I have a stupid quiz thing.

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050531204017-475930

It’s pop-up central, but I don’t think there are any bugs on the site.

And cause my niece is the one who wanted it… it’s very vanilla. 🙂

I just sat down and went through my journal over the last year or so. Almost every single time I have my period (I keep track of it) I write something horribly depressive/suicidal/upset either the day before, the first day, or the second day. I wonder if I should start keeping those writings private, just because I know that it is strongly correlated to my cycle. I don’t find many other super depressed posts and the upset ones are generally tied to something pretty significant.

I agree with karenbynight all things done while on my period should be announced with a loud booming voice that I did it “WHILE MENSTRUATING!” Cause Jesus Christ. It seems like getting out of bed and not killing myself are accomplishments on about three days of the month. *sigh*

is big

hurting. why? I have friends. I have family. I have love and support.

casual insults. if you are an emotional masochist and that is why you know me, why in the hell should we continue this relationship? it isn’t good for you or me.

why doesn’t “you are wonderful and I love you” sink in when any level of “you suck” is around?

up. down. happy. crash.

I’m going to go cry some more. it will be hard to do so without my scalpel.

You have got to be the most whiny, self-absorbed, pretentious idiot
I’ve come across at SJSU. Please, for the love of god, don’t be come
a teacher. You suck.
–tim

I found a recipe that I wanted to make for dinner. It sounded hella good and I was really looking forward to it. I’ve been working on prep for about an hour. Puppy just called and checked in and I asked him about dinner. He said that he had a really big late lunch and he won’t be hungry. It’s a bunch of meat–way too much for me. Enough for maybe four people actually. It was going to be a lot with him helping, I was thinking that Ken might stay cause he often does after they go shooting.

My reaction: absolute rage. I am furious, but I don’t know what at. I feel angry and frustrated and I want to cry and break something. This is just fucking dinner. Why am I so upset? He didn’t do anything wrong and in fact he was extremely courteous. But I feel completely shitty and horrible. I’m probably going to toss the meat in the freezer now, because I feel utterly useless and pathetic and because my reaction was so totally over the top I am sitting here crying.

Why can’t I be normal?

So the backlash from coming home is finally hitting in terms of him not feeling very good. It’s normal I keep telling him. I think I should be a bit more careful about what I say for the next day or two. Just cause something is true… doesn’t mean he wants to hear it.

So we were having a conversation, I relayed how much I hate packing in general. He said, “I assume if you really hate it so much that you will stop doing it and have me do it.” I laughed. I told him that it doesn’t matter how much I hate it–it needs to get done and he isn’t likely to do it anytime soon. He comes home from work and flops. He has no energy and he isn’t getting much done at all.

This lead to him making a pretty snotty comment towards me and both of us went into pout mode. Which means that I completely stopped talking and he kind of huffed off and made dinner. An hour or so later we finally talked. He said that he is feeling really bad because he feels utterly useless and that makes him feel like a bad person. But he feels so awful physically that he just can’t seem to make himself do stuff. I told him that I wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings. I know that he needs a few days to recover from all the traveling and the fact that he was sick pretty much the whole time he was in Nepal. I don’t see it as a negative reflection that he isn’t doing anything that he doesn’t absolutely have to right now.

This lead to us examing the fact that I feel really bad and useless if people don’t let me do stuff for them, and he is the same way. I started thinking about this. I have had two really serious long-term relationships. Stephen was utterly useless and wanted me to do bloody everything–cooking, cleaning, fixing the computer and the car, organizing financing… yeah. He wanted a mother. Tom was willing to do the really big stuff–changing the kitchen from an electric stove to a gas stove which involved some pretty serious work, and other stuff of that magnitude, but not much day-to-day. Sure, Noah and James both did stuff for me–but I was seriously uncomfortable and ultimately it was one of the things that probably kept me from commiting more than I did. So now I have Puppy. And I have to adjust in my head to the fact that he wants to make dinner several nights a week. He wants to do the dishes. He wants to do things for me that I am more than capable of doing for myself. I think I have hives just thinking about it. I think this will be one of the most serious relationship compromises I have ever made. I know: poor me… my partner wants to do stuff for me…. It’s hard!

So by the end of the evening I was in a terrible funk and feeling completely horrible and down on myself. Puppy is not one to leave things alone. Issues have to be discussed, Right Now. *sigh* I’m really not thrilled with that method of problem solving. I feel really shitty when I’m pushed to talk before I’m ready. It was funny that he and I had a conversation about that a few hours before he did it. After we talked… I don’t think he heard all of what I said because he latched on to reassuring me about something that I wasn’t upset about… he spanked me. It’s been a couple of weeks and that was really lovely. It lead to some really hot, passionate love making. The goal had been to tie me up first, but the spanking uhm… yeah. It worked for him and he got impatient. So he tied me up while he was inside me. Holy cow was that awesome. I’m telling you, boy has skills.

He really does intend to commit to me in the long-run. It’s actually pretty scary.

I’m taking a break from packing before my back fully rebels.
(I tried to pick names and assign them numbers without reading the questions.)
1. flavoroflove 2. princeofwands 3. cygnet_47 4. tenacious_snail 5. polly_perverse 6. brjulia 7. talleyrand 8. sarahh 9. japlady 10. angelbob
11. vsherbie 12. tigman 13. ribbin 14. porgypie 15. boxofchaos 16. cyranocyrano 17. brehen 18. sillymesaysme 19. blacksheep_lj 20. karenbynight
Is #9 a boy or a girl? A girl. A very uhm… obvious… girl. 🙂
Would #11 and #2 make a cute couple? Hm. Not sure. I think that they are so very different that I can’t even wrap my head around the concept. Not to mention that she is very unavailable. 🙂
How about #18 and #4? *grin* They potentially could, but I don’t think they are suitable. sillymesaysme is too young. 😉 And she is not super queer. 🙂
When was the last time you talked to #12? Not recently enough. We have im’ed within the last few weeks.
What is #6’s favorite band? I have no idea. I know she also likes eclectic music.
Does #1 have any siblings? I have no idea.
Would you ever date #3? Yes. I have wanted to/tried to many times over the years.
Would you ever date #7? Heh. Probably not. He may be one of the prettiest things on two legs and know some really fun things to say, but we just don’t match.
Is #16 single? Yes.
What’s #15’s last name? I know that I have been told, but given the nature of “private” in the scene I have forgotten. It seems almost like the courteous thing to do.
What’s #10’s middle name? Lee! I know one!
What’s #5’s favorite thing to do? I think her favorite thing to do is hang out with friends and have a good drink and talk about some sort of obscure philosophy. Or maybe that is just what she likes to do while I do the dishes. 🙂
Is #13 hot? JesusFuckingChrist yes.
Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? *grin* For a variety of reasons… no.
Tell me a random fact about #11: She is a Christian without being a bigot. Yay!
And #1: She looks good while doing yoga.
And #3: She has some of the most beautiful hair I have ever seen.
Have you ever had a crush on #20? Yes.
Where does #9 live? In that town I used to live in. (I pretend to respect some privacy things…)
What’s #4 favorite color? Green?
Would you makeout with #14? Yes. But he would probably not know what to do with me.
Are #5 & #6 best friends? No, but they would get along.
Does #7 like #20? I don’t think they know one another.
Does #8 like #19? Ditto
How did you meet #2? Movie Night!
How did you meet #18? Dancing. 🙂
Does #10 have any pets? nope
Is #12 older than you? Yup.
Is # 17 the sexiest person alive, or what? I don’t know if I would say the sexiest person alive… I mean… there is some stiff competition. But she is definately in the competition for the top 10. 🙂

Advantages:
We will be living together and not having to negotiate where we are sleeping on any given night.
I will have to drive less.
I will get to have a kitchen of my very own where I don’t have to deal with anyone else’s organizational system. (Control freak much?)
The ability to walk around nekkid and no one can see in and there is no possibility of anyone walking in.
Closer to the Observatory. 🙂
More room to play.
LOTS of closet space.
Lots of space period.
My mom will be crew boss for loading the truck. (She is a GOD when it comes to moving.)
I have wonderful friends who will help with the carrying.
I have access to a projector, so I can have movies on a fairly large screen while I’m packing/unpacking. 🙂

Disadvantages
Me having to do pretty much all of the packing (he’s at work).
Me doing pretty much all of the unpacking (this is partially cause of that control freak bit).
Moving down three floors (there is an elevator) moving up to the second floor (there isn’t an elevator). *sigh*
Taking advantage of my friends. 🙁
Having to clean both apartments that we are moving out of.
Cleaning the apartment we are moving in to.
Not a lot of time to see friends for a while.
Exhaustion.

I am happy about the fact that I will be getting to live with him. I’m a bit nervous about the moving process. *sigh* He is packing the gun stuff. Period. I am so not touching any of it. 🙂

Puppy has chosen to let me off the hook for the Odyssey party and we are going to do the Friday Night Waltz sampler event instead!!!

This boy is going to learn to dance. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

(I’m scanning LJ, which I haven’t really read in a while…)
Me: Damnit people! Would you stop posting! You are only supposed to post so much stuff when I am bored and have time to sit here and read this!
Puppy: (Laughing hysterically) You are hilarious. You really expect people to modify their lives to suit you?
Me: No. But they should.

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
-Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759

So I’m sitting here looking at my budgeting stuff for the next few months and scheduling and such. Damn. I really hate money.

What in the world is so fucking miraculous about BM that I am justifying making my life a bit crappier for months in order to go? The ticket was $260sumthin with shipping. Food, gas to get there, the rest of the equipment I don’t have…. yeah. That will all be at least another $200. And that is not doing anything for “costumes” or “gifts” which I am told over and over that I should do…

I am really tired of not buying food in order to be budgeting crap for this. Am I fucking crazy? I would tell anyone else that they were stupid if they gave up day-to-day necessary for life stuff in order to do something escapist. So what am I doing?!

Thanks Andrew.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the molestation, shocker. I started writing responses to previous comments and I realized that I wanted to say the same thing more than once, so I’ll just make a new post.

I think a huge part of my damage/disassociation/anger/whatever springs from the fact that my mom and my sister didn’t protect me. My father was insane. I blame him squarely for being an evil person–he did the same thing to me that he had done to others before me. I knew from early early childhood, long before being molested, that my father believed that girls were worthless and that he didn’t really love me. So I think that I was somewhat blunted to the extent of damage that he could cause.

I am angry with my sister and my mother. I am angry that they didn’t protect me. They are the ones who could/should have stopped it and they didn’t. I think that I have needed to not talk about it or think about it at least in part because if I do I will lose what ground I have gained in learning to trust them after their many other fuck ups. How can I forgive them for this? My feelings towards my father won’t change in any way by thinking about or processing more about the molestation. I couldn’t hate him more than I do and I will never forgive him for any of what he did.

But if I think about what happened, it will give me one more thing that I have trouble forgiving my mother and sister for. I don’t want to feel any more anger towards them.

Weekend redux:

I really enjoyed the teaching yesterday. I didn’t enjoy the 2nd/3rd graders much, but the older kids were a blast. I really got to remember what it is that I am doing with the time I am spending in these stupid classes. Yay for reaffirming that I love teaching. 🙂 I got kids that wanted to be totally silent to not only read their own work (which is hard to do) but they commented usefully on other people’s work! I was proud of myself and of them. One of the kids was somewhat snarky and said, “You are going to be a very good teacher,” and it was hella funny. She was annoyed at me for making her contribute and work, but she was also acknowledging that I accomplished something and that she was learning from it. I was delighted.

After that I went over to Joe’s art showing. It was nice seeing a bit more of his work at one time and I was quite happy to meet his lovely wife. 🙂 You are a lucky man Joe–I have now at least met pretty much all of the major players in your life. I heartily approve of your taste. 🙂

Then I went down to my mom’s and negotiated with my sister and the kids about tutoring. I think this summer will be good for me and for the kids. I am going to put together two separate curriculum’s (she has failed 7th grade English and he is getting a C- in 10th grade English) to help them catch up on the things they just haven’t learned and hopefully get them more prepared for the next few years. It is going to be a challenge for me and my abilities and I think that knowing I have responsibility will help me to feel more self-esteem about my abilities. Not to mention that having the money will be fantastic and is going to lessen my anxiety about money for a few months. I still won’t be rolling in money or anything, but it will be enough to fill in the gaps. Yay. Then I talked to my mom for a while. I can take my cat when Puppy and I move out together! I am so excited!! I seriously can’t wait! 🙂 Apparently Puff is adjusting well enough in that she doesn’t seem to be upset but according to them I am the only person Puff really likes. *beam* She is fairly cuddly with me and she won’t let anyone else hold her. I feel some amount of ego boost in that fact as well. It is kind of petty and pathetic, but it is nice to have the ego-boost of my cat liking me the most. 🙂

Then I went home and figured out clothes and went up to a party at a friend’s house. It was low-key and mellow and fun. The food was fabulous! I only stayed for about two hours because I was tired. I drove over 170 miles on Saturday and that wears me out. I went back to Puppy’s and had trouble going to sleep. But I was happy to be in his space.

I woke up today around 6 and made breakfast and then went to the store. I was a bad girl and I spent money on hair dye. I am so sick of having two (starting to be three) tone hair. The dye didn’t completely cover, but it left the red in strange places and it looks like I have highlights instead of layers of color. I am quite happy with the results and I think it will grow out looking well. Of course my hair is now horribly dry. I bought enough food to make dinner tonight and tomorrow. I like being domestic like here. I dyed my hair and ran off to the tranny picnic….

And waited. and waited. Cause of course people didn’t arrive on time. *sigh* Why did I rush out of the house? Good lord. Eventually I had fun hanging out with the ever so hot Jess and Angel. Dear LORD they are nice to look at. *swoon* At the kissing booth I had two girls kiss me and I told Jess that since I was willing to volunteer for him I should get a kiss from him. It was nice and I think that about three months ago I would have been ready to pounce him. Now… well… it was nice, and I appreciate his obvious skill, but I had no desire for more. I just want my Puppy.

After that I went to the kinky rape survivor’s discussion group. It was awesome last month. This month it sucked. *sigh* I am really disappointed.

Now I have had my dinner (I hate cooking just for myself) and I’m watching Willow with the projector. I am going to try to stay awake until 9… but I am so tired. My sleep patterns are all over the place. I need my Puppy back so that I have the security of him next to me so that I can sleep.

Oh! And the lovely email from him. {insert hearts here} I have totally scored. I have a boy who sends me reassurances without prompting. Does he know his girl or what?

So ok, I will. Andrew asked me this morning why I will give graphic details about being raped but when I talk about my father I just say “I was molested.”

There are a lot of things at play in it. For one thing: not that much actually happened. He felt me up a few times (before I had even developed so I don’t know what the thrill was), he had me give him a hand-job, and he fingered me once. The time that he fingered me he tried to climb on top of me and I think he was going to fuck me, but that was the night I got up and went to the bathroom and threw up. So not much happened. A lot of the inappropriateness was in the things he said to me–which were wildly inappropriate. He would tell me how incest is not as bad as people claim and he told me that it was better for a girl to learn about sex from her father because he is more invested in taking care of her. He also told me that I should be willing to take care of my brother if no one else was.

I think I don’t actually talk about this much because especially next to the rapes that I went through I feel like it was no big deal and I shouldn’t be terribly traumatized by it. I compare one set of experiences to the other and tell myself, “It wasn’t that bad–just get over it.” What is funny is, I would never tell someone else that. I would never even dream of telling anyone else that.

I think part of my rationalizing it is as not that bad is because my family told me to just get over it. I was told that I was wrong for prosecuting him. I don’t know how to actually acknowledge my feelings about this topic. I don’t think I even know what they are.

Ok, now I’ve said it. So what? I feel so completely disconnected from this topic.

Another email from my Puppy! I just got my little pat on the head of reassurance. Thank goodness. Now I can go spend the day being kissy with a light heart! 🙂

Once again I am writing from the inappropriate location of the classroom in which I am teaching. Ok, so I’m not strictly speaking “teaching” so much as facilitating. These poor kids. I wouldn’t want to do this sort of class on a Saturday. She wants the kids to sit here and workshop one another’s stories. The first two classes didn’t do so very well (they were awfully young) but this group of 6th-8th graders is really quiet and cooperative. I am quite impressed.

I just made a picture of Puppy my desktop picture. I’m being disgusting and schmoopy. I’m trying my best to stay busy in the next few days so that I can stop missing him as much as I have been.

Oh, I promised a silly post to Rhea and Fox. I should give it to them.
On Thursday I was feeling pretty shitty and wrote my previous whiney post. Fox read them and felt pity for me in my pathetic sadness. He invited me to join them for a trip to see Episode 3. Whereas I am far from being a Star Wars fan, I decided it was better than just sitting at Puppy’s and feeling sorry for myself. The drive was somewhat heinous. I tried calling a couple of people who lived near the theater to see if they would like to come with me… no one was interested. On the way I stopped for food… and promptly locked my keys in my car. Again. *sigh (for the record: I tried to get a key made the next day. I have to go find a real locksmith because the type of key I have is apparently unusual or something.) So I stood there and cried for a few minutes. Then I called Rhea and explained the situation. She offered up her AAA and a rescue trip. So AAA was dispatched and we thought we had plenty of time for her to make it up to present the card. Only the guy appeared within 10 minutes and the freeway was stopped. Jesus Christ on a pogo-stick. The guy had my car open in about 45 seconds and then we stood around and discussed the various ways in which days can suck. He was a very odd guy. After a few minutes he got two calls for people he could go help and he decided he didn’t feel like waiting anymore (I cooked up some totally bullshit excuse why the card wasn’t there already and I am quite certain he knew it was bullshit—he just didn’t care.) and he let me sign and he ran away. I called Rhea and told her to turn around and we both made it to the theater with plenty of time.

I have to confess that I really liked the movie. It had stupid dialogue and there were big plot holes and I’m sure that on another day I wouldn’t have been as impressed by it. There was this big overwhelming message (I don’t think it is a spoiler to say this) that if you try to fight your fate you can create an even worse circumstance. Let’s just say that the message felt quite timely for me. I walked out of the theater feeling much more calm and at peace with wondering if Puppy is going to change his mind about us moving out together. Either he will or he won’t and me being so scared isn’t going to change that. I wish I could say that I am still at peace, but I would be lying. All I can say is that today, four days after the movie, I am not as frantic as I was. I have four more days until I can see my lover. I’m just trying to keep busy.

It is amazing how I’m not just missing touch—I am missing his touch. I could very easily find wonderful people to snuggle me, but it just wouldn’t be the same. I want him.

I’m a little less freaked out about money than I was a few days ago. I think that is helping me to feel better as well. I will be tutoring my niece and nephew all summer and that will bring in some extra money. Yay extra money.

when I ran off to Ireland with Tom. It is really fucking uncomfortable. Getting emails about how much the ex has changed and grown up and talking about how good she is does not make me feel secure. *breathe*

I’ve been all over the map emotionally in the last few days. Reading books with sad endings will put me topsy-turvy every time. But it was so good. I have finished the top of the chain mail dress. I have made significant progress on the chemise and cut out a dress. It is going slower than I had thought for several reasons. So I called my mom and asked her if I can borrow her machine for the summer when I move out and no longer have access to Miss Jenny’s.

Moving out is so soon. I’m all scared. I am still really freaked out wondering if he is going to back out. I wouldn’t blame him. I don’t think I would sign on for dealing with me. 🙁

Hi. I didn’t intend to be online today, but my afternoon plans cancelled on me and I was at a place where I can play online. Catching up on lj is unlikely, but I’m trying. Then I will go home and maybe sew more.

Moving on June 11th. Anyone want to help?

Hey ya’ll– thanks to the kindness of princeofwands and sarahh I have now emailed my paper. Go me.

I am going to leave their house now and go home and start cutting out pattern pieces. Sewing, chain mail, and packing are going to be my primary activities for the next two weeks. If anyone wants to come hang out with me while I do these things, please do! I would love the company. 🙂

And calling me is way ok. Headsets are our friend and it won’t be a distraction. 🙂