So I had insomnia last night. And I woke up to an alarm, which makes me grumpy. It makes me even more grumpy when Puppy doesn’t get out of bed and decides that he actually wants to roll over and sleep for another hour. I don’t go back to sleep once I’ve woken up–so this fucks me, and not in a good way. Eventually he wakes up and I am not the sweetest girl I have ever been. We both lie there for a while not talking, there is obvious tension in the air and I can’t tell if it is me being a bitch cause I’m tired or if there is something on his mind or what. He went and took a shower.

Then he came back and dropped a bomb on me. Then another. Then another. He said he doesn’t think he can do D/s how I want it. He isn’t sure he wants to move so far from school. He is worried about putting that many miles on his vehicles. He doesn’t want to give up his friends for me. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Excuse me? This pretty much immidiately resulted in me bolting to the far corner of the bed and sobbing and saying over and over, “God how could I have been stupid enough to trust you?”

I don’t remember all of the conversational twists and turns. There were a lot of them. When I stopped sobbing we got to: I didn’t ask for the D/s structure that we wrote up (and have never actually signed so therefore I am not behaving as if it exists). I am absolutely unwilling to move further north and I am already putting more miles on my vehicle than he will be. I haven’t asked him to give up his friends, in fact–I encourage him to make plans with people and go do things without me. There were a couple of other things that came up in this rant.

It was more than an hour of going back and forth. So much for getting to work early. The pressure of turning in the deposit today for the apartment resulted in some pretty serious tension that totally exploded. We discussed how I haven’t asked him for anything as far as D/s goes. He is making assumptions about what he thinks I want and then he feels bad when he can’t live up to those assumptions. That has nothing to do with me and I can’t fix that for him. He knows that I would prefer that he spend time in the evening with me and so he feels like he is going to give me that time to the expense of his job. Dude. It’s a preference. I am well acquinted with real life and I am well aware that one doesn’t get everything one wants. Compromises are made and I am not going to try and keep him from doing his job. He said that he feels guilty about moving so far from Ken. I told him that if his friendship with Ken can’t withstand a 15 minute drive then he is a shitty friend and Ken is better off finding someone else anyway. He didn’t really like me saying that, but I bloody well think it’s true. He can still go visit Ken. Ken will always be welcome in his home, even though I’m not fond of the guy. There will be multiple rooms in this house–I can always go somewhere else and I am fine with that.

He said he doesn’t think he will be ok with me not liking guns. Uhm. Well, tough shit. I get up and leave the room when guns are discussed. I don’t feel rancor over this; I’m not bitter. It is just what I need to do and I am really ok with it. I will not shoot handguns and I am not real fond of shooting rifles so I will probably do it once a year or less. But I am fine with him pursuing his hobby to whatever degree he wants to. I fully understand that he intends to collect weaponry from whatever war period, and I don’t give a shit. If it is under lock and key so that no one can hurt themselves–knock yourself out buddy. I don’t think my accomodations on this issue are in any way unreasonable.

He’s worried about the mileage on his car?! Dude. No pity there. Welcome to the bay area.

He asked me what I would do if he stopped wanting to have anything to do with the scene. I told him that I would continue to have my scene friends the same way he has his gun friends. Not all of our friends have to be friends for both of us. And if he didn’t want to play with me in private anymore, then I would have to negotiate for the ability to play with other people because it is something I need to have in my life.

I told him that one of the differences between us is that I know that I have needs a, b, c, and d. If he can meet a, b, and d then that is wonderful. I still have need c and I will go elsewhere to get that need met. It does not take away from how much I love him and it does not take away from him meeting a, b, and d. That’s largely what friends are for.

He said he feels like I keep up my armor with him and I am defensive and I don’t “let him in.” I said of-fucking-course I am defensive and I was just fucking proved right.

He said that he isn’t sure he can live with someone who is so up and down emotionally all the time. He can’t handle me getting angry all of the time. First off, I’m not actually angry 1/10 of the time that he thinks I am. I have a really sharp tone of voice and I know it and I try to control it but quite frankly life is pretty stressful right now and I’m not doing a great job. I told him that the way I control my mood swings is by having a very stable life. I control the people I let in it. I have a very set and predictable schedule. That is pretty much the only way I can keep my chemicals in balance. I have not had a stable life in a year and a half. So yeah, I’m pretty fucking unstable right now. I flat told him that if he is going to put a condition on this relationship that I be stable then he needs to walk out the door right now. I can not and will not promise that and if that is something he is going to make mandatory then he does not love me for who I am and he needs to find someone else. I try to work on it, and I try to not be completely unstable–but I do that for me. It can’t be something I am doing for him. Neither of us will be happy that way because I can never really ‘make’ him happy. I have to do it just for me. After many twists and turns he said that he is going to start asking me if I am actually angry when I snap at him. He also wants to start calling me Snap.

This was such an emotional up and down morning. I went through so many cycles of panic and fear and upset. When it was over he was smiling and delighted and I was still shakey. He said that he is now secure that he can bring up stuff that is bothering him and I won’t bolt. Was this some sort of fucking TEST?!

I said that I will not put up with him telling me maybe yes maybe no before every major decision. That if he continues this sort of baiting crap that I’m not ever going to trust him.

We talked and we talked and we talked. We talked about where his shit is and where my shit is. We talked about how to accomodate one another while not compromising our own needs. I flat won’t agree to something that I can’t do and it isn’t ok for him to ask me to. (Be stable. Yeah. If I could just “be stable” I would have done it a long fucking time ago buddy. It isn’t as if it is fucking fun to be inside the maelstrom.)

Now I think I am even more fucking crazy. We put the deposit down. I might be making a huge mistake, but you never know until you try. He is so wonderful to me. Can I really be upset with him for having fears and doubts too? We have both been burned–him even more so than me. He had his wife leave him for his best friend because she decided he couldn’t meet her needs. No wonder he is skittish. When we were standing outside the rental office company he turned to me and asked me if I was sure. I said no. I said I am taking a leap of faith. I am putting trust in him and in us when there is not currently a reason to. I am praying that this works out. He nodded. We went in.

When we came back to my house we went back to the issue of D/s and I finally laid out exactly what it is that I want from D/s and play. So far I have been letting things move at his pace because he is the newbie and he needs more space and such than I do. But I completely stated what I want. He told me it wasn’t anything near as scary as what he thought I wanted. Well… no… He is rather adorkable. We revisited the issue of playing with other people. He feels enormous guilt about ‘not letting me’ bottom to other people. I finally managed to get it through his head that he thinks that sex is the most personal thing and I think submitting is the most personal thing. I don’t want to submit to a bunch of people. I never have. Rarely do I bottom to anyone other than my partner anyway and I am very very happy to reserve that entirely for him. He just hadn’t made the connection there. We still have our grandfathered people and that is where it is going to stay.

And now I am physically exhausted (not sleeping) and emotionally drained. And he is leaving in 34 hours. 🙁