Thanks Andrew.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the molestation, shocker. I started writing responses to previous comments and I realized that I wanted to say the same thing more than once, so I’ll just make a new post.
I think a huge part of my damage/disassociation/anger/whatever springs from the fact that my mom and my sister didn’t protect me. My father was insane. I blame him squarely for being an evil person–he did the same thing to me that he had done to others before me. I knew from early early childhood, long before being molested, that my father believed that girls were worthless and that he didn’t really love me. So I think that I was somewhat blunted to the extent of damage that he could cause.
I am angry with my sister and my mother. I am angry that they didn’t protect me. They are the ones who could/should have stopped it and they didn’t. I think that I have needed to not talk about it or think about it at least in part because if I do I will lose what ground I have gained in learning to trust them after their many other fuck ups. How can I forgive them for this? My feelings towards my father won’t change in any way by thinking about or processing more about the molestation. I couldn’t hate him more than I do and I will never forgive him for any of what he did.
But if I think about what happened, it will give me one more thing that I have trouble forgiving my mother and sister for. I don’t want to feel any more anger towards them.
*gently*
but you have to think about it, dear.
until you really and truly own the whole terrain that is the inside of your head you are at the mercy of “emotional land mines” which explode for no apparent reason. If you don’t know why things explode, you can’t ever be secure inside your own skull and skin.
(of course this is my $.02, but I’m finding more and more people, like me with stuff to process, who agree with this analysis…)
Anger can be processed and can eventually go away, unless you deny that you are angry. Then your body holds the anger, and trust me, it fucks with your health *grim nod*. This, this I KNOW.
There is nothing wrong with feeling what you are feeling. You are allowed, entitled, in perfect right to feel whatever it is you do feel. Go ahead and let that feeling happen.
*hug*
You are brave. You are strong. You will survive this, and come out the other side cleaner and even stronger.
I don’t think you have to forgive people to stop being angry at them.
I understand this. I didn’t have it as rotten as you did but it was bad enough. My issues with my mother stem largely from her refusal to protect us and then her reluctance to own up to fucking up.
I understand.
And I also understand not thinking about it.
Remembering the details, living through it again… What the fuck for? It will always hurt, likely. There is no point reabusing myself.
Sure I hate him. In a dull way. Not worth my time thinking of it anymore. It’s over. My life is mine.
You aren’t in denial. You own up to your feelings. I don’t think digging at the wound is useful. Especially if you don’t.
You don’t HAVE to do anything.
You are amazing at healing yourself. You know best.
~SMOOOOSH~