Why include DXM? I do not take this question to be negative from either of you who asked. You both love me a LOT and you are worried about me. I am not going to threaten to with hold information because you are showing me how much you worry about me.
Why. Why indeed. For a few reasons. Dosage first: I will probably be taking the same dose I took last time to get to third plateau. I know what that feels like and I think that is where I need to get to.
Why do I want to be raped in conjuncture with a disassociative? Well, for one thing because it will be real. If the person involved were to just force me to have sex in a clear state of mind I would be very aware the entire time of how much I trust and love this person and I would be aware that he was doing it because I asked him to. Yes, I know it will be real. That is the point. However, when you say that there will be new memories of new trauma–I think you aren’t quite understanding how the memory works in such situations. There will be new memories of trauma, but they will not be of the same type I have from my childhood. It isn’t possible to form those sorts of coherent memories in that state. This is going to be one of the most terrifying things that has ever happened to me. I choose it for that reason.
I know there is the possibility of a psychotic break. I am taking the risk very consciously and deliberately. I am also putting in place safe guards. I am setting up the situation so that I can be taken care of when it is over. We are meeting to talk about it in advance so that we can discuss what will happen and how. There will be some measure of control in the back of my brain, even as I am unable to stop it and I am not really in a stable place.
I know that you love me. I know that you are worried. Thank you so much for being concerned. It will be ok. I know what I want out of this. I have a very strong mind and consciousness and I truly believe that I will be able to handle the outcome. I have survived far worse in my past–this will not break me. This time I will have people who love me who will take care of me. (Not constantly, I am not expecting that much from anyone.) It will be ok. Progress can be made in baby steps or in huge leaps. I am not good at baby steps.
(nod) Makes sense. I’m still concerned that this is not a good choice of dissociative drug– that there may be others with better profiles in terms of what sorts of hallucinations one gets. But if you have experience with it, well, that’s better than another one that is “better” but that you don’t have experience with.
Good luck!!!
*wringing hands* Sigh. It’s all just very scary.
Many things in life are scary. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do them.
*hug*
Thank you for loving me.
Yeah. *hug* Settled down a bit.
I am glad that you’re taking the same dose.
I think it’ll be ok. As ok as it can be. The whole thing is just such a big ugly undertaking. The more I think about it the more real and terrifying the whole thing becomes. And the more I’m worried about you being hurt. Which I know you will be. But I really do know why you’re doing it. You’re terribly brave and I really want this to work.
I want you to know that I will be here for you in any way I can. If you want me to be part of the discussion about what you need in your debriefing and aftercare, I’m totally willing to do that. Is Polly going to be part of it? (I sort of feel like I wish I knew who all was on this filter, ’cause I think I could use some processing, too!)
Gah. *hugs*
Oh, _that’s_ what’s going to be going on. (Today is the first I’ve even looked at LJ, since about mid-January. And look what I find … makes me wonder what other important tidbits I’ve missed in the past few months.)
I have done another disacociative once and found it very unpleasant because of my lack of control of myself and my situation. I’m too much of a control freak. That state seems like exactly what you want, though, and I think I understand.
I am made slightly more comfortable with the fact that you have already done the substance in question and at the same dosage. Therefore (even though it’s different every time) you do know what you’re getting yourself into.
I have seen and been there for friends who have “shattered” as the result of a drug-induced personality rearrangement. It is not always a bad thing, but the key is in the rebuilding. Which pieces do you want to retain, and how you wan them to fit together. I think you already have some ideas about how you wish to rebuild yourself, and this will help you a lot because this will guide your subconscious as you go through the experience.
I also know you’ll be in good hands.
My phone has become slightly unreliable, as in, it works, but becasue it has become fragile I no longer carry it with me 100% of the time. My number is: 650-454-0126