I’m feeling stronger. I’m feeling very loved. Secure and all that. Time to rip those feelings away from me! Ha. Ok, this is not just the people who were involved with the scene planning, but I didn’t include very many new people. Just a couple who might have relevant views and that I think are pretty fucking nifty.
I’m ready to talk about the mistakes in planning and afterwards.
My opening comment: I am sorry that some of you felt I didn’t value your input or support because I did and I do.
I’m still of the opinion that for whatever the reasons it fell through it still fucking sucks and makes me sad/frustrated for you. And some people can just be fucktards. (not knowing anyone involved or the details of what went down, I have no particular individual(s) in mind when I say this. It is merely a statement of fact.)
From my distance, I only saw one problem, I’ve already mentioned it, and so have you. In magickal terms, it’s called backlash. Backlash is when the mage attempts to push a particular change out into the world so strongly, that the rest of the universe and/or other people specifically and pointed try to push back. In particularly strong cases, they intentionally aim to kill the mage. I once heard this used as the explanation for Christ was crucified.
You can look at it from several different perspectives but basically I think you either needed to spend a lot more time educating your entire social network about what was going on for you, including plenty of time for them to get used to all the new ideas, explaining who you were now, your motives, what you hoped to acomplish, and then also just assuming that you were going to lose a few friends in the process… or you needed to keep it to a somewhat smaller audience. I tend to prefer the latter, but I’m not you.
You might ask yourself, though, were you trying to accomplish a change for yourself? Or did you really intend to make the world a different place? My impression is that you were aiming more for the former.
Even talking about this stuff brings up scary projections for many people. They imagine being in your place, get scared, project those fears onto you, and then react to you as though you were the thing that would scare them if they were in your position. If you’re lucky, they’ll just be dismissive and go away. If you’re not, then they’ll attack you as though you were the person bringing pain into their lives because, in a way, you are, by bringing up scary stuff in them that they’d rather just stayed buried inside themselves.
IME, it’s not really scene vs non-scene distinction. It’s more about self awareness, self exploration, and a general attitude toward life. I’ve certainly been attacked most harshly by folks in the scene and some non-scene folks have been amongst my strongest allies. I’ve had the best support from magick folks, actually.
Nobody likes to have this stuff dredged out according to someone else’s schedule. If we don’t have any control over the shadows, then we tend to attack them and/or repress them as best we can. In this case, it would appear to me as though you took on the role of shadow, and were subsequently repressed.
Next time, you might want to consider the possibility that sharing your thoughts on an approaching challenging scene like this may well be seen, at some level, not as sharing on your part, but as an assault on your audience, regardless of your intent. I don’t believe there’s really any way to predict, on the basis of who someone is, how they’re going to react. So much depends on what else is going on in their lives that someone who reacts strongly one day may simply shrug a few weeks later about the same stuff. The best I’ve learned to do is to share slowly, watch for reactions, being ready to backpedal quickly when necessary.
There are forums where it’s ok to present challenging info but the typical “kink” forum isn’t it. Nor is the typical abuse survivor community, btw. Those folks tend to be highly reactive, especially aggressive, band together quickly, and are already predisposed to be opposed to fear, violence, and to a large degree, sex.
In any case, I’m sorry this one didn’t work out more happily for you. I’m sure you’re learning a lot anyway, though, and I promise you, this stuff gets better. As will you.
I am not aware of anything that I see as a mistake. I know that the outcome was not what you wanted, and that you were unable to achieve your goals, and I understand the idea that that *must* be because a mistake was made, but (A) that may not be true, sometimes disappointment cannot be prevented through more careful planning and (B) I have no clue as to what may have been.
*hug*
I appreciate your trust.
I also want to say, and I don’t know how on topic it is, but I think that sometimes non-survivors think that the universe of “what is re-traumatizing to survivors” is small, and that they need to keep us out of that place. First off, that universe is ever expanding *and* ever contracting. And if they really want to do something about it, then work on ending sexual assault. My buttons are already there, always will be there, and I’m the world’s foremost expert on them. I fear being badly hurt by anyone that I allow to love me, but it sure as all fuck wouldn’t be doing me any favors to stop people from loving me, you know????
(hug)
I don’t think I have much more to say aside from, thank you for including me on this filter.
Thanks for including me on the filter. Although I really don’t know anything about the scene you had planned (or the specific reactions of those who disappointed you), I can draw from my own experiences in this area.
I’ve had my own share of getting jerked around with this sort of thing. People say they’re up for the challenge, then do flaky things when the full impact of the scenario looms closer on their calendars. And sadly, they sometimes have a difficult time getting in touch with their feelings and fears, and they behave (toward you or me) in ways that are… uh… less than admirable.
I was particularly impressed with‘s comments. There is some really good stuff there that I think you might do well to consider when planning similar scenes in the future.