So ok, I will. Andrew asked me this morning why I will give graphic details about being raped but when I talk about my father I just say “I was molested.”
There are a lot of things at play in it. For one thing: not that much actually happened. He felt me up a few times (before I had even developed so I don’t know what the thrill was), he had me give him a hand-job, and he fingered me once. The time that he fingered me he tried to climb on top of me and I think he was going to fuck me, but that was the night I got up and went to the bathroom and threw up. So not much happened. A lot of the inappropriateness was in the things he said to me–which were wildly inappropriate. He would tell me how incest is not as bad as people claim and he told me that it was better for a girl to learn about sex from her father because he is more invested in taking care of her. He also told me that I should be willing to take care of my brother if no one else was.
I think I don’t actually talk about this much because especially next to the rapes that I went through I feel like it was no big deal and I shouldn’t be terribly traumatized by it. I compare one set of experiences to the other and tell myself, “It wasn’t that bad–just get over it.” What is funny is, I would never tell someone else that. I would never even dream of telling anyone else that.
I think part of my rationalizing it is as not that bad is because my family told me to just get over it. I was told that I was wrong for prosecuting him. I don’t know how to actually acknowledge my feelings about this topic. I don’t think I even know what they are.
Ok, now I’ve said it. So what? I feel so completely disconnected from this topic.
If I may- sometimes sharing experiences is really all one can say.
I have similiar reactions to the range of abuse I’ve experienced. THe thing is, I think the soft abuse is almost worse- because it was about the tone and it so much more regularly undermined my sense of trust and safety.
My grandfather was pretty much all groping/inuendo, digital penetration, and reading horrible things to me, making me listen. It was rationalized by him as “just being a dirty old man”. That blowing off of wholey inappropriate behavior makes me feel more violated though — that he thought I was worth so little that I wouldn’t tell, he was sure of it (and he was right) makes me most angry of all.
It’s interesting for me to read this. I think I may have similar reactions about stuff from my mom. Totally different experiences for me, but years later (and still) of: “It wasn’t anything really bad; I shouldn’t be this affected. Why can’t I just get over it?”
My therapist explained it one time in a way that made a bit more sense to me. She was, well, my mom (or, a parent). The only one I have. In theory, someone who was supposed to be the most important, the most influential, and the most dependable person of my early childhood. So, yeah. Everything was important.
I’m still working on my perspective, but it’s gotten easier to think about.
She was, well, my mom (or, a parent). The only one I have. In theory, someone who was supposed to be the most important, the most influential, and the most dependable person of my early childhood.
It’s *still* hard for me to get my head around this idea. I mean, I get it. It’s just so wildly different from my actual upbringing that it still never really makes sense to me.
It’s *still* hard for me to get my head around this idea. I mean, I get it. It’s just so wildly different from my actual upbringing that it still never really makes sense to me.
Which is probably a big part of why people have vastly different reactions to having been molested. The trauma is probably in proportion to one’s expectations of the people who are supposed to care for one. Having no (good) expectations of them to begin with is an entirely different problem.
I feel like I have no reason to have expectations of my father, and yet I always did. I want a daddy so bad that I try to create in my life still. There is this vast, gaping hole where that person belongs–and I can never really fill it.
I feel like I don’t miss the man that he was, he was horrible. I miss what I wish I would have had. And there is nothing I can do about that. I wish I had never had anything at all rather than him.
No, it’s not reasonable to have expectations of your-dad-the-adult-person, but it is completely reasonable for a child to have expectations of her father, including the expectation that he will not abuse her.
You probably have already been told this–a lot of families have very elaborate structures about who they protect and who bears blame in order to protect their own fucked-up-ness. When somebody throws off that structure they go bugshit and insane and will say any crazy thing in order to try to make it the way it was. Things like telling a little girl being sexually abused by her daddy was no big deal and not worthy of prosecution.
It wasn’t about any true thing and it wasn’t about you. It was all about them and protecting their sick, sorry psyches.
I’ve never been raped, so I can’t personally compare the two. But I do know that incest/molestation is usually more traumatic than the actual sex acts would imply because, much like rape, it’s not about sex. It’s about sombody you should be able to trust violating you.
I would imagine, again with no real basis for comparison, that rape is like being shot at with a nuclear weapon, while being molested is like being forced to walk through a mine field.
What is interesting is, the incidents with my father were all specific events. They took place on a total of about five occasions. So the damage was more in my trust of the other members of my family, because they betrayed me and told me to just put up with it. It’s an odd thing to realize.
The reason I wanted you to talk about it was that it was obvious you were still avoiding the subject. Given the way you talk about anything and everything, that did not seem in character, so I was curious. Please rid of the idea that this was no big deal. This was a big fucking hairy deal with brass knobs on and a score by John Williams.
And as for the response of your family… well, there is a lot of sick shit going on there, and you are the only one who is healing.
Ok, now I’ve said it. So what? I feel so completely disconnected from this topic.
That is perhaps the most telling thing. No doubt you’ve needed to distance yourself from this most fundamental betrayal in order to survive. Now getting past it is likely to require getting up close and personal with it.
Big hugs, lady.
Wow. I sit here stunned. Don’t know if this would be something you would want, but I am here and available if you need an ear.