More processing time. I set up a situation where I was going to work through some major issues from my past. Instead, I find myself dealing with the backlash of entirely different issues from my past. Instead of going through a scary situation and finding myself whole on the other end I am dealing with my lifelong baggage of trusting someone and having to learn in painful ways that the trust wasn’t deserved. I no longer deal with my mother because she made many promises that she couldn’t/wouldn’t deliver on and now I seem to be in the position of having other people take that role instead. I tell most partners that I can deal with just about any fuck up, but never lie to me. I wonder where disappointment falls into lying. I’m wondering if making huge promises that you can’t follow through on is lying.
I screamed at someone who loves me today. Unfortunately she bore the brunt of a great deal of my frustration and anger. It wasn’t fair of me and I am extremely grateful that she puts up with me. We talked about why I have felt attacked lately by the intensity of her questions. We talked about how she expressed her concern for me and how I interpreted her tone in the process. It isn’t always easy having friends. She told me that I shouldn’t feel guilty about some of the bad things that have happened to me. I can appreciate that sentiment and even say, “Yes sweetheart–you are right. I shouldn’t. But I do. And I don’t know how to change it.”
I don’t talk about my shit very often. In fact, I try to avoid it in general. But every so often it comes up. I have really bad nightmares. Often every night. It’s a good thing that most of my partners sleep very heavily. I wake up crying a lot. I feel pretty worthless a great deal of the time. I don’t know why I survived my childhood; there is no good reason for anyone to have survived what I did. Since I was told today that someone has no clue about my past–who I thought should/would–I’ll give more details again.
I was raped for the first time when I was 7. I have been gang raped. I have been forcibly sodomized. I have been date raped. I was molested by my father. My brother spent years trying to kill me or rape me.
Intellectually I understand that I shouldn’t think any of this is my fault, but it doesn’t matter how many times I am told I still feel dirty and violated and like I didn’t fight hard enough so it is my fault. I have had occasion recently to examine my disassociative impulses. I did it because I was not safe enough to fight. I froze and went away inside my head so that I could survive. But that means that there is a whole lot of deep-down-ingrained trauma. I wanted to get over lots of this. So I planned and worked for months to plan an event that would allow me to have catharsis that would help me move past some of my baggage. Now it is not happening because some people believe that I should not be allowed to make decisions for myself. Some people believe that they should pass judgment and spread rumors and decry the people involved as foul, horrible people. No. There was nothing evil or malicious or wrong in what was going to happen. There was transformation and healing and deep respect in both directions. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that some people are offended by the very idea. What matters is that reputation is apparently very important.
Now I’m trying to pick up pieces. I am trying to find the threads inside my head that make me whole and ok. I am trying to get over the overwhelming need I have to move past some of this crap. I guess instead I get to be mired in it a while longer. I get to be stuck in my nightmares. I get to live for a few more years feeling this shitty. Wow. I’m so looking forward to it. But you know what, now no ones delicate sensibilities have been offended. I guess that is the most important part.
Babe, can’t you plan this event without it depending on people you can’t trust anyway? Fuck reputation, it’s your life, it’s your body, it’s your mind. If this if very important to you there has to be a way to pull it off with people you can trust and without people you don’t.
I think at this point in time my trust level has been so hurt that I wouldn’t trust anyone to go through the situation with me. The people who are closest to me and who would be my support network have all been battered to hell by their fear of the event and how it would affect me. I don’t think any of them are wrong for their fear–but I don’t think there is any way I would have the bravado to set up anything like this situation anytime in the near future. It is too hard and too scary.
“The people who are closest to me and who would be my support network have all been battered to hell by their fear of the event and how it would affect me.”
No, I haven’t. Or at least I didn’t consider myself “battered to hell by” anything at the time.
Yes, I expressed my concerns regarding two aspects of the planned scene, as described to me by you. The first aspect had to do with whether you were taking unnecessary risks by adding a dimension which, by your own description, had definite contraindications for this kind of situation. The second had to do with issues of consent — and all I said in that case was “I’d rethink that part, if it was me.”
There are elements of both of these aspects that, yes, created concern — and for very good reasons. But I did not back away, did I? Remember, I’m speaking to all of this as a survivor of rape who also didn’t fight during her assault — and in a situation where I probably could have had a more realistic expectation of help — so I have some inkling of where you were going with what you had planned.
If you sense some irritation on my part, it’s because there are aspects of some of your postings for the past couple of days that I feel cross the line from healthy processing of strong emotions to being a breach of trust and patent unfairness to some of us who were more than willing to ride this demon with you. Especially since you have neglected to include some of the grittiest, and most troublesome, details of the plan in your rants. And the fact there were legal ramifications (not just damage to reputation) that the participants were being threatened with. A felony charge of sexual assault isn’t something to be sneezed at. Neither is accessory before/after the fact.
So, actually, if I have felt battered by anything, it has been your ranting about how you have been let down by those around you. Your trust level may not be the only one that has been hurt by this, my dear.
Ok, first: please honey don’t assume that everything I write is a condemnation of you. I have been upset and ranting about a variety of different things and in my anger the ranting has been mixing up about 15 things that I am upset about in some way and that means that the resulting words are garbled. Most of the “you’s” that I have been saying fuck off to are not people who are involved in my life or reading my journal. That is why I am calling it ranting.
I was told something yesterday that made a lot of sense to me, “Your best friend is the person who is entirely on your side. The one who will join in with ‘That Bastard!’ so that you have to stop being so angry and step back and consider that maybe he isn’t actually that bad.” Granted, I don’t expect everyone involved in this situation to chorus in with “That Bastard!” but people defending the other point of view when I am still reeling from it leads to me feeling very attacked. Not only did something really shitty happen, but now my friends are justifying it. Wow. That really hurts. It isn’t going to take very long before I start having sympathy for the other side as well, but right now I’m just hurting. I am lashing out pretty hard. I was disappointed in ways that are hard for me to express.
I said that my support network was battered to hell because pretty much everyone said, “Can I say I’m relieved,” or “Thank God.” They usually followed it with sympathy for me being let down, but what I heard loud and clear was that they were glad it didn’t happen. Intellectually I can understand that they are not happy because I was disappointed. It’s complicated. But it hurts like crazy. You told me that you are relieved, that you can breathe deep again. That is why I describe my support network as battered. I’m not saying that you weren’t going to be there when it mattered, but on some level–I feel like you are glad it didn’t happen. You aren’t the only one, the reaction was really common with everyone except for the really heavy edge players that I talked to. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate what you were willing to do, and what you in fact did, but I’m hurting. It hurts. I’m sorry that I am not being rational enough or fair enough or balanced enough for you. But I am writing in my journal about how much I hurt. That is extremely unlikely to be a totally balanced view.
There are parts I have glossed over very intentionally because as far as I know they are still happening and I don’t have the right to out that.
I’m sorry that I have hurt you by expressing my emotions. I really don’t know what to say about it though. Emotions are not fair or balanced. You feel I am violating trust here, but except for when people choose to step up and say “I was involved” the majority of people who are reading this don’t know anything at all about the situation or who might be involved. I am just processing; that is all they see. I have a pretty remarkably diverse group of friends and they often/usually know very little about one another across group lines. Even most of the people who have been involved in the pre-planning don’t know who the scene was to be with. Details are coming out from other sources damning the hell out of me, so yeah I am not worried too much about shielding identities completely from people who are able to figure it out though. I’m sorry you don’t think that is right. I don’t seem to be able to stay on the moral high ground all the time though. Sometimes, I just want to lash out at the people who hurt me. I guess that means I am still a child.
This is a response to both your comments (ditenebre and boot_slut’s response).
I know we talked out a lot of this yesterday, but I’d like to point out that the things ditenbre is saying ring very true. Both of us raised questions about the plan, but both of us were *always* willing to be right in the middle of supporting you through this, even though we had concerns.
Considering the tightness of the filter with which you were discussing this prior to the cancellation, it seems contradictory and hurtful (and confusing) that you are screaming out to the general public (or at least a much larger filter) that we (your friends) are condemning you or imposing morality on you or stopping you from doing this. It hurts *because* it is so unclear who precisely you are ranting about, and I think every one of us has a little bit of worry about how you perceive our concern/questions/involvement. Comments about “offending delicate sensibilities” or “imposing morality” are particularly harsh-seeming and difficult to swallow. When I read a generalized howl, I insecurely think it’s directed at me. (For good things AND bad, I am the center of the universe, you know – everything is my achievment or fault) I’m NOT telling you not to be angry or not to speak your mind, I’m just pointing out why some of us might be reacting the way we are, and seeming to you to not “get it.”
ONE person is directly responsible for cancelling the scene. The peripheral noise is noise. I know a lot more people got wind of the plan, and upped the amount of noise, but it would be nice to give credit to the amount of support that you *were* getting.
I know you are hurting. Like I said yesterday, I absolutely understand that you are angry, but please be angry at the right person(s), rather than lumping us all into one messy pot.
Yes, I *am* relieved to a certain extent that this didn’t happen, but as I said yesterday, largely because I don’t think the whole picture was in place the way it COULD be in the future, not because I don’t think it should EVER happen. You have to understand, considering the edgy/risky nature of the event, that there was a considerable amount of well placed trepidation about it. Everybody holds their breath a little when the trapeze artist is in mid-air.
I am talking about one person here. And if you think about whose morality was imposed upon the entire situation, you will know who I am talking about.
she wasn’t the one worrying about her reputation…
Not sure who this is locked to, but thank you for sharing with me.
It sounds like you process things in a way that makes sense to me, in that the whole concept of using edgey scenes for catharsis, and to deal with things, is something that’s always intrigued me and makes sense to me.
Also, I very much respect attempts to deal with past shit in an active way (as opposed to attempts to repress past shit.)
You’ve mentioned bits and pieces of what’s happened to you, though it’s more clearly (and bluntly) stated in this post. That’s a horribly large amount of bad to have happened, and I’m honestly really impressed that you have yourself as together as you do. And anyone who can’t respect the ways you feel would help you become more together, well, they probably are someone you shouldn’t share important parts of yourself with.
I don’t know what exactly you had planned, or what the people who got involved interpreted the situation as, but I will note that the edgier aspects of bdsm, whether physical or mental, tend to cause a lot of controversy. I suspect that it’s connected to the need felt by many in the scene to identify everything as safe/sane/consensual – the truth that things we do *aren’t* always safe scares people. While the idea of people deciding their own lives gets a lot of lip service, somehow that seems to go away when someone wants to decide to do something that’s perceived as hurting themselves. (The government reaction to drugs, the way most people react to someone cutting themselves, and for the number 1 touchy subject, the question of voluntary euthanasia.)
I’m on the extreme end of believing in personal choice, and I still get disturbed by some choices (not many, and mostly when I think choices are being made due to a lack of information or while suffering from problematic brain chemistry.)
Good lord I’m rambling. I really should know better than to start writing comments when I’m tired and sick. But I don’t.
I suppose all my rambling thoughts on this can be boiled down to the fact that I am completely in favor of doing whatever will help you, but that it’s also not surprising that some people will feel a need to “protect you from yourself”, and that I wonder if whatever you’re doing would work with just not telling many people, especially those likely to be protective/not understand.
And that I hope you find a way to make it work for you after all.
This situation will simply not happen. Not ever with the people who were originally negotiated with. Trust has been so completely shattered that I wonder if the friendship will even survive. It is amazing how it is possible to destroy trust. There were so many ways to cancel this event that would have been ok. But instead it was done in such a way as to make me feel as unimportant as possible.
A lot of the point of this scene was that it can’t be a big secret. It had to be something I worked out with a support network. The person would have been ok with it being a big secret–but I’m so not ok with having to keep any more dirty little secrets. 🙁
I want to write something to help you somehow, to tell you you’re not alone. When you write about dissociativeness, and about anti-dependance, I want to stand up and shout that someone else finally gets it.
This isn’t really helpful for you, for me to say things. I wish it was. I wish I could figure out how to help ease that. Until I do, I’m listening, and if there is a need you have that you think I can fill, I hope you ask. *hugs*
It is helpful. It is more helpful than you know. As much as I love love love love the people who support me most of the time and I am grateful for everything they do for me, there are times when I feel alone because they haven’t had a lot of the history I have. It is hard. And it hurts.
Sometimes it hurts just having to explain what it is like in my head. I don’t really have to explain it to you. Whereas I am sad that it is true–because it means you hurt like this–I am also comforted.
*hug*
I’m really sympathetic. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is the people who totally have no context for dealing with primary and secondary effects of childhood sexual abuse, and yet just forge on ahead as if they knew everything, as if they knew more than you. This isn’t true of most of the people I deal with and it is true of very few people I keep as friends. But the ones that it is true of never know how close they come to finding themselves in the odd position of having their noses smashed to bits and the rest of their community saying to them wow, she’s generally so non-violent… what did you do to deserve that?
The long-time acquaintance who says his childhood was like a 50’s television show, who in college was happy to — despite warnings that he was playing with someone’s heart — get a friend of mine, who had been abused and was still dealing with it and really fucked up, to adore him and then decide that that total adoration was more of a bother than the ego-boost he had first thought and dropped her flat, devastating her. Who told his next-to-last girlfriend that her breasts were too small, and could she do anything about that? He now regularly tells me I hate men. No, actually, I don’t hate men, though it might have been an easy and reasonable conclusion for me to come to, given my childhood. I adore my community of sensible, caring, compassionate men and women. I just hate clueless fucks like you who wear white male privilege like body armor, and then go “what?!? it’s not like I asked for it”; who expect their girlfriends to serve them but at the relationship negotiation and compromise table are like, “I have to look out for my own needs”.
Or just the ones who are quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) disapproving of my — or your — surprisingly innocent and mild psychological kinks. It makes me just want to say to them, Yeah? This is called dealing with it, and I could take you on a tour of people who didn’t deal so well, the street kids and the hospitalized schizophrenics and I’ll cry and cry because I have no idea what gift of random neurochemistry left me with only the mild weirdnesses you’re so disdainful of. And by the way, my perp is still out there and you’re not doing anything about that while criticizing me and if he or any of the millions out there ever get to your kids, you can send them to me because I understand. Oh, I don’t want to talk to you anymore; come back to me next life, after you’ve spent that childhood neglected and tortured and with no one you can really trust and then spend every fucking waking hour for years picking the out the splinters someone else put into your psyche only to have unaffected bystanders tell you you’re doing it wrong.
the therapy appointments–you’re doing those, yes?
I’m not saying that you’re wrong and the people fussing at you are right (for one thing, spreading rumors is shitty), but can you try to put aside the instant anger and outrage and consider whether they are right? Not whether you should say “Okay, I won’t do this, forget it,” but perhaps make back-up plans in case some of the things they are concerned about do happen. And then go ahead, so that if they’re wrong they’re wrong, and if they were in any way right, you’ll have a place to land, so to speak.
In the crowd I think you’re thinking of, gossip and rumor and reputation are practically a national pastime.
The rumors and the shitty things that are being said involve saying that anyone who does anything like this is just plain wrong. Unequivocably.
The planning process for this was more in depth than you can possibly know. This was talked and researched to death. The people who helped me set this up really thought through every way the scene could go wrong and then some. I had answers for most of their questions and concerns–they didn’t always like the answers… (Ok, that last question of him getting hurt I really didn’t have a good answer for. I acknowledge that.)
And no, they aren’t right. They really aren’t. This isn’t just my anger and outrage.
“anyone who does anything like this is just plain wrong. Unequivocably.”
Well you know thats not my opinion. What your talking about is heavy magic and heavy magic must be dealt with respectfully and reverently. BDSM can be what is sometimes referred to in Jungian psych as “dark side work” where you dredge up the parts of yourself your least willing to look at and force yourself to see it. Dark side work is tricky because its stirring up the deamons. Some folks do that within themselves regularly, know how to handle it and have already built for themselves support structures for it — as it lets out the beast within. For others, diving in without the proper ‘initiation’ can start off a dominoe effect that deconstructs their lives and not always for the better. I’ve seen some folks come back from this type of work elated with their lives, and I’ve seen others come back and have their lives fall to pieces — being oblivious and closed off to their stuff was a tactic they had developed because it made their lives work… it was what made their lives work. Take it away and suddenly they just can’t play the game anymore.
From what you’ve said, and the amount of time and forethought that went into this, and knowing you — you haven’t got a careless bone in your body, I trust that you didn’t approach any of this flippently or carelessly. You understood what it was you were asking for and took proper precautions to try to make sure it was ultimately a positive healing thing and not a destructive thing. It just sounds like the other folks reacted to it before they actually sat down and thought about it.
or reacted to it because, perhaps, they weren’t able/willing to think about it… also, some people can’t bear the thought of others doing things they can’t bear to do themselves, or have no interest in doing themseves… simple lack of empathy/imagination or an inability to suspend judgement long enough to find out what the benefit is to the person who wants to do it…
I used to get pressured by my folks or my ex for wanting to do things they just couldn’t comprehend.
Actually, I completely agree and suggested this to before…….. in general, when folks have huge emotional reactions to things its generally because you ARE hitting their own personal ‘material’ — as in their own dark side stuff, the stuff they can’t or aren’t ready to look at because it might destroy them.
I have a feeling thats what happened here.
I think you’re right, in part.
I think another dynamic in play is something NLP calls ecology, sometimes called backlash in magical work.
Even if the two participants consent, and a change is initiated, it’s entirely possible for the surrounding context, community, family, etc, to cause a reversion of that change. For the change to be persistent, the surrounding context needs to be groomed for the change as well. In this sense, consent alone isn’t sufficient for NLP work. We also need to consider context and unconscious factors as well.
An argument for why things should not be kept secret, the Japanese refer to the turning of roots/preparing of ground that must happen before any change can be enforced, and every department that is involved — even if its periferally must be brought into the process. The 2ndary folks that to‘s thinking shouldn’t have needed to be involved were as a function of the types of relationships they were in the “decision by committee” aspect were ultimately the ones to bring a hault to the activity.
This of course goes to my own predjudice of scream it from the roof tops till you bore them to death with it, then do it.
mmm-hmmm.
complete agreement here.
hit a sore spot somewhere.
Oh, my very dear. Last night I said that I’d read your whole post but the cut, and I’d get back to that when I was up to it.
So, I just got back to it, and it was so not what I feared.
I have had occasion recently to examine my disassociative impulses. I did it because I was not safe enough to fight. I froze and went away inside my head so that I could survive.
And I learned to dissociate because all around me were neglectful adults who couldn’t see past their own pain to help me grow up stronger than they were. It wasn’t a malignant childhood like yours, but it was pretty damned “benignly” neglectful, and this for a little girl whose father had just died.
I guess instead I get to be mired in it a while longer. I get to be stuck in my nightmares. I get to live for a few more years feeling this shitty. Wow. I’m so looking forward to it. But you know what, now no ones delicate sensibilities have been offended. I guess that is the most important part.
This does not become you. It is a sarcasm begging for contradiction, and the ones who should be most hurt by it won’t even hear it.
I’m going to be all superior and shit and re-write this for you.
I hate the thought that I get to be mired in it a while longer. I don’t want to be stuck in my nightmares. I don’t want to live for a few more years feeling this shitty. Wow. I’m so not looking forward to it. I wish the people I asked for help had been a whole lot more self-aware, because their efforts at self-protection have really fucked my head up.
You *can* do this work in therapy. It couldn’t be any harder than the effort you put into planning this event. Are you working with someone?
(When you come over next week, we’ll either talk this to death, or ignore it completely and watch the squirrels eating peanuts – your choice.)
I do not accept your rewrite or your judgment of what becomes me in this matter. I am angry and I am expressing it.
you know I’m not in the scene (tho not strictly vanilla I would say)
but i am probably one of the least judgemental people you know
and if I can do anything to help/support/heal
i hope you know i am here.
i have a history of abuse myself (more verbal and emotional)
tho not as violent as yours, sounds like we both had it ongoing thru family-of-origin and beyond. I’ve been making progress (some)
wow, look at that lack of punctuation & capitalization. *g* not much insecurity there, is there? *whew*
hard to talk about. I’m learning to talk about it.
if you ever want to work together I will be there.