I have been feeling extra bitchy and not-nice for the last two days or so. Lots of icki brushes with schtuff. But today I had a huge argument and we still like each other. Then I had lunch with a fun girl who is massively good for my ego.

I was also asked to potentially go perform and teach classes at Kink in the Caribbean in November. I’ll find out in June… EEEK! I’m nervous about that one.

I want to figure out how to be a kinder, gentler person. I don’t like being a bitch. 🙁

Uhm. I finally managed to get back on the wireless network at school. Yay. So now I have to finish my presentation that is due in 4 hours. 😀 While in the other class… muahahaha. I’m not a nice girl. I’m really not.

More negotiations last night, twas good stuff. This boy is really rocking my world. How come every time we have an issue it is resolved to a level that is rather satisfactory to me within about twenty minutes? He is so nice. Ok, I’m all schmoopy this morning. I did something crazy last night. Really crazy.

I gave notice. He asked me to move with him and I’m going to do it. I told him it is waiting another two months. I never thought anything could feel this good. I’m not willing to tell ya’ll just how crazy I am. I’m not willing to admit just how much we have talked about, just how far into the future we are planning… but… yeah. It’s good stuff. For the record: I’m not willing to rush into anything past the basic living together bit. Yeah. Everything else has uhm waiting periods. Ah shit. I thought living together had a waiting period too and I am totally skipping it.

*shake head* I’m crazy. But I’m really happy. Ok. Let’s hope we get through the next 11 days with no more bumps. Cause then I have to miss him for a while and that’s gonna suck.

Hey ya’ll…

I have a reason to want fresh porn for this coming weekend. Don’t ask. Really. Don’t. I am going to be really graphic and make some pretty out there requests. It is behind a cut so if you don’t want to know what I’m looking for, don’t look. 🙂 I would like…

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2004/08/index.html

An awesome girl posted a link to some tools that are useful in dealing with depression. I haven’t tried any of them (uhm, I read about them about five minutes ago) but they sound really interesting.

Here’s hoping for any help when things suck: http://www.noelfigart.com/depressiontools.html

Wow. Ok, so I was telling Noah that there just weren’t any problems with Puppy that I knew about. Well, now I’m starting to learn about some problems and the vast majority of them can be summed up as, “Wow is he young.” I really have no experience dealing with someone who is as young maturity-wise as Puppy is, I think that is making things harder.

What was last nights bump you ask? Well. It was related to my gun squick. Most people don’t know much about my gun squick, owing mostly to the fact that I am a semi-rabid libertarian and I am very firmly pro-gun rights. I believe that people have the right to bear arms. It is in the Constitution. End of story. Now, we get on to my personal feelings… guns freak me the fuck out and I hate hate hate hate hate them. I can handle brief theoretical conversations about them, but I can’t do graphic or in depth conversations about shooting. I just can’t handle it. I will freak out. My father held a gun to my head when I was a child and asked me if I really deserved to live. He was a psycho gun collector in general so I just don’t have positive associations with guns. I think I tolerate the fact that there are fourteen guns in this little apartment pretty well. I haven’t had a total panic attack–I just don’t think about it. la la la I don’t see anything.

So anyway, last night Ken was over (Puppy has this friend. I’m having problems with the guy because he is racist, homophobic, and sexist… not to mention that he rants fucking constantly about how all people who were born/raised/choose to live in California are stupid, rude, assholes who should all be shot to make the world a better place. Great guy, huh? I don’t know what Puppy sees in him.) and the first while was fine. They were watching the dvd of a tv show that I think is stupid “Sledge Hammer”–anyone heard of this piece of shit? I ignored the idiocy and tried to be vaguely social and polite, well at least until they switched to talking about the machine gun shoot that they are going to. There is some event in Nevada that they are going to attend where you get to shoot a bunch of really serious assault weapons and I don’t know what all psycho crap. Ok, those two sentences are about all that I want to know about this event. Guess how long they talked about it. Guess how long they both actively were trying to provide me with excruciating detail of what you can do to someone with most of these weapons. 🙁 At one poing I looked at Puppy and told him to stop the stream of horrible shit coming out of his mouth and he didn’t understand. I told him that no really, I’m done just stop. I called him by his name and asked him to stop. One of our agreements is that I won’t use his name in front of people–he didn’t catch on though. I got up and went in his bedroom and shut the door. I picked up a cd so that I could play it in my computer so that I wouldn’t hear their conversation. I should have just walked out of the apartment and gone home.

After Ken left Puppy and I had a long serious talk. He had not understood what I meant when I previously said that I have gun squicks. He apologized over and over again. He asked me to commit to taking him aside in the future when he is doing such complete asshole things and let him know that he is doing them. He doesn’t seem to want to be an asshole, it just kind of happens sometimes because he is an oblivious boy. I don’t know that I can commit to telling him to stop when he is being a dick. My response is entirely to walk away and take responsibility for my feelings that way. I don’t want to tell him how to behave. But it seems like it is more fair for me to talk to him when I am upset about stuff–that is just so freakin hard for me. 🙁

He won’t let me stew when I am upset. He asks me questions until I talk to him. I have managed to train him basically entirely out of “you” statements–which I consider really amazing. He talks about his feelings and why he is behaving the way he is without blaming me for anything. If he fucks up in any way he is very ok with accepting responsibility for that and he tries to rectify the situation. I’m really impressed by that.

He is still young, and he fucks up quite a bit… but I don’t think he will do the same thing twice. That counts for a lot, right?

As I ponder all alone
Sitting here in my home
What this morning should I eat?
Cereal? Or should I have meat?
I ponder all the options I can
Until I think of green eggs and ham.

(I made this up as I did dishes)

Sometimes I just like my breakfast to be… more colorful than usual…

Puppy is leaving for 10 days in Nepal in 12 days. In those days I have:
2 dinner dates planned
2 actual dates planned with the two women who still have all the priveleges they want to have (some people apparently are going to be grandfathered in)
A party that is going to kill most of a weekend.
A visit to see my mother.
A groino appt to redo my pap (the lab lost it somehow?)
A presentation on this huge Victorian poetry collection thing.
A unit plan to polish up (I am basically turning in the same one I have turned in twice this semester. No one in the ed department cares.)
An interview and write up to do.
A 12-15 page paper to write.
And I need to decide if I am going down to another party in SC.

Dude. I haven’t been busy in a while. This all exploded right now.

Ahhhh I love pressure. I perform better.

It’s been an eventful 24 hours. I have driven to Davis and returned to Oakland. From Oakland I drove to Campbell at around midnight. I went from Campbell to Mountain View and then on to South San Jose this morning. I have been back in Oakland for less than an hour. I really needed to shower and brush my teeth.

I went to a BM camp meeting and that was good stuff. I had a conversation that had been scaring the crap out of me and it was received very positively showing me once again that I have picked some stellar people to know. I came back to Puppy’s after the meeting and he and I talked again. We processed a bunch of stuff about how we were each not being good about staying in the realm of “my shit” and that lead to neither of us getting what we needed. We reached a compromise that I am happy with and then we did some really really really hot play. This isn’t the dirty filter so that’s all I will say about that. After that I did homework while he made me dinner and ice cream with home made caramal. Have I mentioned that he likes to spoil me? When I finished my homework I set off for San Jose.

To back track slightly, early yesterday afternoon I got a call out of the blue from my friend Marcus. We did theatre together at West Valley for years and I am extremely fond of him. He said that it was his birthday and he had decided at the last minute to have a party–would I be able to come? I knew I would be showing up late, but I wanted to go. I haven’t seen him in over a year and wow is his hair long now. He seems to be doing pretty well and he is very happy. Most of the party was trying to talk me or him into the idea that we should sleep together. I told a few of the well meaning friends (his, I didn’t know anyone) that he had had a window of opportunity about 6 years ago and he wasn’t interested. The window is now closed. 🙂 But we actually ended up cuddling in his bed last night–fully dressed of course. It was cool. I have missed him a lot. I woke him up way early with me and we had a really awesome conversation. I remember why I always liked him so much and why I maintain contact with old friends. I am truly blessed in my friendships.

Then this morning I headed up to Tom’s house to pick up my cat. Tom was wearing a t-shirt of mine. oops. I guess it somehow got mixed in with his stuff when I left. He took the shirt off and handed it to me and the cat stuff was loaded up and off I drove. I was there for about 3 minutes. It didn’t hurt as much as it did the last time I was there. Poor Puff cried loudly the entire way to my mom’s.

And then I got to my mom’s and unloaded Puff and her stuff and mom and I sat down to talk. Uhm. I had a really difficult conversation with her. I told her about the stories I have written. I told her that my sister had asked to see stuff and that my sister had told me not to tell her (mom). I said that until Sissy said that I probably wouldn’t have shown mom but being told that I shouldn’t because she would feel too guilty just made me crazy.

I told my mom everything. I sat there and I told her about all of the rapes. She knows pretty much everything about all the molestations apparently because of when I prosecuted. We talked about the things that were going on around all of these events. My mother apologized to me and broke down crying telling me that she knows that she failed to protect me and she feels really bad about it. My mother explained how and why she behaved the way she did. She said that my sister knew I was molested the first time I remember it happening–she could tell by my father’s behavior. My sister didn’t say anything to me at all or to my mom for years. My mom told me how much she has missed me in the past few years and how she has wanted so much to close the gap between us but she hasn’t known how. She doesn’t know how to talk to me without me flying off the handle. Which is something that will probably be on my mind and the subject of many posts to come. I have an unreasonable temper and I need to start controlling it better.

I am absolutely exhausted. I have gotten just over 8 hours of sleep in the past two nights. Puppy and I had a major up and down. Talking to my mom was sooooo hard. Puppy just walked in. I need snuggles.

tenacious_snail–I’m sorry I missed hiking. Today just kind of went in a direction I didn’t expect.