I need to post. I have been trying to find stuff that I have written about after care and regressing and I just can’t freakin find it. It is not to be located through lj or that other blog site. This is most frustrating.
The dinner conversation on Friday was very good. We went over most of the logistics of what we are going to do and when. I found out that there will be a person there that I hadn’t expected. Oh… uhm… ok. I had been told a while ago that she was going to be invited but it was never brought up again so I didn’t think she wanted to. Silly me apparently. It is fine. She will not be in the room while the scene is happening.
We discussed how we don’t want to have absolutely all the logistics worked out before the event because things need to be a surprise. Although my understanding is that it will not happen immidiately or too early in the trip because I will get to establish baseline.
Then there was major drama. The scene was almost cancelled. We did decide to go through with it, but it wasn’t an easy decision. It turns out that the person who is doing this with me is making a much bigger commitment to me than I had anticipated and I am quie grateful. This is such a scary thing and to find out that it is even a bigger thing than we thought is unnerving. There was also a minor drama with the person I didn’t know was coming. I believe it has been resolved and that she understands that I do indeed want her to come.
Aftercare stuff. I tried and tried to find reference to this. I even have an ljbook now so that I can search through the archive of my lj easily. Oh well.
This scene will require much more intense aftercare than usual. Puppy is going to show up around midnight. He asked and the other people involved in the scene gave consent as well. I think it will be good. I will almost certainly withdraw; it is SOP for me when I am upset. It is not a good idea to touch me without permission when I am like this. But asking to touch me is probably a good thing. I will probably hesitate before giving consent; tell me that you love me and I am safe. (Do you have any idea how odd it is to be able to dissect this about myself? This is freaky.) I will probably want to sit in laps and be rocked. I will want my hair stroked. I will have trouble talking, but it is important that you encourage me to talk. Give me gaps of air time in encouraging me to talk–it will be very hard to find the words that I need. I will probably start crying mid-sentence, stroke my hair until I can talk again. I know it will be hard to listen to what I am saying when you love me.
I am going to bring Ted and Edmund and Nighty-night and “security blankets” from childhood. I do not know if I am going to go little or if I am going to handle this as an adult. I really don’t. If I seem to be very regressive that won’t significantly change how you will want to treat me in this event anyway. I do specifically make the request that people speak somewhat softly and try to make sure your tone of voice is gentle. I am going to be very easy to scare. If I pull away from your touch, let me go and don’t take it personally. It will be so easy to overwhelm me. That being said, if I put my hand out even slightly, I am probably requesting touch and I won’t be good at doing so verbally.
I may have trouble being touched by men. It is not about whether or not I love you or trust you. I may want men to touch me more than usual. I don’t know yet.
Thank you. Thank you so much for being part of this on any level. Thank you for loving me. Four more days.
I found an article I think is really excellent, and breaks down a great deal of concepts that I’ve been struggling with. Please read it and let me know what you think about the points it makes? I’m sending the link in emails as well to make sure you read this.
“Poking Fingers in Old Wounds: Some Thoughts on How Not To Make a Complete Muck of Things If You Simply Must Use BDSM Scenes as Therapy”
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/pfiow.html
We’ve already talked about this at some length in IMs this morning, so you know that I am willing … no, I want … to be there for you — either physically present at the time, or in spirit (a spirit that’s reachable by cell phone and willing to hop in the car, if needed).
I’m just repeating it here so you can come back and reread it during the next four days when you get scared. Let this remind you there are people who love you and want to help in any way we can.
I love you, sweetie.
“Mom”
Alright
I’m attempting to begin my big ass post now…. But I’m at work and the phone keeps ringing, so it may take a bit.
Re: Alright
It’s ok honey. *hug*
Big Ass Post – part one
I know people have given you lots of warnings about what could possibly go wrong.
It’s likely that you can predict your worst case scenario reaction from how you have reacted in the past when things went south. When you were triggered, did you cry? Regress? Switch states? Go catatonic? I know you have already thought some about this and it seems you have made provisions accordingly. I don’t think anything worse is going to happen than anything you have already exhibited at the worst of times. In other words, I’d be shocked if you had a psychotic break. Not saying it’s not possible, everything is possible, just pretty bloody unlikely. Of course, you are going to be upset after. Hopefully, it will elicit some good things.
So, with that in mind. On with the other stuff.
As I said to you the other day, the thing you want to watch out for is freezing. Fight, yell, scream, kick, bite, to your heart’s content. It’s when you freeze that the trauma gets stuck in the body/brain. When someone freezes, their entire nervous system is overwhelmed. Breathing shallows, the face gets pale, heart beat increases. It’s like a car at full tilt with the clutch still locked. The emotional energy freezes and remains frozen until it can discharge. Sometimes this can take years. Studies show that people who fight all the way through something fair much better after than people who freeze. Now, this does not in any way blame the person that froze. Sometimes that is the best, smartest option to get through a truly awful experience. The unfortunate side effect is that it tends to get stuck in the body.
So…cry, scream, rage… just watch out for signs of numbing out, dissociating, shallow breath, holding your breath, stillness, and feeling frozen. You might want to slow the scene down if that happens, take a break, have him encourage you to fight back, something. I would not recommend you continue the scene if you freeze. I believe that would, absolutely, be retraumatizing.
You may not want to see N after the scene is done for a day or two. That’s ok. You might want to see him right after, that’s fine too. N needs to figure out some self care stuff for him. If he wants to apply any of the after care stuff that I list here, that might not be a bad idea. It’s good not to ignore the needs/experiences/top drop of the Top. However, Boot_Slut will not and cannot provide that for him, so maybe more people need to be enlisted who are assigned specifically to N?
Get your recoup room together; blankets, forts, water, gatorade, stuffies, and cuddleables, comfort food … Anything and everything that elicits safety. But remember to leave room to walk and move comfortably
part two
Here is a small somatic therapist’s step by step guide of what is good to do after someone has gone through something traumatic. It might be good to incorporate some of these things in Boot_Slut’s after care. A lot of this comes from techniques that Levin wrote about when he created “Sensory Reprocessing” techniques ….which, in many ways are pretty similar to any other somatic technique for dealing with trauma. I’m taking this from “Waking the Tiger”. It’s the most straightforward and applicable of the books I’ve seen.
Levine recommends that directly after the traumatic event, it’s good for the person to (at first. lay still – possibly with a blanket over themselves. Don’t let them try to run off, jump up and down, or deny the “magnitude of what just happened”. Just be still for a bit. at least 15- 20 minutes. It would be good not to hug or hold her in a way that might feel constricting or controlling unless she asks for it. Sometimes just putting a hand on the back is good. Shaking is fine and encouraged. Shaking helps discharge the emotional intensity of adrenaline. Forcibly trying not to shake can keep things locked in the body ina bad way. It’s good for the people around to have the person (hereafter known as BS) describe what is going on in their body. Not asking if they are ok (beyond a simple yes/no) , not reviewing the scene , just having BS describe the sensations in her body.. adrenaline rush, cold, shaking, numbness, heat… BS can get into describing a specific feeling as color or shape – but keep questions simple and about what she is feeling physically right at that moment. Breathing is good. Notice if BS is breathing from her chest or her belly. If she is breathing shallowly , have her breath deeper and in her stomach. She may not be able to do this at first. She may have to shake and/ or cry first before she can concentrate on breathing. She may go through waves of shaking crying and then calming down only to repeat again. This is also normal and fine.
Emotions may come up right away or she might feel somewhat numb. In either case, it will take a day or two for the full range of emotions to really start welling up. BS ought to not have anything planned for the next two days after the scene so she can take the time to recoup…even if she feels fine and thinks she does not need it. BS may continue to feel waves of chills nd shaking. This is fine. Shake more when the shaking comes up. Shake your arms, your body, stomp …etc.
If during the days that follow BS starts to feel her heart pounding, anxiety rising, sweating, feeling ungrounded/unfocused, etc…especially is she is talking about the event or having any type of flash back like experiences, It’s good to have her simply stop and have her think about and talk about the experiences that are happening, at the present time. whatever they are – “I feel my heart racing” ” my stomach feels ill” ” my arm hurts” when she is more calm – she might start shaking again – again, that’s ok. It would be good to go through a verbal “triation” once she has relaxed some and it is a few days after the event.
part three – triation
triation =
have her describe before the scene happened:
the actions,sensations, feelings, images, and then thoughts
describe after the event:
actions,sensations, feelings, images, and then thoughts
It’s not necessary to complete or push BS to go through everyone of these steps in the triation or even to do it in order. You can take breaks, allow breathing and heart to become steadier …whatnot. You can review any of these steps at any time for however many times you feel you need to. weeks/ months / years later. (although, hopefully, since their is all this conscious aftercare there won’t need to be months or years, unless it dredges up other stuff. That would not be entirely bad.)
allow time for BS to relax and breathe. If in describing the event BS’s body goes through the physical movements that she did at the time, that’s fine – give her time to complete the movement all the way through – like ten – fifteen minutes to just slow down and focus on the movement and the sensations in the body. If the anxiety is beginning to up, move slower. sounds hokey, but its good. people normally feel some relief and relaxation after doing that.
Any Questions?