In trying to explain something to Puppy about my processing of pain I figured something out.
It isn’t that I can’t handle pain. I can take some serious pain. It is that my skin is extremely sensitive and I get overwhelmed by sensation very easily–even sensation that isn’t very painful. I HATE taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap with a cane. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Even if the sensation is pretty subtle. I will do anything to get away from that feeling.
I need to have a few seconds between impacts, but if you build slowly I will take far harder strokes than you thought I would be able to. Just let me breathe.
The “freak out” that most people don’t know what to do with is just me being overwhelmed. It’s not that I’m in pain. So let me breathe, and then hit me again.
Yep. Sounds familiar. That’s one of the things I used to use “yellow” for. I didn’t need it lighter, just slower, time to breathe so I didn’t get overwhelmed.
Nowadays, Signore (the sadist!)chooses whether or not to give me slow warmup or to overwhelm me. Sometimes (often!) he likes the “panicked, overwhelmed, terrified” reaction. And for us, that’s part of my service to him – giving him my fear and panic as well as taking pain. But it sure ain’t pleasant or comfortable. And I’d hate to have started out that way…
If that’s true, then for God’s sake, don’t get tattooed!