He went and took a shower while I typed up that post and I started breakfast. When he came out we talked again.
I told him that I don’t want him “sucking it up” because he thinks it will make me happy. If he really has a problem with something I would rather he tell me about the problem and we can deal with that.
He then admitted to a couple of different things. Hhe has a scene planned with his ex that he agreed to about five months ago. He knew that he would have one or two play dates with another friend because they had already discussed them. Outside of that he doesn’t intend to or want to negotiate for any other play outside of our relationship. He feels sad that I am enough for him but that he doesn’t seem to be enough for me. Here we get to the standard mono/poly difficulty.
First off: I don’t actually bottom to people often. I have done a little bit of rough sex with most of my partners in the last year but it wasn’t what I or Puppy would consider “bottoming.” Actually bottoming has been done with ten people including Puppy. And of those people, six of them it was only one scene and two of them it was two scenes. It isn’t as if I bottom very often or very casually. Ok, and Dad put four needles in my breasts as we sat around his house one day. I suppose that is bottoming as well. And I demo’ed in Fifth Angels class. I guess that might count too if we are really pushing shit.
Dude. It isn’t as if playing with a lot of people is a major part of my life. I would love to continue to have a once a year scene with Boymeat (next time no one will be interfering, I promise!). I am going to play with Julia, which about rocks my world. I would play with Bridgett if she asked. I am willing to bet I am not going to any cons or up to Seattle anytime soon so that leaves out a whole mess of people. I would play with Dad if he wanted to. I really can’t think of anyone else who is on my “I need to play with them” list. There are lots of people with whom it is fun, but that is far from mandatory.
So of the people that I believe I will probably play with at some point I can think of: Julia, Boymeat, Bridgett, and Dad. No one else gets an automatic pass. None of these people live in the same state as me so they aren’t exactly likely to be a constant source of stress for him. Playing with Julia will be the first time in several years. Bridgett and I play about every 18 months or so. Boymeat and I have managed once a year for the past two years. I play with Dad about once a year. I think these exceptions would be ok with Puppy.
I think I’m going to stop negotiating for bottoming to men other than the two listed exceptions. He doesn’t seem to feel any anxiety at all about me playing with women, but it really bothers him to think about me bottoming to other men.
I don’t think it is unreasonable. It isn’t as if he is trying to shut me off entirely from my friend network. It isn’t as if he wants me to stop being friends with the men in my life (I mean dude: he came home and Noah was in my bed. Not exactly a serious stress case.) he just wants our play and sex to be special. I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around why that is wrong.
And yes Pandora, I really would be happier if he is happy. If my behavior is causing him stress and anxiety and misery I will not be happy with it. Especially a consideration that really won’t hurt me to give.
He just wants our play and sex to be special. I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around why that is wrong.
It’s not wrong. It’s just something you’re not used to.
The common mistake people make about poly is that “sex is meaningless, because you can do it with anybody. It may as well be a video game.” Ok – a fun video game, but still. They don’t pay attention to the people for whom poly might mean “one extra person, after a long time of negotiating” or something similar.
My point (and I do have one) is that he invests a lot of emotion and meaning into sex and play, and “sharing” isn’t done as easily for him, as it is for you. It sounds like you’re being very respectful of that, despite not feeling the experience of it. I hope he can come to the same conclusion.
You might also want to think about what you get from Boymeat and Dad that’s particular to them, and if Puppy is able to give it to you. Is it attitude, is it a particular skill, or is it just a purely emotional reaction based on past experience? He can’t do anything about the last, but the other two he might be able to work on.
Hope this helps. Or, at least, doesn’t hurt.
Actually that does help.
What I get from Dad is a continuation of years of bonding and relationship building. He is an incredibly important part of my life and play is just one layer of the many many layers that make up our relationship. Whereas I feel no dissonance over telling him no sex, no play seems like it would be eliminating some of the bonding and closeness we share.
From Boymeat? Well frankly… not many people manage to scare me in a scene and boy howdy does he. There are things about his attitude, his skill set, and just from the fact that he can crawl inside my brain and tell me these sick and fucked up things…. and oh my god is he just wetting my panties. Oh yeah. Boymeat is the whole damn package.
Puppy can easily gain the skills that these men have, but he can’t get the “aura” that makes them so special. They rock my world in ways that most just don’t. And giving that up would be awful.
I’m so with you there.
For me, the AMORous is an important part of being poly. I love all my current sexual partners. I love people in addition to my sexual partners. I’ve been polyfi (in a triad) in the past. I would do it again in the right circumstances. Its pretty rare for me to have sex with someone who I am unwilling to fall in love with (I’ve done it once in the past decade). Granted, I may not actually fall in love with someone, but if I know I can’t trust someone with my heart, its not in my best interest to trust them with the slippery bits. (YMMV, and I’m under no illusion that what works well for me would work at all for someone else.)
I’m really glad you know that so clearly hun, that’s awesome. I didn’t mean it as any critique or negativity.
Great work heading right back into the conversation and being able to sort it out so clearly.
I’ve always been amused that guys aren’t threatened by a woman having any sort of sex with another woman, but aren’t comfortable with it being a guy. (I refer to it as the, “My uterous” syndrom). From my perspective its the intimacy not the particuar choice of activities.
The downside of monogamy, being monogamous.
Yeah, much as I hate to poke at anybody’s personal sore spots, this is always one that pisses me off. “Girls, you know, they’re not a threat because they’re just girls.” Gah.
Whenever I think about this, I think about my fiance, Jeff.
For those who know me – yes, I was engaged to a biological man named Jeff… who didn’t think girls were a threat, hah!