Lots of good stuff is happening in my life. But what do I focus on?
Minor frustrations about things that if I posted it here it would really piss off the person I am irritated with.
Being scared about this relationship tanking after I am taking a huge risk.
I am really having issues dealing with my weight right now. Puppy is capable of speaking frankly about the fact that yes, I am carrying around about 20 extra pounds. He is adamant that he doesn’t feel I need to lose weight and that he wouldn’t love me any more if I lost weight and he won’t love me any less if I lose weight, but I feel extra shitty and crappy and fat and ugly.
What in the fuck is wrong with me? I had a really awesome weekend. Puppy and I took in our applications for the apartment that we want. I have wonderful friends who comfort me as I feel ubershitty with no cause. There really is nothing more that I could ask for.
Why in the hell do I want to cut so bad that I am avoiding my bathroom then?
*hug*
Have you ever noticed that only half of the light sockets in my bathroom have lightbulbs? There is a reason for this. It is an okay reason.
hugs and support.
Depression sucks.. and its not necessarily situational. Love you lots and look forward to hugs the next time I see you.
ditto on “depression isn’t necessarily situational.”
I’m glad that you aren’t cutting, and wish the “shitty time” didn’t happen.
Shitty time= A term that my primary partner and I created. It’s when the depression’s talking. Doesn’t matter that, on some level, the world is good, great even. When the depression talks, everything is wrong, sometimes terrible, but never ‘okay’.
perfectly normal, your about to undertake something huge and its scary, change is scary even if its change your excited about.
Actually, having everything go so well and feeling crappy might not be so contradictory as it would seem. I often get edgy and uncomfortable whenever my situation or self-esteem takes a major turn for the better. After all, this takes me out of my range of comfort, and feeling better about myself and the world takes a while to adjust to.
The same might be happening with you.
That’s a good thought. I’ll put that in my pocket. I might need it.
I call this the Disneyland effect. When things around you are going well, and your rational mind says you should be having a good time, but you are just ok, or even a little depressed it seems so much worse than if things were going shitty and you were having the same emotions. Going to Disneyland does this to me, hence the name.
Depression is just fucked up brain chemicals, and chemicals very seldom listen to reason. Avoid cutting if you can, talk to a therapist if you can, and know that you are loved.
*ditto* on both the change is scary and you’re wonderful perfectly as you are and perfectly as who you would become, weight gain or loss. I know that the words don’t mean much, but I’m saying them anyway.
Also glad that you’re not cutting. Wish I could provide you with useful alternatives. ;\
I’m going to say the thing no one else has said: I *don’t* think you’re carrying any “extra” weight. There really isn’t any science that addresses weight issues *well*, there’s just lots and lots of contradictory studies.
1. Who the hell says Puppy is right?
2. Why the hell does he keep saying it to you, right OR wrong? It’s clearly making you unhappy. Tell him to keep it to himself, yes, even when you ask.
Ditto on the brain chemicals of depression. Also, being female, our hormones are slightly different every day of the month. So even if it’s not PMS time, they can affect mood, interact with the body’s reaction to other chemicals generated by everything from getting too much/not enough sleep to hours of exposure to sun, to what one ate last night. That may or may not explain any given bout of shittyness, but it’s a rationalization that sometime helps me. I’m stubborn and not about to let some stupid molecules win!
All this affects what you see in the mirror too. I’m pretty sure I don’t look any different than I did two months ago before spring sun, garden work, and a new job boosted my mood. But now I look in the mirror and see the stuff I like where two months ago everything was ugly.
And your friends are going to love you regardless of the blue times. You’re still bright, vivacious and lovely regardless of what you see in the mirror. And, given the new research about the health benefits of being a bit over that stupid BMI they’ve been touting for a while now, you may have less to lose than you think.
Some days are just weird regardless. I got no idea why. They just are.
We’ll get through em. Even if it just means ignoring what a stupid day we’re having till a better on comes along.
hugs.
i think you’re curvaceous and that the excrementalness of the day, or the mood, is a momentary thing. I send hugs…
I think you want to cut b/c u can feel your pain and old dreck just underneath the surface, and maybe it feels like if you cut you can bleed it on out. Like when it’s almost time for to pop that nasty old pimple, but not quite? and you try popping it anyway?
me, I don’t cut, I pick. Any time I am stressed, I pick every damned scab and pimple I have, until I bleed and get crusty. It ain’t pretty.
good thing that you realize 1) you have wonderful friends and 2) ubershittiness is without cause. (ubershitty is a really funny word in my head, just right now. Of course, I drank a 8% beer on an empty stomach…)
and yeah, there is more you could ask for. There is always more, beloved.
Among other things, you could ask for speed in healing, a vision of a clear path to health, both mental and physical.
So many girlfriends with abuse issues have weight and appearance issues! I do too, and I don’t consider my abuse issues to be terribly heavy… however I constantly eat for comfort. An old philosophy.
Learn first to live with the you you have now. (as I am trying to do) then see a few small changes you can make to move you toward the you you want to be. (for me, first step’s trying to cut out white sugar and cream, both real and non-dairy…) Then live with the you, you are then.
It’s all about the babysteps and the learnign to Finally Love Yourself.
love you, chica.
(hugs) You are beautiful, no matter what weight you are at. Ditto what others have said about the new research that FINALLY tells the truth that this cult of thinness our culture has is not necessarily healthy. And remember that “good stress” is still stress, so the positive change of having Puppy in your life can still bring on feelings of anxiety.
But you knew all that. I’m just reminding you of what you, the smart girl, alreay knew.
(hugs)