? Self-help books? Self-help groups? Time? Hell, any combo?
I know what worked for me, although I don’t think my kidhood pathologies ran as deep. And I’ve been doin’ the personal growth shuffle a bit longer than you. But my path was individual therapy and a 4-to-8 step program-I’d say 12 step, but I didn’t buy into all 12 🙂 It may take a while find your path.
It may also be tough to accept that you might *do* something bitchy, but you’re not a bitch. Like the difference being doing something bad and being bad.
For what it’s worth, I think I’m a good judge of character and I think you rock. I wouldn’t hang with you if I thought you were… well, all those things you think you are (that aren’t true).
I wish I could give you the silver bullet…
hugs-kisses
Did you keep that appointment with the therapist? Cognitive-behavioral therapy (the *other* CBT) is very good for this.
And if you really shouldn’t be driving, for fuck’s sake, don’t. It’s not about asking for help, it’s about not maiming or killing other drivers.
That said–fake it till you make it. If somebody tells you that you’re smart, act like you believe them. If they tell you that you’re pretty, accept that opinions differ and act like theirs have value, even if you don’t share it.
My mommy likes you and she has pretty high standards. You have to be smart and nice and put effort into your life. She’s a good judge of character.
I think you are smart, and also hip to a lot of literary jargon I have forgotten… that lesson plan on Hobbit? had to pick and choose pieces of it b/c I couldn’t quite figure out how to teach concepts I couldn’t recall clearly.
I would love to work more with you and have you tell me about your school and share stories and insights about my school (going-to and teaching, both.)
Let’s make a date. Sometime soon, hey?