I have some people that I am grateful to.
Flint, Kevin, Marcie, Donna. I’m sort of grateful to that twat Mark (Puppy’s idiotic, incompetent friend).

Those people came through in the most amazing ways possible. I am so grateful for my friends.

I hurt. My foot hurts, I don’t know why. My back hurts. I’m not sleeping enough.

I seem to have lost the power adaptor for my router (I am such a moron) so internet is not up at my house yet. Puppy is going to try and set it up tonight. For now, more gratefulness to princeofwands. I {heart} him. See, I needed to stay near him. Cause it makes my life better. 🙂 I am going to finish unpacking today and tomorrow is officially my Slack Day. I intend to sit on my ass and watch movies and maybe read and eat something very tasty and high in fat to replace all the not-eating I’ve been doing as I obsess myself into unpacking and not eating.

Oh, quotable from Puppy? “Having an obsessive compulsive service submissive really pays off.” He’s a shit. And lazy. And I’m about to go crazy cause he isn’t doing stuff at the rate I would like. But that is something we will have to adjust to.

Overall, he is making me really happy. If I ask him to move stuff for me he does (cause my back is hating me–oh, is tingling around my shoulder blades bad?) and he is letting me be a psycho bitch as I obsess over getting stuff done. He is also calling me mid day and telling me to eat. And he snuggles me at night and tells me I have to go to sleep and he strokes my hair and tells me how much he appreciates all the work I have done and he is very proud of me. I really like this boy.

U-haul has made my life suck today.

There is no truck available for tomorrow. The local office called us to tell us. They told us we have to call the regional office and see if any office anywhere can let us have a truck. We have been calling and calling and calling regional for oh… 3 hours. I was on hold for 45 minutes. Puppy was on hold for 45 minutes. I have two pretty hostile complaints in with their customer service department (which can’t do a fucking thing) and when Puppy finally did get a person his cell phone dropped.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I want to shoot someone. And that isn’t like me. So uhm, I am asking a friend if he is willing to come by and take a load south tonight, I’m probably going to do two more trips tonight in my car. We might only need one car load and one pickup load from Oakland tomorrow. And at my house the only thing I really need a truck for is my mattress and boxsprings.

I want to kill. I’ll see who I can call up to try and move stuff tonight. *sigh*

Edit: Uhaul was reached. Reservation is cancelled. Fuckers. Please people, if you love me: never call these bastards again.

I hate eating crow. Really. I do. It doesn’t taste good–it’s tough and stringy and I’m usually pretty hostile about it. So now… yeah. I get to face eating some crow and I’m not happy about it.

What in the hell am I babbling about? Well… Puppy wants to go to Folsom Fringe. He went last year and thought it was just awesome. Of course he wants me to go with him. The event is sponsered by http://www.smodyssey.com and I have not only avoided their events for years I have been pretty loud and vocal about avoiding their events and swearing up and down that I will never support Odyssey. *sigh* Some day I will learn to not use the word “never.” So uhm, now I feel like I am crawling back to Odyssey with my tail between my legs. I fully expect many people to give me shit for being there. I have been too much of a bitch for too many years for my presense to be overlooked. Although I could cop out and state that my reason for avoiding Odyssey is gone (which is largely true–Morgan isn’t involved anymore) and lots of people would understand boycotting that bitch. (She actually did extremely unpleasant things to me personally several times. It is a personal conflict not just disliking her in general.) Yeah. But this is going to be difficult.

But the funny thing is: I am actually looking forward to the conference. I only went to Thunder last year and I am not going to be at any other con’s this year and I am really missing the people I see at the big events. I actually did start making friends in the circuit of people who do the con’s and they are awesome people that I am unlikely to really see anywhere else given their geographic distribution. For at least a few more years I am unlikely to be able to afford many con’s so I guess that means sucking it up and doing the one that exists right in my area. *breathe*

In anticipation of this con I contacted one of the women I had a really nice interaction with at Thunder last year and asked if she would be coming with her Owner to Folsom (he’s presenting) and she is! Yay! She is very cool and we have now exchanged several emails and I am looking forward to the conference even more. Granted I am a wee bit nervous because I was silly enough to mention one of my big fears in an email (there was a reason to bring it up) and she said that she would really like to share that information with her Master. I about choked. He’s a very scary man. He is one of the few people that I would look around the scene and say, “He scares me,” while also knowing that I would love to play with him. Most of the people who scare me do so because they are unstable and I wouldn’t play with them. This man is completely in control and just that mean and that’s kinda hot. (He’s also really nice and very grounded. I don’t want to paint any sort of negative picture of him.)

So yeah. I’m looking forward to it and dreading it. Such is life I suppose. I get to see all sorts of cool people though!

Oh. Yeah. Something I forgot to mention. Part of why this is on my mind is the discussion group I went to. Puppy knows some of the people who were in attendance and when I told them that I am dating Phil they said, “Of Phil and Charis?” ouch. I’ve never before had a partner identified as part of a unit with someone else. That was kind of hard to swallow but I stayed nice about it. It is interesting how some people become known as part of a unit and some people are known as individuals. Tom and I were together for four years and I don’t think people really thought of us as a unit. We were both very firmly individuals who were known for ourselves. Puppy is pretty quiet and doesn’t seem to strike people as strongly. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. Yeah. I’m feeling kind of intimidated about meeting her though. I’m trying to figure out why. They only dated for like three months, it wasn’t that serious of a relationship and he is the one who ended it. But I am petrified. I really do like to make things difficult for myself. She should be back in the country soon. oy.

The class I liked with the teacher who loved me: A
The class I hated with the teacher who hated me: B (He gave me a B for a 93%. I think his scale is fucked up but whatever.)
The grad class that I did a pretty bad job in because I just had trouble being engaged: B+

Overall total grad school GPA so far: 3.454

One credential class left to take and I’m taking it with my favorite teacher.
Student teaching. (I don’t even think I get a grade I think this is pass/fail.)
Three masters classes.
Two sections of working on my thesis.

Think I’ll be able to bring it up to a 3.5 if I actually buckle down and do more work next year? (Yeah–most of my grad career has been very lackadaisical [I am so proud that I got the spelling of that right on the first try!] and I’ve been scattered and unfocused for the last two semesters.)

Certainly not as good as I could do, but really I don’t think I should be ashamed of my performance to date. Although let me tell you, my inner perfectionist sees a 3.4 as being almost as bad as a 2.0. It’s pretty sick.

I’ve never gotten tagged for a meme before! It’s kind of sick… but I feel special. {insert hearts here} Thank you malixe.

Eight songs I like. I can do that. I’m sure I will get mocked for it though because I have some really freakin odd taste in music. Oh… for the record the meme is: “List eight of your favorite songs and then ‘tag’ a similar number of people to do the same. Note that it does not have to be your eight *top* favorite songs, because I know some people who would give themselves a nervous breakdown trying to narrow it down to only eight. And I could be one of them…so just eight of your favorites.”

“American Pie” by Don McLean. I really like this song. I stole an album that had this song on it from Stephen during our relationship and I wouldn’t let him have it back when I moved out. (Hey–he got other things.) Yeah, this was picked first because Puppy and I have been trying to get the lyrics right in our head for a few days. Getting all those freakin verses in the right order is a bitch. (Have I mentioned that I am really happy that he will sing along when I start singing at night in bed? Dude. He rocks my world.)

“We All Sleep Alone” by Cher. I like this song. Given my absolute terror of sleeping alone it is actually fairly comforting for me. The first few nights I slept alone after moving out (it felt more scary sleeping alone in the new apartment than it had in Tom’s house) I would put this cd into my player and tell the player to play it like five times in a row. Then I could fall asleep. I like both the original version and the more modern version.

“Holes in the floor of heaven” by Steve Wariner. This song came out right around when my brother died. I have never bought the album because I know that when I am depressed I would put this song on and not leave my room for days. I have pulled off the road when I am driving when this song comes on because I cry so hard that I can’t see anymore. I think this song will always remind me of my brother and despite the fact that it is a beautiful, moving song I just can’t hear it much.

“Happy Girl” by Martina McBride. I really love this song. It is cute and bouncy and fun and I always feel cheered up. 🙂
“Oh watch me go / I’m a happy girl / Everybody knows / That the sweetest thing you’ll ever see / In the whole wide world / Is a happy girl”

“Tomorrow” by Avril Lavigne. I went through my obsessive Avril phase when things with Tom were kind of rocky, but not anywhere near the end. I remember that right after a driving trip with Max and Deborah we were back at our house… I don’t remember what was going on exactly. But I was in our bedroom folding laundry and Tom came in and promised something about the next day and this song came on. And I started singing along quietly with tears running down my face but I never looked up. Tom didn’t notice. He made his promise about the next day and left the room. Yeah, it didn’t happen. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget that moment. I really love the song. It is about more than just Tom though, it reminds me of my mother.

“Even Hampsters Fall in Love” by Hampton and the Hampsters. I fucking love the song and this list is too depressing, so here it is.

“Affirmation” by Savage Garden. I love it. “Trust is more important than monogamy” and “I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem” how could anyone not love this song? Seriously.

“Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts. Yeah. I bought this album (I hardly ever buy cd’s) right as I started dating Puppy so it was living in my car on repeat during the first few weeks we were dating. This song was on when I stopped the car and we sat there singing along for another minute or so. He informed me that it was our song. 🙂 *sniffle*

Jesus Christ it is hard to stop there!!! 🙂 Songs good. Should I tag or just say “Do it if you want to.” Naw. I liked being tagged.

boxofchaos, boymeat, brehen, ditenebre, japlady, polly_perverse, porgypie, tigman

If you please… 🙂 (Obviously none of you have to, but I am interested in what you would put down.)

Some people know about this, some people don’t. If you don’t… yeah… ignore it.

I don’t like screened responses. So in response to an asshole slamming someone that I care about I wrote:
“”In tainted inkwells” is that how you now think of your partner? Is she a tainted inkwell? Or is she a person who has had something bad happen to her because life is just like that.

It is HPV not fucking HIV. Japlady’s statistics are correct. If you are going to be so incensed over this infection then you should be mad at most of the fucking world. How do you know that you weren’t the vector of infection? You very well could be and YOU WILL NEVER KNOW because the medical community considers HPV such a non-threat that there is no test in men.

Go ahead and be angry–but if you are going to slam insults give a bit more details. Like the fact that I sincerely doubt he said “I was once exposed” seeing as I have been on the receiving end of his disclosure. Apparently there was not clear communication going on but don’t act like he is a fucking monster. How many people has he passed this infection on to? Oh how about women who WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT ANYWAY. Statistically speaking, those of us who fuck multiple people are going to have it. Period. There is no avoiding it. There is also lots of treatment and in about a year it won’t matter to the rest of her life that she has it.

What lifetime of inconvenience, annoyance, and pain? Disclosure is the only annoyance. I get the same number of check ups I would anyway. There were six months of serious suck as I dealt with it, but that is the risk that is taken in having multiple partners in a lifetime. It is not lifelong pain.

I am not saying it doesn’t suck. It does. I’m very sorry she has it and that it is a malignant strain. But quite frankly, that is how the cookie crumbles. I got it from a long-term monogamous partner who lied to me. Does that make me a bad person? Or a “tainted inkwell” or does it make me a person who had something bad happen to me.

Get off your high horse.”

7 Deadly Sins Protected

SAVE THE DATE

July 30th. There is nothing on that date. It is MINE!!!!! (insert maniacal laughter here)

Uhm. Housewarming notice. Yeah. 🙂

details to come…

(I like how the icon picture is from my last housewarming. heh)

“Just because a woman comes easily does not mean she does not deserve just as much time and effort as a woman who doesn’t orgasm easily.” –
Rebecca.

Sometimes this woman is so right it hurts. Please people. Pay attention to this one!

I realize that asking if anyone wants to come is necessarily only aimed at the people on my friends list who are under 35. Yes, I know that some of you feel discriminated against. You have already whined at me about it.

Moving along.

Anyone wanna come?

So, I have had conversations with two people in the last two days so I’m not the only one.

Have other people been thinking about family since Memorial Day?

*humming American Pie*

Well, I’m not sure what is going to happen this summer anymore. I’ve had so many plans come and go. I’m not going to Burning Man and I’m pretty happy about that decision. The trip back to DC to see Puppy’s family is bouncing around and I hate that. It looks like me stopping off for a week with Julia isn’t going to happen and I am very sad about that. Getting to see her last month was a brief taunt to remind me of how very much I miss her and love her. I’m still not sure exactly when we are going or when we are coming back. Oy.

I’m thinking a lot about family. Puppy and I were talking about family and I said that my family consists of the people I will call when I want to cut. The people that if I was truly in need I would suck it up and ask them for help. There is a very small group of people that I would allow to help me–I simply have too much pride to allow someone casual in like that. The people who are invited to my house for Christmas. The people who can call me at any time of night or day and I will do whatever needs to be done to help them. It is this complicated mess of interwoven willingness to allow support that makes family. I would help my blood relatives if they needed something–but I will not allow them to help me. I wouldn’t even dream of letting them know that I need help, let alone allow them to supply it. It is amazing that they aren’t really my family in the sense that I mean when I talk about family. Puppy would call his blood relatives and has very few truly close friends. It baffles me.

In the past few days it has come up with in conversation with multiple people that they are all astounded by just how many people I know. Yes, most of them are acquaintances–but I know things about the people I know. I store up details in my head about them. Even when they have not crossed the line into the murky waters of friendship, I still care about them. I think the thing that worked best for me about poly was the greater recognition of my love for the people in my life. I don’t know if the love I feel for my friends is any different than the love most people feel, but I know that I have been much more devoted and fierce in my love and connection to my friends than anyone I have ever been involved with. (For shorthand: the people I have been “involved” with are Stephen, Tom, and somehow Noah–they are the ones who have had the most long-term impact on me.) When I saw Julia I was absolutely floored by the depth that my feelings for her still have. And though I was very happy that we got to play and share that connection, it didn’t need to go all the way to sex.

It seems that once I let someone in to that depth that I don’t get over them. It is both a blessing and a curse. I am more hesitant than some to apply the word “family” to people who are close to me. Because I really and truly am saying that I am choosing them for life. If Tom called me and needed pretty much anything from me, I would do it. He is family–even though our relationship has changed so much. I treasure my family. In the past year I have made some connections that are very intense and amazing. I am so grateful for the love I have been gifted with. I think… maybe my family is growing.

Herpes Epidemic Rise
“Oral herpes, an infection caused by the herpes simplex virus, is estimated to be present in 50 to 80 percent of the American adult population. 20 percent, over 50 million people, are infected with genital herpes, also caused by the herpes simplex virus, and the majority of these cases may be unaware they even have it. Studies show that more than 500,000 Americans are diagnosed with genital herpes each year, and the largest increase is occurring in young teens.

There is no cure for herpes to date. Efforts to develop a herpes vaccine by biotechnology companies are ongoing. Until an effective herpes vaccine or cure for HSV infection is found, the prevailing approach to treatment continues to be suppressive antiviral therapy. ” — http://herpes.com/

Have you asked your doctor for a herpes test lately? You should. Just so that you know what you are dealing with. No one is a bad person for having it, stuff happens. Once upon a time a really wonderful woman told me that she had herpes and I reacted very negatively. I pretty much shunned further sexual contact with her because I was ignorant and judgmental and really I was just a bitch. I should not have been. It was totally inappropriate. I would like to believe I have grown up a bit in the last few years. HSV in either form is not the end of the world. It isn’t fun, but it can be handled. I really wish that everyone would get tested so that there would be less stigma attached to it because the statistics indicate that more people have it than are aware of it. If you know that you have it, find out as much about it as you can (www.cdc.gov is only marginally helpful on this one.) There is actually a pretty good paper that is linked to from: http://sanfrancisco.tribe.net/thread/9f4c52a8-d6a8-4a14-9e26-4a9964117426?tribeid=3acd1a3d-6988-4bbb-aefa-c6d8ab098454&r=10535 and I recommend reading it. I liked the paper.

You aren’t dirty or bad if you get it. You are just a person. It’s just a virus. It is no reflection on who you are as a person.

Play safe.

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

I’m moving on the 11th, this coming Saturday. We are getting a uhaul truck and loading it at Puppy’s place in Oakland and then going to my place in Castro Valley and then unloading in Hayward.

Anyone want to/willing to help? Ping me for addresses and such. 🙂 We will be getting started early in the day (I call on Friday to find out when I can pick up the truck) and I don’t think it will take long. I’m willing to bet that with a few dedicated people we will have the whole process done in four or five hours. 🙂

Puppy just left to go shooting with Ken and two friends from work. Having all of them in this house was… yeah. Overwhelming. *shiver* Ok, I need to stop doing chain maille and go find something really feminine to do for a little while…

I like that I can get even the most reticent of students to participate in class and feel good about having done so.

I like that people know within just a few minutes that my praise is never hollow flattery–I mean exactly what I say and say what I mean. If I tell you that something is good, it is.

I like that when I bake people exclaim constantly over how good it is… whatever it happens to be.

I like that I have managed to maintain friendships with people who are far away, who have moved, who have had every reason to stop talking to me–but I won’t let them leave my life. Because people matter.

I like that I pick up on dance stuff rather quickly. I like that I can follow. I like that I can lead. (Ok, so I’m not that great at leading yet–give me time!)

I like that I can read quickly and remember almost everything.

I like that I no longer allow my family to abuse me. It was difficult to stand up to them, but I feel like I have saved me.

I like that I can talk about having been assaulted. It has been an incredibly scary thing but talking about it has not only helped me heal, but my openness has helped quite a few other people feel like they can tell me their story and that helps them heal.

I like that I can faciliate people having cathartic experiences through bdsm. I feel that it is a different skill set than just beating the hell out of someone and I am specifically good at helping people work through difficult emotions.

I like that people trust me with their secrets. I feel like I am trustworthy.

I am proud of myself for prosecuting my father despite all the difficulty it caused and the fact that it lead to both his death and my brothers. Neither death was my fault, but all those events were related. I am still glad I did it. I needed to.

I like that someone can tell me that when they look at me they see a scared little girl and I am not insulted. Because I know that little girl. She is my friend. She is not as scared as she used to be and she is becoming more friendly all the time. I am glad that I am not ashamed of her.

Liking me can’t be just about my looks.

=======================

Now, you. Yes… you. The one reading this. What do you like about you? You know that this got you thinking, so share.

It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. My favoritest Xtyn came with me and pursuaded me that a grandma bathing suit was not a good selection. (You think I’m kidding, don’t you. No really, that is what I will buy if left to myself.) I have a very cute two piece. The bottom has fairly decent coverage of my ass and cuts in a not disgusting way on my belly. The top says, “Hello–these are my breasts.” And it is long enough to cover enough flesh that I don’t feel horrible in it. Well, I felt a whole lot better in it when I was in the dressing room and showing it just to Xtyn.

I came home and Puppy asked to see it. I made him beg a little, just cause that’s fun. When I put it on he said it was cute and he was appreciative of the breasts. I told him it was funny because as I was trying on suits Xtyn asked me what part of me does he like, so we can go for emphasizing what part of me he likes the best. He likes my breasts (mostly that they are now large) and… I can’t really speak to anything else about my body that he likes. He thinks I have a pretty face. Isn’t “You have such a pretty face” kind of the death knoll for someone being attracted to a fat girl? We are pretty up front about the fact that I am heavier than he is particularly into, but he is really into me as a person so it doesn’t seem to count for that much. This lead to a conversation in which he said, “Well, you have nice calves… and your shoulders are nice…” and he kind of stammered looking for something else to say. I covered his mouth and told him that he wasn’t making me feel any better. I went and put on a baggy shirt and somewhat baggy pants and proceeded to feel like shit. He tried to tell me that he loves me and he thinks I am beautiful, but yeah. Whatever.

I miss feeling sexy. I miss feeling like my body is something that someone is really into. I miss having people tell me how much they love my legs, or that they think the swell of my belly is sexy and very womanly. I feel fat again in a way I haven’t in a long time. I came home from the store hungry and because I feel fat and unattractive and so very undesireable, I haven’t eaten. I wonder if I will eat today.

It is funny that I am reading a book on the self-esteem of girls and how our society should work towards helping them to value themselves. What a timely read. How can I help increase the likelihood that anyone else will feel good about themself when I feel about as awful as I can possible feel?

I have to go shopping for a *cringe* bathing suit. I currently technically own two, but they are both two sizes too big and that is… problematic.

I am NOT looking forward to this. Puppy wants me to go to some pool party that his group lead is throwing and it kind of necessitates a bathing suit. I haven’t gone in any sort of water where I needed a suit in a while… heh.

Is anyone interested/willing to go with me? I could go today, Sunday in the morning or in the late afternoon/evening (I have something in the middle of the day that will take up probably 3-4 hours), or pretty much anytime next week. I know it is an evil thing to do, but flashing his coworkers would be worse…

Recently a friend told me that what he liked about me was that he is confident if he ever crossed one of my boundaries or did something inappropriate that I would tell him… wouldn’t I?

In all honesty I had to tell him probably not. It would depend on what boundary he crossed and how I was feeling at that particular time–I would almost certainly just keep my mouth shut and take it. For me it largely depends on how close I am to the person. The more I love them and think highly of them, the less likely I am to tell them that they have hurt me. This causes issues. I have no trouble telling a stranger or someone I am not close to that their behavior isn’t ok–I take it considerably too far on a regular basis even, I wonder if I push so hard with them because I don’t stop a lot of things that I would like to and the wanting builds up.

Sometimes I later think about/write about my own frustration with myself for not stopping something and the person in question takes my navel gazing as a rebuke towards them. It isn’t. No one should “just know” where my comfort levels are, it is my job to enforce my boundaries and I don’t. And it is harder and harder the more I love the person.

I don’t really know how to feel more safe about telling people to stop. I have been enforcing Puppy’s boundaries for my behavior and that isn’t hard for me to do–because there is someone else who is “important” and I need to not do something bad because of his feelings. My feelings just seem to rank at the very bottom. I really wish I could work on this more, but I don’t know how. Either I completely shut someone down and I am a bitch and I probably hurt their feelings, or I just put up with almost anything. 🙁

Yeah, my boundaries still suck.