I am caught up on all of the bills I have been…not…looking at…

*sigh*

I have one event in the next month or so that I need to pay an entrance fee for. There is no way around it. I am not going to be eating out at all. I am not going to clubs for a while. Nada. If you love me and want to see me, don’t ask me to go out for lunch/dinner with you. I can’t do it this month. How about if we split groceries and one of cooks instead?

My Puppy left me this morning.

We were both quite upset.

I told him that we can handle three days without cracking. It isn’t as if three days is forever or as if Illinois is that far away. He is not going to the moon or anything.

It is going to suck when he goes to Nepal next month. 🙁

I need to post. I have been trying to find stuff that I have written about after care and regressing and I just can’t freakin find it. It is not to be located through lj or that other blog site. This is most frustrating.

The dinner conversation on Friday was very good. We went over most of the logistics of what we are going to do and when. I found out that there will be a person there that I hadn’t expected. Oh… uhm… ok. I had been told a while ago that she was going to be invited but it was never brought up again so I didn’t think she wanted to. Silly me apparently. It is fine. She will not be in the room while the scene is happening.

We discussed how we don’t want to have absolutely all the logistics worked out before the event because things need to be a surprise. Although my understanding is that it will not happen immidiately or too early in the trip because I will get to establish baseline.

Then there was major drama. The scene was almost cancelled. We did decide to go through with it, but it wasn’t an easy decision. It turns out that the person who is doing this with me is making a much bigger commitment to me than I had anticipated and I am quie grateful. This is such a scary thing and to find out that it is even a bigger thing than we thought is unnerving. There was also a minor drama with the person I didn’t know was coming. I believe it has been resolved and that she understands that I do indeed want her to come.

Aftercare stuff. I tried and tried to find reference to this. I even have an ljbook now so that I can search through the archive of my lj easily. Oh well.

This scene will require much more intense aftercare than usual. Puppy is going to show up around midnight. He asked and the other people involved in the scene gave consent as well. I think it will be good. I will almost certainly withdraw; it is SOP for me when I am upset. It is not a good idea to touch me without permission when I am like this. But asking to touch me is probably a good thing. I will probably hesitate before giving consent; tell me that you love me and I am safe. (Do you have any idea how odd it is to be able to dissect this about myself? This is freaky.) I will probably want to sit in laps and be rocked. I will want my hair stroked. I will have trouble talking, but it is important that you encourage me to talk. Give me gaps of air time in encouraging me to talk–it will be very hard to find the words that I need. I will probably start crying mid-sentence, stroke my hair until I can talk again. I know it will be hard to listen to what I am saying when you love me.

I am going to bring Ted and Edmund and Nighty-night and “security blankets” from childhood. I do not know if I am going to go little or if I am going to handle this as an adult. I really don’t. If I seem to be very regressive that won’t significantly change how you will want to treat me in this event anyway. I do specifically make the request that people speak somewhat softly and try to make sure your tone of voice is gentle. I am going to be very easy to scare. If I pull away from your touch, let me go and don’t take it personally. It will be so easy to overwhelm me. That being said, if I put my hand out even slightly, I am probably requesting touch and I won’t be good at doing so verbally.

I may have trouble being touched by men. It is not about whether or not I love you or trust you. I may want men to touch me more than usual. I don’t know yet.

Thank you. Thank you so much for being part of this on any level. Thank you for loving me. Four more days.

So this morning I wasn’t feeling too great about people in general.

When I got home this morning I walked next door to Don’s Body Shop to talk to them about possibly replacing my window. The fellow who runs it checked out several options and actually sent me to a competitor who is fixing my window this afternoon for rather cheap. It will be a tinted window, and so it will be out of place with the rest of my windows–but it will happen today and for a lot less money than I thought possible.

He is going to get cookies.

I am so grateful that there are such good people in the world.

So, yesterday I got up after 5 hours of sleep to go hiking. I thought this was not necessarily a smart idea, but I sucked it up. I really wanted to spend the day with Puppy. The hike was a blast and loads of fun. I am glad I went. I do wish that I had put sunblock on. I am one crispy critter.

Then we went over to the kinky flea. I didn’t see anything inspiring (shocker) but I did get to speak with friends. We tried to go out to dinner with a group of people, but dinner didn’t arrive before we had to leave so we contributed $20 towards some salad and some bread. I think he may have had some of the calimari as well. But I left hungry and grumpy. (It was Buca di Beppo’s–that is why us leaving didn’t matter.) I also spent most of waiting for dinner feeling grumpy because I didn’t appreciate the comment of, “Maybe they would think you were a good girl if you actually were one.” I felt crappy and I just wanted to leave then instead of sitting there for another 35 minutes.

We went to the kinky rape survivor’s discussion group. If I had been a better person I would have really read the message sent out and I would have known it was for survivor’s only and I wouldn’t have brought Puppy. The group decided they were ok with him staying though and I am so grateful that they did. The discussion bothered me far more than I thought it would. I realized how much some recent stuff has been bothering me. I realized that I haven’t been taking good care of myself and that I have been letting people do things to me that actually hurt me and I feel really bad as a result. The group is going to try to meet once a month, I think I am going to make it a priority to go.

After leaving the meeting we walked back to my car to find out it was broken into. My passenger window was smashed and his backpack was stolen. Nothing else, thank goodness. I had a bag full of rope worth more than $250 in the car and I still have it and all my books. I wouldn’t have been able to replace them all. But now I get to replace my window. 🙁

Later in the evening Puppy and I had a long conversation about D/s and our relationship. Based on some of the things I talked about in the group he said that he would like to have final say on who I can play with. I haven’t decided how I feel about that yet. I told him reasons that I think it is a bad idea and reasons that I like the idea, but it is still up in the air. He specifically wants people to have to come talk to him before they do anything with me. I think that would be awkward for people I have been playing with for 5 years. 🙁 But many good things were talked about as well. We are still in discussion.

Then we took a bath together and he combed my hair and we slathered Aloe Vera all over one another. That was much soothing goodness. I had trouble falling asleep. I kept getting scared and crying and waking myself up when I would start to drift off. He pulled me close and held me against him and it got better. I eventually did sleep.

I am still under-slept from the weekend though. And I am emotionally raw from a lot of things. And I am really upset about my car. Fixing it is going to hurt financially right now. 🙁 I have no choice but to suck it up though.

I’m on my way to talk about being raped.

I can feel my throat closing up already.

I am wearing tough girl camo pants and a shirt that says, “If you can read this you’re too close.” It is my attempt at levity considering the situation. I wonder if it will help.

Today I have made chocolate chip cookies and dough for sugar cookies (it has to set in the fridge for a while–they will be made tonight) and cinammon rolls.

I have done 3 loads of laundry and folded a fourth.

I have had really good sex and a productive relationship conversation.

I have also told someone off for misrepresenting something that I wrote in a private forum in another public forum.

Oh, and I cleaned my shower and finished picking up my room. Now I am going to go start the Evil task of going through paper work before I head down to dinner with two of my favorite men in the whole world.

For the record: this is what “nesting” looks like.

He thinks I’m just being nice. He doesn’t realize that I have skillfully planned this situation. I am not just doing his laundry. I am holding it hostage. See. He has to come back to my house now cause he has no clothes at his house.

He just doesn’t understand.

“I am your worst nightmare. A redneck with a microphone.”

“You seemed so much softer in class today. You said about the same thing you have said before, but I wasn’t afraid of you. Are you in a good mood?”

“She is so mean! All the time….” “Hey! I am still standing here!”

“I met his new girl at the munch. You are So Much Smarter than her.”

“Why don’t you just bring your laundry to my house? That way we can make cookies while you do it.” “Why would I drag my laundry all the way to your house? That would be silly.” “It would be free.” “HELL YEAH! Let’s go.”

So. I have occasionally mentioned in small settings that I have an interest in teaching abroad when I finish school next year. I was wondering if anyone could give me pointers on this. I have begun doing research on the possibilities that exist and it looks like Asia may be the best idea. Japan is looking very interesting. I know that some of you have connections with people who are currently teaching in Japan. Is it possible for me to get contact info?

Uhm. Life is interesting. I wonder where it is going to take me…

“Though much of Iceland is covered with snow, glaciers, and lava plateaus, the town of Hveragerdi is graced with greenhouses where geothermal energy is harnessed to grow bananas. You remind me of this oasis, Virgo. Though you’re surrounded by what might be described as a barren wasteland, you yourself are a warm, nurturing source of fertility. No matter how inhospitable it might get outside of your circle in the next two weeks, you should just keep growing.”

Fellow Virgos: it doesn’t suck to be us this week.

Me: I spend entirely too much time worrying about how the stuff is arranged on the door of the fridge.

Miss Jenny: You are cute when you’re anal.

Me: *blink* *blink*

Miss Jenny: Not when you are doing anal!

Why include DXM? I do not take this question to be negative from either of you who asked. You both love me a LOT and you are worried about me. I am not going to threaten to with hold information because you are showing me how much you worry about me.

Why. Why indeed. For a few reasons. Dosage first: I will probably be taking the same dose I took last time to get to third plateau. I know what that feels like and I think that is where I need to get to.

Why do I want to be raped in conjuncture with a disassociative? Well, for one thing because it will be real. If the person involved were to just force me to have sex in a clear state of mind I would be very aware the entire time of how much I trust and love this person and I would be aware that he was doing it because I asked him to. Yes, I know it will be real. That is the point. However, when you say that there will be new memories of new trauma–I think you aren’t quite understanding how the memory works in such situations. There will be new memories of trauma, but they will not be of the same type I have from my childhood. It isn’t possible to form those sorts of coherent memories in that state. This is going to be one of the most terrifying things that has ever happened to me. I choose it for that reason.

I know there is the possibility of a psychotic break. I am taking the risk very consciously and deliberately. I am also putting in place safe guards. I am setting up the situation so that I can be taken care of when it is over. We are meeting to talk about it in advance so that we can discuss what will happen and how. There will be some measure of control in the back of my brain, even as I am unable to stop it and I am not really in a stable place.

I know that you love me. I know that you are worried. Thank you so much for being concerned. It will be ok. I know what I want out of this. I have a very strong mind and consciousness and I truly believe that I will be able to handle the outcome. I have survived far worse in my past–this will not break me. This time I will have people who love me who will take care of me. (Not constantly, I am not expecting that much from anyone.) It will be ok. Progress can be made in baby steps or in huge leaps. I am not good at baby steps.

Has anyone else gotten an email like this?

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due to concerns, for the safety and integrity of the Internet Banking community we have issued this warning message. It has come to our attention that your account information needs to be updated due to inactivity.

If you could please take 5-10 minutes of your online experience and renew your records you will not run into any future problems with the online service. However, if you choose to ignore our request, you leave as no choice but to temporary suspend your account.
Please use the link below to access our mainframe database verification system and confirm the information we have on file for your account.

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Note: Requests for information will be initiated by Regions Business Development; this process cannot be externally requested through Customer Support.

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Hey pervs, you will like this: http://www.iron-rose.com/marketplace/keynote.htm

This is a very small, very tight filter. Please don’t assume that anyone is on it with you unless they see fit to respond. There is more than one case in here where I put one person who is part of a couple/triad/whatever and not the other partner(s) because I didn’t feel the other partner(s) would appreciate seeing this. I can take you off of it if the subject matter disturbs you. You are the few people that I want to process this with.

So I have a rape scene planned. It is going to happen in 12 days. It has been discussed for months. I am having dinner with the person who will be doing it and the person who will be supervising/providing aftercare this Friday to talk about it in advance. Given my preferences for written over oral communication, I’m going to write up some of what is going through my head about it in advance though. Doing this is risky on a couple of levels. First: part of the point of the experiment is that I will be on DXM. I am shooting for:
“At third plateau, the psychotomimetic (psychosis like) effects of dextromethorphan take over. Hallucinations are still there, but it is likely the altered state of consciousness will be the dominating factor of the experience. Sensory input can be seriously impaired, particularly vision. Logic and causality easily break down once you get to the third plateau levels. Notions that are totally bizarre may seem to make perfect sense. It is very east to become extremely delusional and disoriented. One might also recall forgotten or repressed memories at these levels. The effects vary so greatly that there is no “typical” third plateau trip. Just expect it to be overwhelming. Depending on how things go, this could make for a good or bad trip. Unfortunately, for most, at this level trips tend to go bad. Although, ironically, it is often the case that the bad trips are the ones that you learn the most from. Needless to say, one can see the importance of a sober trip sitter at this level. Many still can move about at third plateau levels, and unintentionally or intentionally harm themselves. The sitter at third plateau is mostly there to make sure the tripper doesn’t do anything stupid. Something serious possibly could come up that would require calling an ambulance, but it is unlikely that this would be needed at third plateau.”

Why am I doing this? I’m nervous about writing it out because I’m not sure the reasons are good, but they are my reasons and do I really have to please anyone else with them? I’m not entirely sure why I am sharing them with anyone other than the two people I will be with, but you love me. And you worry about me. So I am not keeping you in the dark. I’ve been raped. It is something that I talk about quite often and even semi-easily. I don’t talk about the overwhelming guilt I feel about it very often. I feel like many of the times were my fault. Especially when I was date raped. I didn’t fight hard enough. They might have believed I actually wanted it… So I have it in my head to work on some reprogramming. I am going to fight. I am going to fight as long and as hard as I am capable of. And it is going to happen anyway. Tom and I worked on rape scenes and I usually felt a lot better about myself when it was over. It is a weird dichotomy. I have to feel safe before I can say no–and yet it is when I am unsafe that I need to say no the most and when I am safe that it matters the least. I think part of the reason that I want to work through this on DXM is I know this will be a bad trip. I know this is going to be even more terrifying for me than being raped was. But when it is over, I am going to be taken care of. I actually wonder if part of what I want from this experience is the aftercare of being told that it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong and have someone physically take care of me when it is over.

I never told anyone when I was raped. I tended my wounds as best I could alone and didn’t tell anyone. To this day I feel upset about that. I did not receive any comfort after being horribly violated and hurt. I need to relive that experience and be taken care of after. My best friend is going to take care of me. I’ve done some pretty serious shit in the efforts to reparent myself and repair the damage of my childhood. This is one more time when I am doing that. I know that this is psychologically risky–but it is a risk I am prepared to take. I have the most awesome support network I could imagine having. The more I sit here and think about it, the more I think that the actual event is second to what I am trying to establish for after.

If you are reading this, you can probably expect a phone call on Sunday, April 17th. I may ask some people to come snuggle me and tell me that everything will be ok. I will see how I feel on the day. If you are reading this it is because I love you very much. You have impacted my world.

Apparently, last night someone was teased and told, “You are spending too much time with Krissy.” Psh. WhatEver. I would put forth that no one can spend too much time with me cause I am just that cool. 😉

Yeah–and you girly who was making cracks about him turning into a smart ass–YOU like spending time with me too. So neiner. 😛

*snuggle*

I started my period today. This is accompanied by massive cramps, a headache, and a fever.

I got to walk home from bart tonight in the dark in the rain. I was wearing cloth shoes and a skirt. Obviously poor planning. By the time I got home I wanted to cry. I was freezing and wet clear through.

My neck hurts. I want to chop off my head to get away from the pain.

And I have god damn acne like a fucking 13 year old.

I’ve had many prompts to think about my identity in the last few days. I’ve thought about what it means to me to be a slut. I’ve thought about how my self-perceptions have changed over the years. I have thought about the different mirrors of who I am, and what completely different views they present and I’ve wondered which of them are most true?

In the eyes of people who have known me for years and years, I am still very harsh and abrasive. My family still defaults to abrasive to describe my personality and it is a word that many old friends still use pretty often. When I have used the word to describe myself recently though, many of the people who have met me in the last year say that they don’t think it fits. I have been told that I am blunt, and extremely honest–but not abrasive. I fight the thought that I am a wussy hypocondriac despite the fact that I have had many doctors yell at me because I take far more pain than I should because I don’t want to admit that I am having a problem. I won’t see a doctor until the problem is really significant and even then I still drive myself because I will not ask anyone for help. Even when I really shouldn’t be driving.

I feel like I am needy and clingy and whiney. It doesn’t make sense to me that people regularly tell me that I can ask for their time and attention. Aren’t I doing it all the time? No? Oh… Last night Puppy and I were having a conversation about how people never see themselves the way that others see them. I trotted out my list of, if not negative then at least very harsh, adjectives and he told me that almost none of them were true. Then he stopped himself. His comment: “Ok, unless I don’t feed you regularly. You can get a bit grumpy when you are overly hungry. But that is fair and is not a negative reflection on your personality.” I don’t know how to change my self-image though. If I am told just about anything positive I will brush it off. Lately, I don’t even believe it when people tell me that I am smart. I am having enormous insecurity issues around my intelligence–enough that I am starting to have trouble in school.

Slut. Since January 1st (just to pick a date) I have had sex with 10 people. Of those people, James, Noah, and Chris were not new to me. So I have had 7 new partners in 2005. Wow. And I thought I was slowing down. Guess not so much… And I’ve been monogamous for 5 weeks. So in the 8 weeks prior I picked up 6 new partners. I guess I am a slut. It is a lot easier to pick up numbers when you are sleeping with couples though. Wow. In the first 8 weeks of 2005 I slept with as many new-to-me people as Puppy has in his entire life. Wow. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Not true. I do somewhat know how I feel about it. I feel like a slut, and not with much pride or self-esteem in it. If I sit down and think about my list–which can take a while–there are exactly 4 specific people that I regret sleeping with. And all of those people happened years and years ago before I was being very conscious about my choices. So why am I so upset about the number? I don’t understand. Why do I feel like a bad person because I have had sex with a lot of people. Every single time I have made the decision to have sex in the past 6 years I have stopped and thought about whether or not I will feel good about the decision in the morning. Will I regret having been with this person? And I have turned down sex when I thought I would feel bad about it later. So why in the hell does the number bother me? None of the people do. I would not take back a single experience–even those 4 people that I shouldn’t have–because these experiences make me who I am. Yet… I still feel like a cheap tramp. Like I am something to be looked down on for my behavior. I wish I could stop hating myself for this. As a result of thinking about this word lately, I have been sort of feeling like it isn’t a good current description of my behavior. But after looking at the numbers–yes it is true. I guess the question is: does it make me a bad person?

How do we get rid of the programming that our families installed in us? How do I stop feeling like any time I request attention I am being too demanding? How do I stop believing that I am a total bitch that no one will ever like? How do I make myself believe that I am a kind person? How do I wrap my head around the belief that I am a generous person? Cause I don’t feel like I am. I feel like I am everything bad that has ever been said about me and more.

Today is the birthday of the most wonderfulest, fabulousest BlackSheep EVER!!!

YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Black Sheep!!!

I love you lots and lots and lots and lots!!!!!!!!!