I’m not as angry as I was. Yelling at the person that I was most angry defrayed a lot of it. A few conversations with truly amazing people did most of the rest of it.

I doubt all the details will ever be public knowledge. That isn’t my decision. Sorry I’m being so cryptic–but I need to vent and ya’ll are here and that is life.

I have learned many lessons in the past few weeks. For one: I will never include vanilla people in planning a truly extreme scene again. The hassle and stress isn’t worth it. Second: I will never even think about bottoming heavily to someone without a very high level of experience. I was given some amazing advice earlier today and I am going to listen to it.

I have been working really hard to overcome the snotty attitude that many in the scene have about how a person has to put in their time before they are ready to be an edgy player; I have been trying to give people credit for what they claim they are up for. I am going to work really hard at not pinning my hopes on someone again who can’t deliver for whatever reason. One person said, “Don’t plan scenes like that with someone who is not out to their friends and family. If they are not out and ready to embrace that this is a major part of their life–they are not actually up for doing it.” He is right. It isn’t that the potential top in question is a bad person, but I was asking far too much of a newbie and I should have known better. I suppose I should be more angry with myself about my poor judgment. I should stop trusting people’s words and demand actual action to back them up. Silly me trying to trust someone.

Yeah. And discussing it with people outside the scene? I guess that was stupid and naive of me. I confused tolerance of “kinkiness” with understanding of the psychological motivations behind heavy play. That’s a fuck up I hope I won’t make again. There is a big difference between people understanding and being ok with bondage and spanking and understanding why I want to do really heavy play. Even in the scene there are lots of types of play that are edgy and taboo and aren’t talked about. I need to spend more time with the edge players. Although now I get to worry about dragging Puppy along for more than he is ready for. *sigh* I guess I need to get ready for a long, slow road of helping him gain the experience that he needs before we can do any heavy play. This time investment will be worth it if I never go through the abrupt dropping of plans again. I am still upset. Just less upset.

Oh–and people, please don’t tell me to get over it or justify the actions of other people involved. At least not for a few days. I am allowed to be angry. It is healthy to be angry. If I try to move into “getting over it” before I am ready I will be repressing my emotions and for those of you who know what was going on that should be a particularly ironic twist.