“Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me. It can only be one word. No more. Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.”

If, as you live your life, you find yourself mentally composing LJ entries about it, post this exact same sentence in your Live Journal.

(I am mostly caught up on lj for the last week or so, but I didn’t comment that much. Keeping up is still hard. My brain is beyond fried right now. Apparently being social last night was too much for me. 🙁 My head hurts.)

He decided that for the good of everyone who has to deal with me, he needed to take one for the team and put out last night. My bitchiness was growing exponentially by the day.

It’s pretty funny.

(I still feel really awful though.)

Wow are a lot of people going to think that I am talking about them in particular as I write this one. HA!

(Let me say first I am in a shit-tastic mood. I had a less than ideal day with a moron teacher who treated the room as if they were in the third grade and my head hurts so bad I would be much happier if it was cut off. So I’m going to rant and rave now.)

I got into an argument/discussion about this not too long ago with Noire and we decided that we have very different opinions on the topic. Or rather I decided that and just dropped it because I was tired of arguing. I don’t remember which. But it has come up a fucking lot lately so I’m going to get pissy. One of the main problems I have always had with the fact that I have friends who are much older than me is that they feel they have the right to lecture me. I am told, “I would have been happier if I had learned this at your age” or blah blah blah equivalent. It is rare that someone who is close to me in age seriously lectures me without provacation.

What Noire and I argued about was that I think that if I think someone is fucking up I generally keep my mouth shut about it unless a) they ask my opinion or b) they are a very very very close friend. Anna and Alex. I think those two are the only ones who get my absolute unfettered opinion. Now everyone should pity them. They are the only two people I can think of that I will not hold back on telling them that they are a mother fucking moron if they do ‘x’ and frankly, even they tell me sometimes to shut up. Those are the two people who have been family to me for the longest and they are the people I feel closest to in the world. That gives them priveleges and deficits in dealing with me. Neither of them can fuck up bad enough to get rid of me shy of pointing a gun at me. With everyone else I censor myself. Really. I do. You all have no idea how much judgmental shit comes through my head. Every so often I will slip up and start lecturing someone when I believe it isn’t appropriate. If I realize I am doing it I generally apologize rather profusely because it just isn’t my damn call. Noire believes is that if she feels she can give a person advice/etc that will better their life it is her duty to impart it whether they have asked for it or want it or not. (Did I phrase this properly Noire? This was my understanding.) Wow could I not agree less.

So then we come to the issue of people offering advice and lecturing me. Yeah, I don’t usually ask for it. I’m pretty specific when I want advice and I steel myself to hear things that I won’t like because that is just part of the deal and I know it. It is probably why I don’t ask for advice all that often. Cause I don’t want to fucking hear it. I have been wondering about when it is ok to lecture me (as people have lectured me multiple times lately and I then became flamingly angry) and the answer is: when I ask you for your opinion. Until then? Do not tell me what I should say or how I should say it. Do not tell me what I should do or what I should not do. Last I checked…. yeah. Still an adult.

See, the thing about lecturing me is that I will tolerate it with ill grace from a small selection of people that I love a lot and I have come to expect that kind of behavior from. I still don’t appreciate it. I don’t think it is appropriate. From everyone who is not part of that very small select group? Go fuck yourself. I’m serious. Masturbation is fun and it will distract you from lecturing me and then you will be happy because you are masturbating and I will be far happier because I will not have gotten a lecture I didn’t want to hear.

/rant

It is 7:30 in the morning. I am up, dressed, and ready to go to a class I am dreading in a big way. I feel like shit. My fever is up and down even with Tylenol and Motrin in me. My whole fucking body hurts, I have a seriously enlarged spleen (it’s hard to miss that puppy fucking a), annnnnnnd I started my fucking period so I have cramps from hell on top of the headache, nechache, chest ache, pain in my legs… etc.

And Puppy won’t shoot me. I think he is just being cruel. I really want out of my body and I don’t give a shit how I do it. 🙁

I think I am going to cry.

P.S. Noah: thanks for the fan. I have really appreciated it and used it.

I haven’t heard gunshots in the middle of the night in a long time. There were probably eight shots shot in two shot bursts. There was yelling, I heard: “You fucking bitch” and Puppy heard: “Come on bitch” I suppose the difference reflects part of we ourselves want to hear. There was a woman screaming.

Maybe I should have talked to the police about moving to this neighborhood before I did. The shots were directly in front of our house, but we couldn’t see anything because of the tree.

Ok. I’m awake now.

It turns out my sister was wrong. She had misunderstood my aunt and told me the wrong thing. My aunt was home and I stayed with her on Thursday night. All that panic because my sister got some dates wrong.

I think I’m so over sensitive because my mother would actually do it, and has done about the same thing many times before. I also panicked because I couldn’t get a hold of my aunt. She called me as I was driving south. I should have had more faith in her–she is the only person in my bio family who has never broken a promise to me.

I have to do a five minute presentation tomorrow (Dear God please let me be coherent) and I plan to do one minute of introduction and then have them prewrite for two minutes and then we will discuss the results as a group. This is the overall lesson plan that I will be turning in. It will be one of the last lessons as we cover Hamlet which will be the last play in a larger unit focusing on tragedy. The point of this lesson plan is how do we integrate health topics into general subject matter teaching. My topic is suicide. (That’s obvious awfully fast.)

Do you want to see this?

I was supposed to stay at my Aunt and Uncle’s house tonight so that I don’t have to drive all the way to Santa Cruz in the morning for class. Apparently they aren’t going to be there and they didn’t tell me.

I am really not going to handle sitting in the car for 4 1/2 hours tomorrow in addition to being in class for 8 hours. I am really upset. I hate my family so much. Why do they have to do this to me? I asked them if I could sleep on the fucking couch. It isn’t as if I asked them for something significant. And so they decide that after saying yes that they will take off and go camping instead. Without even telling me.

When I was young my mom read a book about sun signs and it said that Virgoes are usually more susceptible to complaints/illnesses/etc of the stomach. This is interesting to me right now because one of the main ways I am manifesting the mono is all over body soreness and my stomach is hurting really bad. The pain is bad enough to make me feel like I should throw up even though I don’t have any other sensation of nauseau.

How do other Virgoes manifest stuff? Does your stomach get most of your ickiness?

So uhm… Puppy’s illness….

Mono. And I’m pretty sick already.

Shit.

Cause I do that. Puppy and I are flying out of Oakland on July 13th at 10:45pm.
We are arriving at SFO on July 22nd at 11:00pm.

I would appreciate anyone who would be willing to give rides. We could take BART to Oakland, but even getting to BART would be a hassle.

Pooooooor Puppy.

He’s sick. And really dragging.

And I am dancing around the kitchen shaking my ass and singing “carbohydrates” while dancing approximately the salsa.

He kind of looked at me and blinked.

I think that I deserve a little oddness. It has been multiple days since I have had sex.

I have more friends on various anti-depressents/anti-anxiety/etc drugs than I can possibly name. But I wouldn’t call any of them crazy. I have been diagnosed as bipolar (which I would actually like to talk to someone about cause I’m not 100% sure it is an accurate diagnosis) but I don’t really think I am crazy.

So I really don’t think that all people who take such meds are nuts. But there are people who take those meds who are insane.

Where is the line? How totally inappropriate does someone’s behavior have to be before you will consider them unsafe and insane?

Edit:
I am not looking for comments about me. 🙂 I’m pretty comfortable with me right now. I have recently had reason to wonder about a woman who is going to be impacting my life and I am NOT happy about it.

This weekend did not go how I had planned. But such is life. I didn’t make it to the wedding ceremony I meant to go to. I didn’t go to the SF FFF. But my apartment is now suitable for company… well… as long as we close the door to Puppy’s crap in the back room cause he hasn’t unpacked much at all. I swear that he is one of the slowest moving creatures ever born. It took him about three hours to hang pictures on the walls. I didn’t feel the need to tell him that it would have taken me about fifteen minutes. I have no idea why things take him so long. I really just don’t get it.

I am sooooo excited that my apartment is almost clean. Living in a mess makes me crazy. oooh! We also went and got my motorcycle! And it turns out that one of our neighbors is huge into motorcycles and fixing them up and racing and such. He volunteered to help me clean it up and fix all the stuff that needs fixing. YAY!!!!!!! {Side note of snarkiness: Yeah Ken, all Californians are self-absorbed rude twats. Uh huh.) So I have a lovely summer of motorcycle work ahead of me. I am thrilled.

Puppy is Mr. Cranky Pants. He is sick and stressed out by many things right now. I am managing to make him grin every so often and that is good. It’s interesting to adjusting to things between us. In some ways this relationship feels so very comfortable and right and I’m really happy with him. Then we run into a wall of “Oh… actually we haven’t known one another that long…” I found out something about his history on Saturday night that freaked me out. In a big way. He touched on one of my very biggest hot buttons. It resulted in me not really sleeping and being upset. I called Japlady in the morning for a sanity check and she helped me sort out my thoughts a lot. Thank you honey. This lead to a long, productive conversation with Puppy in which we cleared up several issues that have been building. I set up very clear boundaries for myself in regards to someone in his life and clarified the boundaries I have with his other friends. It was necessary.

I hope today isn’t as cranky as yesterday. I’m getting sick too. This does not bode well.

Got crappy news last night. Spent night fussing and not sleeping. Today Puppy and I are both fussy and at odds and ends and we can’t seem to find even keel.

I don’t think they have days like this in Australia. I’m going to go there.

You wake up and you just know that you are a punk princess.

So you get dressed.

In a black and white checkered body stocking. And a blue hand knitted mini-skirt with a nifty zig-zag hem and the skirt is held on entirely by safety pins. And a black t-shirt with a monkey and pink writing that says “I know you are but what am I?” And pink socks that say “Boys Stink” and tri-tone pink sneakers.

Oh. And my hair is extra fluffy and fun and I have lots of glitter on and eyeliner and silver eye shadow.

It is a good day to be a punk princess.

who is currently freaking out because I can’t find a memory box. The one that contains every birthday card I got before I was 19. The one that has invitations to weddings and my grandfather’s funeral and every letter from Brittney and Michael and…

I will be horribly upset if it is gone. I have no idea where it could be. I’m starting to verge on frantic.

I have the box that is stuff from the last 4 years. So I still have the contract that Tom signed and post cards and letters and stuff from Julia…

I hate being so attached to things.

I am a lazy git. It is getting very sad. If I manage to really move, I can probably finish pretty much everything today. If I manage to move. *sigh*

One of my parties on Saturday cancelled. Another one changed what time it starts. I am starting to feel more lazy about the round of party hopping that I had planned. *sigh* I really suck.

I will make Caylin’s birthday party though. NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

*smooches for the girly*

So we are going back east to see Puppy’s family. I’m terrified. My background of crappiness with Tom’s family and Stephen’s family mean that I am petrified of meeting yet more people who hate me and will make my life a living hell.

Yeah, and there is constantly a problem with Puppy having to balance his time between his parents. I’m nervous about dealing with the balancing act between them. I’ve never been great about divided loyalty crap, when people tell me to choose I choose neither. But there is already some friction between his parents about who we are spending which day with and I feel somewhat bewildered by the hostility. We are going to spend a freakin week camping with his father and his dad is being snippy because we are coming in a day early so we can spend two days with Puppy’s mom?! I don’t get it. Puppy spent most of his time growing up with his mom and yet basically all of his stories are about his father’s family. I asked him about that–he said that his father’s family is the one that traumatized him and what can you really say about happy day to day life? He was trying to be funny…. but there is an undercurrent there that worries me.

He told me that there is a 90% likelihood that his aunt or his grandfather will make a nasty crack about my weight. Since forewarned is forearmed I am already thinking about exactly what kind of response I want to give. I told him that I will not be nice and he said that is fine. It makes me really nervous to know it is coming though. *sigh*

Speaking of families… my mom has sworn up and down that next week she will be giving me back the money she owes me (her inheritence check should be arriving). I’m not sure how much I believe her, but we’ll see… It would be nice. I would be able to pay the deposit for the kitty and pay for the plane ticket for the trip east. Yay. I am not quite as nervous about money as I once was. It’s a good feeling.